Cover art for podcast You Look Nice Today

You Look Nice Today

52 EpisodesProduced by You Look Nice TodayWebsite

A Journal of Emotional Hygiene, staffed by lonelysandwich, scottsimpson, and hotdogsladies.

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California King: "What is HØL?"

April 4th, 2020


Our work was done. We'd said all we needed to say. We apparated from this world, much like monks who retreat to a mountaintop hovel. Only for us, we apparated via Greyhound and hoveled in an abandoned Bauxite mine …

Episode 51: Vintage Vape

May 16th, 2015


Whether you like baseball, chicken dinners, multilevel marketing, or The Price is Right, we offer several varietals of bespoke juices you can enjoy …

Episode 50: Scat Academy (Part 1)

November 2nd, 2013


Welcome to the You Look Nice Today® Scat Immersion Program™.

No dogs, babies, or squares allowed.

In preparation for your first day on campus, please learn these key phrases, as they represent your final connection …

Episode 49: Make a Given Wish

January 3rd, 2013


As part of a pilot program, The You Look Nice Today Foundation (a Delaware corporation) has recently undertaken a groundbreaking new outreach initiative to provide comfort to those in theoretical need.

So, YES: we

Episode 48: Schrodinger's Conference Bag

December 2nd, 2012


Welcome to the global premiere of the International You Look Nice Today Conference & Expo™!

Get ready for an epic showcase of big-idea ideations and tactical tactics to be held in the picturesque Los Altos …

Episode 47: Adam Ruins Everything

November 2nd, 2012


Listen. It’s actually very simple.

When you buy in to the You Look Nice Today “Inverted Triangle Program™” you enter a world of theoretically unlimited income.

Recruit two friends, ask them to recruit two friends, …

Episode 46: Poolside

October 2nd, 2012


  • Free swim Thursdays 4:00 - 4:15.
  • Shower before entering pool. Also, shave before entering pool.
  • This is a “Body Shame …

Episode 45: Morning Glory

September 2nd, 2012


TO: Paul Polman, CEO
Unilever PLC
London, United Kingdom

Dear Mr. Polman,

I hope you can help me.

You are in charge of a massive, …

Episode 44: The Rules

August 2nd, 2012


Hello, my friend! Welcome to my humble automobile dealership!

Ah, yes. Very nice. I see you eyeing our all new 2013 Toyota Scimitar with optional Sports Package and Premium Ground Effects. This favored daughter of …

Episode 43: Gellies Local 416

July 2nd, 2012


Thieving Threesome Nabbed

(California) Three men were detained and arrested at a local Target today, charged with the attempted theft of over $400 in merchandise. The men refused to identify themselves, giving only …

Episode 42: Druthers, CA

June 2nd, 2012


Welcome to Druthers, CA! Here are some tips for making the most of your visit with us:

• Yes. Keep checking your mailbox. No, again. Faster. Now, pay it forward.
• DO not touch the princess anywhere that her swimsuit …

Episode 41: The Stenciled Approach

May 3rd, 2012


The Stenciled Approach | You Look Nice Today on Huffduffer

Summer’s right around the corner, guys. So, let’s get in gear—yes, your gear!

First, make sure you’ve got everything sorted, basketed, washed, dried, …

Episode 40: Lobster Farm

April 2nd, 2012


We don’t know anyone who loves sushi more than we do. That’s because when we meet someone who loves sushi, we stop talking to them forever. Because we want to be the biggest sushi lovers we know.

To honor that love, we …

Episode 39: Razzledazzle

March 7th, 2012


Unpeeling the gunt, extending the brand, and rendering a sidekick polyhedron that really scales.

It’s a start.

Episode 38: That's Babies

November 3rd, 2010


“Baby City”
Trad., to the tune of “Tabula Rasa” by Arvo Pärt

Babies are special
babies are tough
babies have smooth skin
NE-VER rough!

Have you …

Episode 37: The Magic Number

May 19th, 2010


We went, with some friends, into the woods. A few days later we left the woods. Our memory of the time we spent in the woods is a bit fuzzy; fortunately, someone thought to make an audio recording of it.

This episode …

Episode 36: Bubbles

February 9th, 2010


Bankruptcy Liquidation Auction
Beginning @ 9:00 AM-85 Herston Rd.
Long Beach, CA
Feb 8, 2010

Registration 7:30-10:00 A.M.

Auction With Reserve Will …

Episode 35: The Sake Period

December 4th, 2009


Subject: #1228743 “Mann”
Application Date: September 4, 1980

Subject has submitted a new application to the Coolness Review Board. Note that this is …

Episode 34: In Congrefs

October 9th, 2009


Hop in our decommissioned World War II tank that has been outfitted to look like the Liberty Bell. The You Look Nice Today Tour of Philadelphia …

Episode 33: Breakin' In

September 16th, 2009


While under the influence of y, we reveal that:

  1. Merlin once put x in an envelope.
  2. Scott hoped another guy’s x would draw attention away from his …

Episode 32: The Good Part

July 30th, 2009


You’re gonna love it—the guitar does this “Wheeee!” thing while the drums go all “Chukka chukka booda booda.” OK, here it comes. Shhhh!

No wait, that’s not it. Almost there, just after this last chorus. Seriously, I …

Episode 31: Lonely Polisher

May 22nd, 2009


Seattle LIVE!: April 23, 2009

We teamed up with our pals Jordan, Jesse, Go! and took the Monsters of Podcasting on the road. Our Pacific Northwest Megatour kicked off in Seattle on Thursday and finally ended in …

Episode 30: Angry Captain

May 6th, 2009



The chair behind the captain’s desk is empty. Two men sit, smoking, in folding chairs facing …

Episode 29: Vachina

March 26th, 2009


Making college affordable, restful, and culturally relevant; the cupping comforts of secondary scholarship; Adam becomes a costumed mascot and buys a …

Episode 28: OPN♥WDE

February 18th, 2009


Merlin: Boy Scout

Scott: Boy Scout

Adam: YMCA Indian Guide

Episode 27: Christmas Is Near

February 3rd, 2009


Listen as we conduct our exclusive pro gift-giving super-session TED Talk master class webinar. Over $600 in essential GiftWisdom™ is yours for FREE. …

Episode 26: Nickelpuss

December 10th, 2008


1930’s wandering troubadour Trinket Pills (? - 1939) scored a brief hit on the Wichita charts with his plaintive Ballad of Joey Nickelpuss:

Th’ …

Episode 25: Faire du camping

December 3rd, 2008


If “penultimate” meant “last,” this would be the penultimate episode of our VSOP series. Thanks again to John Hodgman, Jonathan Coulton, and the …

Episode 24: Faux Tog

November 24th, 2008


YLNT VSOP, Part II! The drugs* have kicked in, and we have reached cruising altitude. Stay tuned for the final, gripping conclusion to the VSOP series next week. Or so.

A partial list of works referenced in this …

Episode 23: Selfish Express

November 13th, 2008


It’s YLNT VSOP, Part I! We convened a special session in San Francisco, featuring guests John Hodgman and Jonathan Coulton. Aided by Hodgman’s …

Episode 22: Who Voted?

October 28th, 2008


Thousands* of you wrote to us asking for Election Day guidance. Sadly, we don’t have time to evaluate every candidate in every race. Instead, we commissioned the handy YLNT Voter’s Guide you’ll find below. We recommend …

Episode 21: Mr. Owl

October 16th, 2008



Nose harmony, quarters, who’s Capote now?, “He plays you better than you play you,” layers of latex, latchkey ontologies, start shooting your …

Episode 20: Transitions

October 9th, 2008


You’ve just hopped on the #17 Express and must quickly decide where to sit. In the back of the bus, four teenagers have staked their claim to a dozen …

Episode 19: Man School

September 30th, 2008


Now* accepting applications for the Class of 2016! Sample from our wide range of available courses, including Sociology 102: Shaving, Chemistry 206: …

Episode 18: Tang Tangs

September 16th, 2008


The parenting of negligence, things you didn’t know about gas stations, ancient aphorisms, tethered to a key, you go in and stay there until you have wisdom, They’ve Got It!, blue sky pie in the sky, Adam tries a little …

Episode 17: Where Is the Ham?

September 9th, 2008


Sandwich smiles into the mouthpiece, teenage telemarketing salad days, LonelyWear’s autumn line, the secret of our success (at Macy’s), ham symphony, Karl gets fired from the Geek Squad, acquaintance on final approach, …

Episode 16: The Tux Age

September 2nd, 2008


We’re back from summer break full of something and something. Expect weekly episodes until it’s time for fall break. Or early September break. Break!

Episode 15: Rampant on a Field

July 29th, 2008


Down and out in Улаанбаатар (sorry, Mongolia!), remembrance of fights past, rampant on a field of Wheat Chex, stickin’ with the quadrupeds, Adam’s …

Episode 14: Aunt Nancy

July 18th, 2008


Sit back, relax, mix yourself an Aunt Nancy but don’t cross the swords. We’re coloncasting over at ¿Esto debería estar en el …

Episode 13: Expressed as a Vest

July 8th, 2008


Unhealthy ligatures, a course of Prednisone, “I’m not following you!”, obscure chess moves, smoking for the cure, misused orifices, we pass as …

Episode 12: Live!: Baby on a Dog

July 2nd, 2008


Recorded live at the Dark Room Theater in San Francisco. Don’t miss lots of great photos from the event.

Desperate for funds, we explore opening a restaurant. Along the way, Sandwich cries in the bathroom, Merlin sings …

Episode 11: Guaranteed Morrie

June 23rd, 2008


Parental interference and other awkwardtunities, pie vs invisibilty, how Adam will die, Tuesdays with Tom Waits, Wisdom Experience guaranteed, another factory closes (bagpipe soundtrack).

Episode 10: Early Bird

June 12th, 2008


How do your socks feel about it?, a new kind of retail experience, Sandwich knows his Douglas Firs, Farewell to Tight (actually The Sun Also Tights), white shoes, Los Altos Rancho Vista Wi’z, dippin’ dots, our favorite …

Episode 9: Truck Spank

June 2nd, 2008


So sorry!, the oxygen lobby, doin’ the Skokie, Wallet-on-Chain is not a town in England, Sean Connery is Japanese, What’s your latte name?, pre-disposable feminine hygiene, @EffingBoring gets the carnation.

Episode 8: Sacks-Minnelli Disease

May 21st, 2008


Doing the fishstick, Sacks-Minnelli Disease, on the logical possibility of a cool fannypack, who’s your frelative?, “A Touch of Asperger’s”, social …

Episode 7: Nary a Dude

May 12th, 2008


Sheriff’s got a posse, Clarence the barber (and his balls), the benenemafits of a Fleet-based regimen, the grapefruit and bacon diet, Neti pots and other 100% legitimate remedies.

Episode 6: Jobbo

May 6th, 2008


Jamón y jabón, computerized career counseling, nicaragua@nicaragua.nicaragua, Sandwich does the Boogie Oogie, skating to college, Checkin’ Out!, …

Episode 5: Schadenfunny

April 29th, 2008


On Being Boring, crazy meat, Merlin knows how to build a team, Lonely Spacecamp, Clooney trumps Hill but both beat you, Encounters with Celebrity, …

Episode 4: Peak Hair

April 21st, 2008


"Oh my God: you GUYS!"; Scott sports vomit; Merlin raises a Predator; Scott has a hair theory about ladies who sing; Merlin calls for a National Day of Goatee Reconsideration; Adam moves into the nascent pubic wig …

Episode 3: Snare!

April 14th, 2008


Sign up for SNARE!, Ol’ Grandpa Mann’s Phlegmatic/Bucolic Humour Balancing Apparatus, the magical beards of junior high, receiving pleasure for …

Episode 2: Known for His Reach

April 9th, 2008


Merlin looks for cashews, Allan Holdsworth saves a kitten, Scott licks shiny faces, “arrested developments” in Adam’s pants, Elvis gives away …

Episode 1: Morning Powder

April 4th, 2008


Cosby takes the Queen to a dunk tank, office resources sparingly allocated, sponsors intimidated. Assorted loofah-related incidents.

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