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Two Girls One Mic: The Porncast

161 EpisodesProduced by Two Girls One Mic PorncastWebsite

Everyone's a critic, even with porn. Alice Vaughn and co-hosts, discuss the holes and the plot holes of your favorite porn. They're joined by comedians, porn stars, scientists, authors to review films, discuss the industry, and topics that are porn/sex adjacent. Support us:Patreon.com/twogirlsonemic

51:22

#26- The Cream Machine

Alice & Yvette are having a wholesome MFF, with non other than CollegeHumor's Ryan Creamer (@ryguyguyry). The girls clearly can't contain themselves when they hear he's willing to do the dishes...without being asked. Together they review SpongeKnob SquareNuts, because our childhoods haven't been ruined enough. 

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Check out Ryan's channel on Pornhub 

Unknown Speaker 0:02
This these two girls, one Mic, the show that talks about the holes and plot holes of your favorite porn.

Alice Vaughn 0:11
Welcome to the podcast. Dildos are being affected by the trade war. I'm your co host Alice Vaughn and with me I have my gorgeous co host beside babe event Dr. Mott event How you doing honey? I'm very sad about my impending higher cost of dildos thanks to the fact that most of them have to be made in China right? Is this the thing that's happening or the cost of rubber seal and all the other things that go into this magical piece of equipment? I'm holding up my Hitachi right now much to our guests consternation? Are you personally being affected in your quest to get off by the trade wars email us info to girls Win Mag comm so yeah, if you're in China and you work at a factory, are you personally being affected by the number of orders coming into your factory regarding dildos, electronic products and door anything that's stimulating and or vagina or crocs or both? Are all the generals email us info to girls for Mike calm. Yeah, email us. You know, we shouldn't turn the show into a show about economics because we're gonna get so many angry emails No. Like, no. They've instead we have a very interesting character from both the comedy and the porn universe and I'm so fucking thrilled. That is work exists. Alice, how should we he transcends porn and comedy. Would you say that? He does. So his name is Brian creamer. Real name? Yeah, best both poor name and real name. I have so many questions about that. But if you haven't heard of Ryan before, he creates wholesome porn for Pornhub such as I disinfect the casting couch. I do the dishes with happing ask. I deliver you pizza and to put my wiener in it.

And he's a writer for College Humor. So Ryan, welcome to our show.

Ryan Creamer 1:53
Thanks so much for having me guys. I'm psyched to be here and I will say I stockpiled all my dildos and butt plugs so I will sell them at discount rate so they avoid trade wars if anyone's interested. Or they used. Oh, great question. I'll pay

Yvette d'Entremont 2:05
extra for that. Okay, great. Yeah, yeah, they're all use if they come with panties even better yours specifically

Ryan Creamer 2:11
Perfect. Okay, I'll have my use but plugs dildos panties for sale in the link of this app, I think

Yvette d'Entremont 2:17
Yeah, we'll link to it. Why not show notes? Yeah, Lincoln. We're not going to use them. We're going to mount them on the wall as a trophy. I one day I feel like there's gonna be a market for alysus and my panties. Oh, sure. You know, there might be that out there like, but there seems to be less of a market of that for men's underwear. And I feel that is discriminatory.

Ryan Creamer 2:36
I think so too. I need to open the market up a little bit.

Alice Vaughn 2:39
Ryan, you are a pioneer. Hey, I appreciate that. Just so you know, if you haven't looked at you should go and watch his porn. His most important he is a very attractive gentleman. He is. Am I seeing this wrong? Or are you a ginger? I might. Yeah, I am. And he is like I said, very handsome fella. We don't say that about gingers. This is our first ginger. Guest Oh, In MFF oh good boy yeah we do like our MFF oh mama

Ryan Creamer 3:05
mama me it's very funny because tags on Pornhub and I think porn in general redhead is like the least populated category like there is none to be found people don't want to see it

Yvette d'Entremont 3:14
Really? I looked in England and I looked the gingers, so maybe that's just me. But then again, maybe it's because I feel like genders fall into one of two categories. You're really attractive or? Oh, yeah, no, you're right. It's but Ryan has a delightful smile and besides his video of washing the dishes without being asked, I have never come so hard in my life.

Alice Vaughn 3:39
Oh, no. I personally loved I tuck you in after you have come.

Good man with the fact that he you encourage people to continue looking for the right porn video. Do you understand how picky I am? I will go through like 12 different pages on Pornhub and still be disappointed it has. It's okay baby. Wait until you find the thing that's right for you because your orgasm is important.

Ryan Creamer 4:06
Well, here's my question in terms of searching for stuff, because what I do is I'll go through and I don't really have a plan of attack. It's just like whatever is presented to me, I'm like, these are my options that makes your dick. But do you guys look for like, generally like, here's the genre is their processors at the same where it's like I open it and then I'm scrolling.

Alice Vaughn 4:22
I open I scroll I normally go three pages in to see if there's anything that's interesting to me. Sure. My listeners are finding out about my porn habits. Fantastic. They're gonna get mine next. So then I start going into different types of terms that I'm interested in. I like high quality stuff. I like romantic stuff because I normally on the romantic ones, you could see people who are really into each other and I want both parties just going at it and wanting to rip each others clothes off. Right, I've just seen lackluster sex. I also have a handful of other search terms that you have to become a Patreon to find out

Ryan Creamer 5:01
Yeah, flee the market. I love it.

Alice Vaughn 5:03
And I joke about technical porn on the show. It's not my thing. I've never deliberately searched into houses like yeah, I believe you on that event. But no same thing search to the first three pages. Nothing interesting that I'm like, Alright, DPA. No, let's see what they've got. Sure, sure, sure. You have to go straight for the stuff that's gonna really rock it. Yeah, of course. I mean, I get it. And I'm married. You know, married people watch porn together. So sometimes it's like, whoever suggests the genre of porn first gets to conquer porn mountain. That's how that works on one is watching it together. So Ryan, how did you come up with this idea of wholesome porn? I love it. I am not sure I like set out to like, Okay, this is a thing I'm gonna do. I was on Pornhub I was watching porn. And after I am shocked Yeah, we can't have this man on our show.

Ryan Creamer 5:52
Yeah, sorry. I gotta I'm gonna log off real quick. Goodbye. No, but at the bottom there's like a work with a stem. There's like a model program from Pornhub and I was like, it's very funny for me specifically to join this program. This is not the target demo, I imagine, they're not looking for the ginger man with his clothes on all the time. And that's the kind of videos that I thought would be funny to make. So I did that first one, the I took you in after you come. And then the second one was, I encourage you to help find the video that you want. And those were the first two that I did. And that was essentially the tracks at there. And I was like, Okay, that was fun. Like, those are the ideas that I had. But those two kind of got big and like got shared around a bunch. So I was like, Oh, this is a format I can keep doing

Alice Vaughn 6:35
and just kept going from Yeah. And you disinfected the casting couch. I did was not the actual casting couch was it?

Ryan Creamer 6:42
It's not but it looks like it doesn't it is

Alice Vaughn 6:45
pretty much any black vinyl? Yeah. loveseat style couch. We'll do it right. I'm sure people have had sex on that couch. That's close enough.

Ryan Creamer 6:54
Yeah, that was a couch at work. And yeah, it's like,

Alice Vaughn 6:56
Oh, dang. Yeah. I watch College Humor. I'm subscribed. Click the subscribe button if I'm a good College Humor watcher. I'm just saying y'all are attractive folks over there that's visualizing that is not a bad visual show. Oh, people are fucking at work. Oh, that's never happened.

Ryan Creamer 7:15
Yeah, we get the conference room we rented out and we all have sex with each other and then we go home we don't really do anything other than that

Alice Vaughn 7:21
the videos are just kind of while you're banging we should do a video

Ryan Creamer 7:24
about this. Yeah, it helps stimulate the brainstorming it's just a fuck each other.

Alice Vaughn 7:30
I think it's simulating something else but you know brain to your dick is that big. Maybe it'll get all the way up there. I still I'm hung up so much on your name. Because I mean, after this episode, I feel like women are going to or maybe just may be calling saying, I don't know. I feel like your tagline is going to end up being on porn like, and you've been creamed? Yeah, you want some of the creamsicle and then you just give an actual creamsicle I don't know. I feel like there could be ice cream man porn now. Oh, yes. There's so much porn you can cover Do you haven't done plumbers? You haven't cleared a woman's pipes out yet and actually cleared her pipes out? Yes,

Ryan Creamer 8:06
yes, it's a job that needs to be done. I mean, you can't just and

Yvette d'Entremont 8:08
we were talking about this before we started recording but there was one with IKEA. Oh yeah, I mentioned go to IKEA and Toad fight with your girlfriend, people needed and my way of doing that was instead when your girlfriend wants to go to IKEA just hand her your credit card and say I trust you and get yourself some throw pillows that I know you love so much. I think that is wholesome porn that women are going to be like he's in

Ryan Creamer 8:35
and then ideally I get kind of this brand. IKEA sponsors me gives me a bunch of their furniture, you know,

Alice Vaughn 8:41
maybe they'll just give you throw pillows. I mean, not that that's what I have. I'm like where am I throw pillows from IKEA. I put together an Ikea kitchen cabinet while you watch Grey's Anatomy.

Ryan Creamer 8:53
See the problem with that is that I'd actually have to be able to do it and I don't think I can.

Yvette d'Entremont 8:57
I love putting together IKEA furniture. It's one of my, like, my husband is very, very good at constructing real things that need construction. So when there's IKEA shit, I'm like, leave me alone. I could actually do this. Yeah,

Ryan Creamer 9:08
it's like adult Legos. I'm like, I can do this same

Alice Vaughn 9:11
here. When we were getting furniture putting it together. I was the one who was like, oh, there's a hole that needs spackling me do this. Alice does like putting things in holes. Oh shit. We're here for the low hanging fruit guys. I'll get hacky with my humor if I have to. I'm not above that. Look, our tagline is we're discussing the holes and plot holes and port. We'll get hacky with my humor. Occasionally, you're allowed to Ryan anything that you can dangle in front of our listeners in front of the horizon of what you're going to be putting out next.

Ryan Creamer 9:41
So yeah, I was saying I try to do these videos like once a week or so I don't think of it as something that's like okay, we need to constantly be making these but so once a week I try to do it. The one that I just recorded is me with my sweater, my tie and my little button up which I have worn in all of them and I'm in the shower fully clothed and as you Haven't nailed which

Alice Vaughn 10:00
is exactly how everyone showers.

Ryan Creamer 10:02
Yes, exactly normal kind people in the shower with all their clothes on. And yeah, it's me just in the shower and no one comes in there disturbs my shower and fucks me I just get clean and it's really nice.

Yvette d'Entremont 10:13
That sounds so sweet. I think we need more of that and pornography. Obviously sometimes

Ryan Creamer 10:18
you just need to shower because you have to go to a thing later

Alice Vaughn 10:20
with your clothes on things. Exactly. Like I would say you live in LA and it's warm. And that's why but you don't live in LA. No, no, we have him this time on the east coast. So it's true. Yeah, I feel like our guests are either in Los Angeles or New York like there's no other location for funny or for pornographic people. Those are the only two if you're a porn star in Minnesota. We want to hear from you info at two girls when Mike calm I specifically want the Kansas porn stars. There's some shit going on there. I know and I want to get to the bottom of it.

Ryan Creamer 10:51
So are most people that you've had on that are in the industry in LA. I imagined that So yeah,

Alice Vaughn 10:56
I used to live in Burbank and that is the porno Valley is it really we would go out tomorrow. Breakfast, generally in North Hollywood and we would play this game of fitness model or porn star, because, you know, they would all be wearing leggings and sports bras and it's like, all right, you could, it would be hard to tell but generally we would go with how big are the fake boobs? So not only do they have fake boobs, it's how big it was. If you're a fitness person, you need to have them not hit your face. Sure. I do like the resurgence of real boobs, though in porn nowadays. arsenal fan just say yeah, just say Alice and I are our steering members of the itty bitty titty committee. Love it. I've always been a fan of the small ones. I like the big ones. Look, I just like boobs. Look, I am enjoying the ass era. But I think the boobs are feeling left out right now.

Ryan Creamer 11:44
Do you think we're in the ass era currently?

Alice Vaughn 11:45
I think the last era might be on I don't think it's on its way out. But I think it peaked. Yes. Possible. I'm gonna hold that for it because fan

supporter you are about 70% ass That's really not wrong. I say this is a compliment you have no you haven't asked that white girls would kill for I mean, look, I'm nowhere near me. I'm alcova status were like, perfectly around like that next to the moon, you can't tell the difference. Sure. I mean, decent. I would say I decent

Ryan Creamer 12:20
70% as seems like a pretty good ratio. That's like the amount of water that's on the planet.

Alice Vaughn 12:25
Alice has asked is a monument to ask us. It's a good ass. I know you can see below me but I actually don't really have legs. It's mostly Yes. You

Ryan Creamer 12:33
just walk around on your ass. Let's just

Alice Vaughn 12:34
ask scoots really it's just like a little. It's a sachet of Yeah,

Ryan Creamer 12:40
but but but but and then it gets the butts stronger because you're you know, using it to move I think that's great.

Alice Vaughn 12:45
Pants shopping has always been hard though. I got

Ryan Creamer 12:47
to imagine you know,

Alice Vaughn 12:49
so we watched a porn this week, not together. Although I kind of wish we did. This was fairly chaste pour and there was not to blow the plot. That's all that happened. We always do. There was a

Ryan Creamer 13:01
blow job. Well, I do think it was so much a limitation of the costuming.

Alice Vaughn 13:08
Yeah, we watched sponge knob square nuts this week once another delightful feature from our friends at wait was this wood rocket or just it was this was wood rock at this time. So Leroy, thank you for traumatizing us. Mission accomplished. Was it traumatizing? Or was it an addition to our childhood? Or was it ruining it? Oh, because I watched SpongeBob in college, just Anthony Rosano. His voice in this just oh my god, where do we start? That when he was coming was too much. I'm sorry.

Ryan Creamer 13:39
Oh, yeah, the thing is, and you got to give him credit for it. He really commits to the character. Yeah, but the issue is in other wood rocket things that I've seen, it's like, okay, we're gonna do the plot stuff. And then we're just gonna have sex like people do. And then this is going to be this character having sex?

Alice Vaughn 13:55
Yeah, I mean, in The Simpsons, they managed to keep McBain and character. Oh, that's fun. And this is why I say Evan stone was one of the best actors important because he managed to keep mcbay he kept keep talking and the mcbane will take Mick Baines penis like one, Nancy. Why do I hide the plutonium? I will hide the plutonium in your pants. I'm sorry, we could watch that one over again, just because it was funny. But we're gonna start out this form from the beginning. Like Actually, I feel like before we even get into the plot, we need to sell something once and for all. Is SpongeBob a dish sponge or a sea sponge? Oh, good question. Hmm, let's see, do dish sponges come from the sea sometimes.

Ryan Creamer 14:33
So I do know that the creator because I'm a big SpongeBob head loves SpongeBob and when he was creating it, he was like a marine biologist. So he knows all these like creatures really well. And he's like, okay, so sponges don't actually look like dish sponges in the sea, but like his kids show so I'm gonna make it what they you know, is familiar to them, which is additional Yeah,

Alice Vaughn 14:53
Stephen Hillenburg one that he said when he was originally trying to draw SpongeBob it originally looked like that. poorest snowman. So he decided to use the universally understood symbol of a sponge a dish sponge. So we technically both and let me explain why because I did so much research into this. This literally took up 60 minutes my life. This is what Alice does with her free time she tries to figure out a pornographic sponges or sea sponges or if they were made in the lab, she's doing this for you. Yeah, for you people putting in hours. You're welcome. And thank you for listening. So let me present the arguments for Team dish sponge. So please do team dish sponge. There is an episode where SpongeBob has a quote, abrasive side. It's green. Oh, interesting.

When SpongeBob and Patrick also are on drier land you guys have probably I mean, Ryan, you've seen that he's used as a normal sponge. Yeah. Yeah, there's also his parents had kind of look like loofahs but now to present the counter arguments. loopers are not just natural. They are land sponges. They come from a pod Are they land sponges? Yeah, they are sponges that come out of a pod. They don't live in a pineapple under the sea. They come from a tree and a pod. Hmm, I saw that. That's true. We have the Googles. We can do this that I've seen this recently. Please do because I know sea sponges grow in different shapes, colors and texture, so it's not too far off to say that they could be round in different colors. Interesting. I mean, there could be different things that are labeled as loofahs out in the universe sure that I'd seen a video on this recently. Peeling a homegrown loofahs Oh, here we go. How to harvest a loofah sponge

Ryan Creamer 16:34
Have you seen like the male loofahs that they had to brand is like fucking with this super aggro male language of like this is like manscaping like deck scrub?

Alice Vaughn 16:44
No, this isn't a loofa It's a lather builder is the exactly this is Christ are you is your I know that some men don't like the term toxic masculinity and this might make your balls tuck right back up into you, but bear with me. It'll be okay. are you so scared of something like a loofa that you have to call it a lather builder to be okay with getting your balls cleaned for fucksakes

Unknown Speaker 17:09
it's

Alice Vaughn 17:10
it's just marketers who are trying to appeal to a segment of the population and have no idea how the fuck they're doing it. Hundred percent found a video of the Bufo sponges being harvested and I trying to figure out if they come from a tree or not. But let's see. So for Team c sponge while you're looking for that information, yes. SpongeBob can literally in some instances, you see him inhaling his food, so filter feeding. You also in some episodes seem like mini SpongeBob is popping around SpongeBob. So you see reproduction via budding. Yeah. And also regeneration. Like he has an episode where they like he has a bucket of popcorn and he's eating his own hands. So that's what a sea sponge would do. Well, that's something and there's also he does photosynthesis for nourishment in an early episode. But you know what it actually comes to be and the reason it's technically both from 1999 to 2004. That's when Stephen Hillenburg worked on the show the original creator, he left after 2004. The show obviously continued, but then the new director to creative liberties that portray SpongeBob as more of a dish sponge, so the lower episodes could technically be considered not to be canon. This is very interesting. So I found the information about lupus. The loofa is a genus of tropical and subtropical vines in the cucumber family, ah, they grow seeds and everyday non technical users loofa also spelled lufa. So it's normally spelled l u FFA as opposed to the commercial product le fH, it usually refers to the fruit of two species. The fruit of these species are cultivated and eaten as a vegetable the fruit must be harvested at a young stage of development to be edible. Either way, the fully developed fruit is the source of the loop. First scrubbing sponge. So there we go. So since we that's more information I ever needed to know about loofahs Now we know everything we need to know about what you use to scrub you're happy places or non Happy Places. I don't know where your loot those are being shoved. However, if his parents are loofahs he is at least part loofa. Oh, interesting, since we know for a fact that he's a loofa. This means he was born on the ground. He's part cucumber. So which means he's a good dildo. That's all I'm saying. I wouldn't know. I just read about it online. Exactly. So let's get into the porn. Yes, absolutely. Before we get into actual sex, I love their take on the SpongeBob song. Oh, it's great. Yeah, it was fantastic. Are you legal age adults ready to watch some porn? Oh, yeah. Who lives in a vibrator under the sea sponge. No square know he's so horny and nerdy and try to have me spawns.

Now Weird yellow sex is something you lost spawns nah swear and then you must be a perv like sponge knob square nuts

yeah

Ryan Creamer 20:11
so coming out of the gate hot

Alice Vaughn 20:12
yes so this is our intro to the episode I give them credit for creativity and for using a fairly similar rhyming scheme and well anytime would rock it does one of these things I always wonder how the fuck do they not get sued or do they just contact the creators and say already porn yeah like they use so much of the already porn law yeah I love that there's law about parody for

Ryan Creamer 20:35
the intro also gives you like a you get a taste of what you're in for with the whole costuming which when in your episode talking to Lee last time it sounds like very intentionally is like how can we make this look just like I do understand the business or just like the appeal of like, Yeah, we got to make this look like

Yvette d'Entremont 20:54
Yeah, yeah, mission accomplished. I described him as looking like have you seen those old movies movies where they have the moon and it's supposed to look like cheese. Yeah, that's what SpongeBob looks like in this except his eyes were kind of dark where they didn't get all the yellow into the cracks of it. He looked kind of like uncle fester cross with the old moon made of cheese. Yes. Oh, that's actually a perfect description. And it's like, if that isn't getting the picture across just google a picture you're gonna be like, oh man, that's a horrifyingly accurate description.

Ryan Creamer 21:24
It really is. The circles that I guess are just normally holes on a sponge look very like lesion II and like, infected.

Alice Vaughn 21:32
Yeah, yeah, he's got himself some leprosy or are cozies lesions or something? I'm just saying maybe they didn't get testing done on this one. No. I have to say though, again, Anthony Rosano really committed to the voice he did. We start with SpongeBob he's greeting everything like he would in the show. Very SpongeBob esque. You know? What a beautiful morning. Good morning Bikini Bottom. Actually, Can anyone hear to the SpongeBob voice? Let's see. I'll give it a go. Now. No, I don't think I can I think it's good morning. No, I can do it Patrick but everyone could do it so SpongeBob but no it's not in my work at

Ryan Creamer 22:10
it. Okay, so the whole thing I couldn't even get close I

Alice Vaughn 22:12
can do the laugh probably but that's creepy as shit. That hold it but you know Good morning Bikini Bottom Good morning pillow Good morning bed Good morning fish painting Good morning nightstand Good morning pants and good morning good looking. Love it and then SpongeBob has a little bit of a crisis. He does it seems he's very sad. He is all all alone.

Ryan Creamer 22:35
Yeah, it goes from very happy to very bleak very quickly.

Alice Vaughn 22:38
His life is just in shambles, because he's all alone for a day and he might be all alone. Forever. is no one to play with. No Mr. Krabs don't Patrick No. Squidward No, Gary. And here's where I thought we were gonna get a masturbation scene because he's Yeah, so I guess I'll just have to play with myself. And that would have been interesting because when you see the actual arms in there So there's no way he could even clap I don't think he could have reached. I was hoping for a fleshlight that he would just like thrust into or something fucking a fish I'm waiting for that. There could have been a glory hole with the big mouth bass Matt Liebe we need you on this. We had a guest on who fucked a big mouth bass. The Singing fish. We all have weird masturbation stories. Ryan, what's yours? Oh, wow,

Ryan Creamer 23:24
well, I've actually fucked two basses at the same time.

Alice Vaughn 23:28
Well wait with which

Ryan Creamer 23:30
parts which parts of the bass I stitch them together like human centipede style? Yes.

Alice Vaughn 23:36
You had that much stick to throw in. Oh yeah, exactly. Okay, okay, we were picking up What?

Ryan Creamer 23:42
Wait So wait, what was this person's experience I need to hear about what fucking officiously

Alice Vaughn 23:46
you need to listen to our episode The Big Lebowski. Okay, I can't do it any justice. I'm sorry. I think it was just it was there to be fucked and he was was he a teenage boy. Young adolescent look when you're like in your 10, elevens, like, you're gonna fuck anything. I have stuck stuff in places that should not have been stopped. I'm saying, I'm putting it out there, there are things you do when you're younger and you're first like your body is getting those hormones and things are feeling things and you're like, Look, I'm not proud of these things. And I'm not admitting to any of them. He admitted to them, which makes it puppy.

Ryan Creamer 24:23
He was 1011 when he did it.

Yvette d'Entremont 24:25
I don't know exactly how many but you don't remember Sure. old enough to get an erection and young enough not to know better.

Ryan Creamer 24:31
It's very funny because that's such an item that it's like your parents or whoever's in your home is gonna be like, Where's the fish I bought?

That's an item that will be accounted for. I feel

Yvette d'Entremont 24:41
like that's one of those items that your father will be like, because the mom doesn't buy that the dad does is one of those items that you're not gonna be like, where'd that fish go? And mom's gonna be like, oh, we'll find it someday, honey.

Ryan Creamer 24:53
Yeah, that's some day. 40 days later, old rotten fish is found.

Alice Vaughn 24:58
Come smell emitting Oh, just a reminder clean out your flashlights? Yes. Oh yeah, this is a podcast that tells people clean your sex toys. We've talked about the fact that we're going to write our first book and it's going to be called wash your junk. Sure. Instead we're going to do it as a kit. It's going to look like a book it's going to have Tommy pistol on the cover. It's going to be the Tommy pistol approved wash your junk kit and it's just going to be wet wipes and grooming materials. Tommy have quote, you know, some sort of a quote from saying, gentlemen, this is why the ladies like my junk.

Ryan Creamer 25:30
So what wipes is the move right? Like that's just the way to do it.

Alice Vaughn 25:34
If you are in a pinch and you have not had time to shower directly before trying to stick your penis into your partner's mouth. Oh, wet towel, anything something to get the smell of the day off of that area because then ladies come on. We're not going to leave you out to wash your jug. If you want him to go down. Have it smell like roses. Well not actually roses. Don't stuff roses in there. I've tried to Do my tastes weird was it thorny? Or was it just was it the leaves leaves? Yeah,

Ryan Creamer 26:05
the thorns were fine the leaves is what you don't want

Alice Vaughn 26:07
masochism is cool but fuck bro man no no none of that. Yeah this is why we call it wash your junk not wash your dick

Ryan Creamer 26:15
so wet wipes for toys as well right

Alice Vaughn 26:16
no for toys you need to sterilize they have special sprays. Depending on the composition of toy, you don't want to damage it if you want to keep it for a long time metal silicone rubber there are different whatever your toy is please look up the proper cleaning instructions for it because we would like you to not get the types of all the different types of infections you can get in your various types of junk please be responsible with your parts. We want you to have fun with them. Ladies, we know you love your Hitachi but it also loves a bath or a clean Yeah, it needs some sanitation

Ryan Creamer 26:48
do some people puts them in the dishwasher or is that something that no one does. I have

Yvette d'Entremont 26:52
heard that with the silicone toys. I also suggest cleaning your dishwasher before doing this.

Ryan Creamer 26:58
Yeah, that certain point is just like okay, now cleaning everything.

Alice Vaughn 27:02
There are cleansers that are specifically made for it. I mean, you can never go wrong with like the silicone ones are pretty damn good at not falling apart. I mean, I've cleaned mine with Lysol before. If you're hearing that and telling me that I'm a horrible person or that I'm going to destroy my vagina, please email me. But I'll clean it with Lysol and then of course wash it off and clean it more gentle cleanser, but you know, you can't go wrong with killing all the micro bits on something that's pretty indestructible. Sure, I'm sure we're gonna have a whole episode on just cleaning your toys for Attica. Yeah, yeah. Proper toy cleaning etiquette, especially if you're someone who's going to use that toy if you are a multi partnered person. What is the etiquette for toy cleaning? Other than just putting a condom on it? We're going to get an expert on so let's get back to the porn. Yeah, this is our show tangents

Ryan Creamer 27:47
just bouncing off that do you think SpongeBob is like a clean? Do you think his dick is clean? Like canonically?

Alice Vaughn 27:52
No, because sponges are filter creatures and so they have all sorts of things flowing through them. However, I think he's at stasis with the ocean at this point. Sure. So he's probably about as sturdy as his surroundings. I also have personal problems because sponges are able to reproduce asexually through budding as I mentioned earlier on, so fun sciency fact because I know some of you guys came for the science on the show, of course, why wouldn't you come to a port and podcast for the science, but that's where a small piece of a sponge is broken off and we'll still be able to survive and grow into another sponge. sponges are also able to repair damage to their bodies that way, so makes it ideal to survive in water, but if he's a loofa, he needs to reproduce via being planted. Oh shit, so he is trying to plant his seed and Sandy appropriately. Also, most sponges are both male and female. So long story short, sometimes male sponges will release sperm into the water that would travel and enter a feet quote, female sponge, but again, they could be either I mean, SpongeBob could have Technically reproduced with himself he didn't need a slutty squirrel. I see nothing wrong with fucking a sled a squirrel if you're a sled, a sponge and everyone can sense like, you know, I don't know what the rules are for cross species insemination in the animal outside of the human kingdom. I just I want them to find love however it works for those kids. Totally. They seem to be happy I want that I want to let them beat up or at least they seem to be SpongeBob seem to be happy with the outcome so to speak. Sure, so we beat Sandy and you want me to do what SpongeBob give me a sponge baby Sandy have a baby with you. And she weren't eating babies runs in our family. Okay, I was looking into that. Do squirrels IE babies cuz some critters like that do eat babies. This is another full tangent that I'm pretty sure I spent a couple hours on because we like continuity are poor and we want this to be scientifically accurate should be yes. So it's not technically accurate. I mean, according to research from University of Alberta biologists, in years where food is abundant for squirrels, males will kill off the young of rival males. So basically what they call sexually selected infanticide. Damn. Holy shit. I didn't know if it was a thing that was across the genus family either way of rodentia but I had hamsters growing up and we had one that was stillborn. And that one was a snack for the mother. Oh, yeah. I learned about the circle of life at the age of seven when I brought a pregnant hamster home from the pet store. Suddenly, where we had one hamster I had six, five and a snack.

Yeah, so definitely, hamsters, birds, fish, insects, bugs, pigs, snakes, even some primates, they will eat their next generation. And it sounds counterproductive considering the whole point of no reproduction is having your genes passed on and continuing that next gen But it's sometimes a successful strategy because like hamsters, we've kind of determined it's a form of population control. So for example, an average hamster will have eight to nine pups, a two on average. And apparently scientists have even tried, hey, what if we add more to the litter, she'll eat them. She'll eat for that on average. So what they think is happening is by removing a few pups, so what you're saying is that the Octomom is a fucking hero for not eating some of those cats.

Ryan Creamer 31:30
Yes, we can all agree on that.

Alice Vaughn 31:31
We were all shocked. She didn't eat them. Let's be honest. Yes. Like at least two of them to those kids have to be fucking annoying. Like, I don't know which ones but like, that's got to be a thing. No one's follow it up. Are they still there? We don't know. So especially with her not that long ago. She's doing pretty well. Good for her. That's the entire Octomom tangent going back to hamsters for a hot second. So it suggests that basically eating the young might give enough nourishment so she could provide for the survivors so yay, cannibalism, but also sure number situations, animals will eat their young to like, kind of beat the predator to it's like, oh, if you're gonna eat my own, I might as well do it. I might protect other members of their pack while they get away. Yes. Or if they want to reproduce, they're like, Well, you know, all these eggs have hatched but like these few having so and I want to, you know, get raunchy, so I'm gonna eat these like eggs that are my babies and just so I could get party and have fun again. So what we're saying is cannibalism is cool. If you're a hamster, please don't do it. If you're a human or a snake or bird or insect. Basically, most critters will like it because every so often like you'll see a meme on Facebook. It's like, we're the only creatures that do all these bad things to each other. I'm like, Oh, really, because biology says otherwise. Biology says that the animal kingdom is awful to each other.

Ryan Creamer 32:49
Yeah, this is probably why Sandy went to the ocean. She's like, I gotta get the fuck out of like, this environment where I'm gonna get eaten.

Alice Vaughn 32:56
You know what, maybe there was a vengeful squirrel. That was sad that she She was not eaten as a runt pup knows. And she was like I just need to make myself a little spacesuit and go float down to Bikini Bottom Good for her. She was wearing a bikini bottom which I appreciated So Ryan Yes Do you want to hear some fun scroll facts do I ever that's why I came on this let's go Did you know that female squirrels could be considered highly promiscuous? Wait

Unknown Speaker 33:21
What does it mean could be considered so

Alice Vaughn 33:23
what's the difference between could be considered and are highly yeah

Ryan Creamer 33:26
who was like I don't want to go full out but I will say we couldn't make the argument

Alice Vaughn 33:32
are they having like a one night stand once in a while like are their numbers just a little above average? like is this conservative Christians consider them slutty or just like an average person cuz I need to know I need fat. slut shaming squirrels. No, I am not encouraging squirrels. I want more more genetic diversity amongst them so fuck away squirrels. Two girls one mic the podcast that brings you fun Animal Facts you really didn't want to hear. We should get Dr. Karen Bogner on here she does wild sex this series that talks about sex in the animal kingdom. I learned from her that the barnacle compared to body size has the largest penis in the animal kingdom. For those Well, you're talking about Danny DeVito, right? It's almost as big as dread. Oh, our performer that we're having on next week love it. So what I mean by that is a apparently well rarely breed with the same male squirrel again, okay, on top of that, the mother will have a litter of babies. But here's the thing that I found really interesting. The babies when she has a litter will have a number of different fathers. So the average litter size could be three to five but there could be two or more fathers kids and that's so freakin crazy because it is crazy like the genes are gonna be different. That technically could happen in humans with twins depending on the time differential between the sexing and I read this forever ago it's possible to eggs released different sperm and that these things are rare but they I want to know if this has happened but I mean it's definitely it is improbable, but it is plausible

Ryan Creamer 35:05
alright My favorite part about all this is the guy with the clipboard running around watching squirrels fucking being like okay that was a different guy but at the same girl out in the woods like a maniac

Alice Vaughn 35:15
someone's running squirrel DNA and being like you are not the father. What Fuck this shit. I knew it you bet like this is happening with squirrels. There's more a somewhere out there for squirrels he might be comparing him by a testicle size because male squirrels do have enormous testicles really is true. Yeah,

Ryan Creamer 35:33
that seems very easily Google a bowl and I could do it right now probably check out some squirrel, testes real quick

Alice Vaughn 35:38
squirrel nuts, a male cape ground squirrels, their scrotum could be about 20% of its body life. Fun fact. Holy shit. Here's my question. Because we have a female squirrel on this. How does the female squirrel vagina stack up compared to all she has to take from the male squirrel? like is this like a duck that's gonna be fucked to death? Or is this An animal that's going to be comfortable. Great question. I've never thought about the comfort and safety of a female squirrel being fucked. You know what you brought up the balls. I had to bring up the shaft

Ryan Creamer 36:10
and the rest of the situation find these pictures of these scroll testes look like Photoshop. Like this is crazy. They're big as hell.

Yvette d'Entremont 36:19
You know what else has giant balls that I've seen live and in person and I was not I don't know if horrified is the word but kind of like I almost wanted to applaud kangaroos really. They are gigantic. They hang in such a way that you're like, how do they not? It seems like such a little thread and then these giant balls and you're like, how have you not been in an industrial accident like that was had to go to Australia for a few work trips and every time I'm like, I need to go see kangaroos. Got to see the notes. Gotta go see the nads again. So speaking of dads, we have a porn. Oh, yes. We do our tangent. So let's see. So Sandy's first concern is how are we going to do this? I can't breathe underwater.

Ryan Creamer 36:57
Yeah, but luckily SpongeBob comes back saying I'm a sponge and I'm full of air. So as long as you keep sucking on me you will be able to breathe.

Alice Vaughn 37:05
Oh, science. I've had dumber pickup lines work on me before so you know SpongeBob you know, in my younger days, it might have worked.

Ryan Creamer 37:16
This is a life support system if you suck my dick.

Alice Vaughn 37:20
his dick will keep you going when an airplane is going down. So I'm going down.

Ryan Creamer 37:26
Yeah, there it is. Yeah, there we go. Now then she starts but has her helmet on. She tries to start sucking his dick

Yvette d'Entremont 37:33
which is weird because while they were talking her helmet was up like could be right. Could you not have stuck a microphone? I want to know this genuinely like did they try to stick a little microphone up there? And it was echoey. Like, yes, they put the helmet down and she was like, I can't get this dick and through the helmet really Sandy were shocks shocks that object could not pet it and so she takes the helmet

Ryan Creamer 37:57
off. I do think everyone can relate to that though. We've all had tried to have sex with a helmet on and then realize it's not as practical as we thought it would have had that

Alice Vaughn 38:05
we've actually had this discussion multiple times about having sex with

Unknown Speaker 38:09
helmets odd Really?

Yvette d'Entremont 38:10
Because how do you do POV sex without someone wearing a helmet with a camera? Oh right right did cam addict cam that's the thing people do.

Ryan Creamer 38:19
Sure. Now is that just like a strap with a GoPro or is it like a true like fucking

Alice Vaughn 38:24
you know what I haven't looked into it but I'm sure someone has to have a helmet for some of the straps you have a helmet with a GoPro you use for sex please email us at info to girls at Mike calm house. I work it out. We want to know and if you have just a helmet for a sec, still email us no cameras.

It's if whatever you're doing involves you need a helmet. I need to try this. I am missing something from my toy collection. Look, I have knee pads. I'm just saying I was a volleyball player to Alice. We don't need to bring that in. So anyways, so the progress The dialogue is going on you Sandy you like that sponge knob? I do not says spongy now. It's just

Ryan Creamer 39:08
which that's also a line that everyone should say during sex is your heart now you are no longer spongy.

Yvette d'Entremont 39:13
I'm gonna use it on my husband and see how it works out. Maybe your dick is no longer mine mushy. Funny. Yeah, it's I so often describe Dix as sponging

Ryan Creamer 39:24
Yeah. So I think in porn in general, yeah. People should comment on flash addicts more and be like lookout softer you used to be.

Alice Vaughn 39:32
It's just like a loofa right now. It's just like a loofah you fell apart in my hands like sand before I need a pumice stone baby. I need a softened pumice stone. I need marble. I need marble. There we go marble or graded. Oh, and then while he's being blown, we flashed to his face multiple times. Creepy. Come on. It's with the like we said with the moon and the uncle fester it's just yellow uncle fester face That's essentially what you have. Yeah, you know what the dark eyes that look like he hasn't seen the sun in 27,000 years. Like there's just, there's something very weird about the whole thing and he I mean, to be fair, it means that the actress playing Sandy is giving him a great fucking blowjob and he can sit there and concentrate on his pleasure through that goddamn costume. Totally like that had to be hot and uncomfortable. Let's talk about this costume for a second and how this penis is sticking out of the cost. Yes, it's crazy. I am curious how big his dick I was I was gonna say that we missing part of it because it's it's still a sizable I'm not saying it's the same deck that we saw from the POV point of view in The Simpsons porn that we reviewed the other week and that was pretty damn big. Same dick it's the costume. Oh

Ryan Creamer 40:45
yeah, the costumes definitely cutting off like some significant dick is like a good chunk of space with between his like base of dick and like your Square Pants.

Alice Vaughn 40:55
We didn't hit payload. Yeah. And I mean, it was only a blowjob for the test. minutes that we had. So it's lackluster, I would say at best because you can do everything you want. No, they change positions from what she's blowing him she Oh, and let's talk about this. And the tail. Yeah. She says, Do you want to see my tail? I sure do. So that's the closest I can get to them. I'm sure I can get it a little higher and a little more nasal.

Is that it was close. Wait, I'm gonna send you a line and I need you to read it. It's gonna come in the chat. Hold on.

Ryan Creamer 41:31
Was the tail part of the underwear or was it we're

Alice Vaughn 41:34
going to have a beautiful sponge baby. I don't know how close that is. It is Yep, there are no because I can never tell my own voice. But I believe and I'm not gonna say how I know this kind of information. I believe the tail was a butt plug. No, it wasn't. It wasn't You don't think so? No, I know. So okay, I want it to be a butt plug. That's why I was disappointed. Okay, I'm very sad. Now Yeah, if you watch the behind the scenes Damn it, they had an opportunity there. Exactly. They could showcase some really good toys with her but there's a good button to it was but what they did was they took just a regular tail and they clipped it to the back of the bug portion of her bikini of her song. And that's all it was. You can see it in the behind the scenes on what rocket comm they do a behind the scenes of this specific porn. And I watched it and I was so disappointed when I did not see an angel plug that was a squirrel tail. I'm just saying. Ladies, if your partner watches anime porn, there's a good chance he is seeing these characters that they lovingly refer to as the kitty girls. surprise him with a butt plug with the tail coming out of it. He will not be sad, that's all

Ryan Creamer 42:51
what have you is really sad. Sad is a very funny reaction to it just like Oh, you got me. Oh wait,

Alice Vaughn 42:57
what if like his cat just died. Ladies surprise him.

Yvette d'Entremont 43:02
It's all be your new kid. He doesn't miss you. Yeah, that's good. Well, maybe consider the timing

Ryan Creamer 43:10
Sure. Don't do it. I'd say go for it but not right when your beloved ones cat has just died.

Alice Vaughn 43:16
I feel it's a caveat that comes up every you know, five to 20 years though, depending on how many cats you have like we have to take into apart the cat calculus. This is getting very weird now.

Ryan Creamer 43:26
Now what else happened in the behind the scenes stuff? Because I did not see that

Alice Vaughn 43:29
there wasn't too much. You saw how the costume was being put on. You saw Anthony being painted. He saw the female her tail being attached and asked about you know, how do you feel about fucking SpongeBob? Which, what does she say? I mean, it's definitely an experience. She never thought her career would bring her to this point. But I mean, I've never thought my career would bring me to reviewing pornography. Yeah, I was a respected science communicator. And now I'm a respected science communicator who talks about poured on the side. Let's go see happen. So towards the end you have SpongeBob. Who do you guys know what he said when he was coming? Because I wrote a town. Oh, that is the worst part of the whole thing in my eyes because

I think I've got the tone now.

Ryan Creamer 44:15
Nailed it just in time. Yeah, he definitely says blast off when he's orgasming. That's

Alice Vaughn 44:21
a sandy I'll say it. You came outside of me. How are we supposed to have a baby now? Well, maybe we can adopt then.

Ryan Creamer 44:30
So this is a big trick sponge knob is like a master deceivers. It trichter

Alice Vaughn 44:36
you jt tricker or did he come before he expected? It seemed like you said beforehand that there was indication from him that he was going to come. It could have been deception, but he was talking to himself about what to do today. True before she came in, so I don't think it was deception. I love that we're getting into the mind of a sponge right now. Yeah, what is this guy's motive? Well in part two SpongeBob does have sex in the costume with a squirrel? So it could have been done

Ryan Creamer 45:05
I saw that one too and it's funny because when they were doing I felt like the actors were like kind of on their sleeve wearing like, oh cool it's actually like working like I don't know if they thought that like physically it would be able to work so I did get a vibe of like, all right like this is actually working which is very funny. Oh, I

Alice Vaughn 45:21
can bang in this giant monstrosity right? I have to say though, because I shouldn't spoil it because we need to you haven't watched the sequel at event? No, I haven't. It's also done by wood rocket and it has Tommy pistol and anta witches and has Patrick. Oh, is that Who? Oh my god. That's gonna be great. Yeah,

Unknown Speaker 45:39
he was so good.

Alice Vaughn 45:40
q i was watching the porn and texting Tommy because

Ryan Creamer 45:44
who did Patrick really well, he did the voice really well. And he just like amazing, clearly improvised choices in character that were just like, very funny.

Alice Vaughn 45:52
I couldn't stop laughing while he was having sex with someone and sometimes we fast forward through these because the sex is just sex. But like, he threw in so many good lines said, yeah, it's the dirty secret of the porn reviewer. We don't watch all the fucking we watched most of it, but I watched like 60% 70% when you can scroll and you're like, yep, I see they're still just gone doing it. It's just still dick going in at the same angle. Oh, they change positions like that.

Ryan Creamer 46:20
Yes, I'll do that general porn scrubbing technique in general. I feel like it's like as until position is changed like I'm not going to stop scrub.

Alice Vaughn 46:28
I have realized so I can watch porn at two times a speed interesting. I feel like for some parts that would make it better honestly for the SpongeBob poured Yes. It would just make SpongeBob sounds sponge Bobby or

Ryan Creamer 46:42
you know like impossibly like dog pitch level like can't be heard by the human ear. Or do you just watch like these at two times speed don't like on your for personal pleasure watch porn at twice the speed do

Alice Vaughn 46:54
not yet. I should try one day. Yeah,

Ryan Creamer 46:58
no, I was just yeah, no

Alice Vaughn 46:59
now I'm curious. I need to do that one day. Well, you know what, tomorrow's a new day. Yeah. Or tonight? Why not? There's always a time you can do it's a time a place sometimes in the subway at work. The self driving I mean, your mom's house.

Ryan Creamer 47:13
Yep. These are all I think the top five spots to do it. I

Alice Vaughn 47:16
mean, behind the bush if you're really desperate. So Ryan, what did you learn from this porn?

Ryan Creamer 47:21
Great question. I learned the value of committing to a character. I think the actors that were in this you got to give it up for him because this is in terms of acting commitment, you're they're not getting the chops they deserve this is takes a lot of commitment. And it's something that I think most normal people out in the street if you asked for like, I couldn't step up to the plate and do this, so I have a lot of respect for it. And then I also learned that obviously sponges reproduce by budding so there's a plot hole in a big way. And I learned that it was all a trick. It was kind of

Alice Vaughn 47:53
a piece part loofa then he came from a fucking tree and he's full of shit. So dear reader, we don't know If we have ruined or enhanced your childhood today if you have deep thoughts on sponge knobs square balls Smith SpongeBob SquarePants getting a blowjob, let us know where we're still deciding on our thoughts on this. Mainly because I think between the voice and the face, the uncle fester II face like it was amusing, but films like this do make me sit there and go Yeah, of course these people are professional fuckers, because I would not be able to give a blowjob without accidentally clamping down from laughing if the person in front of me, was it a goddamn SpongeBob costume so don't you dare say these people aren't actors. This was amazing. Oh, and apparently Anthony Rosano those shoes. Those on character SpongeBob shoes for his Really? Yeah, I love everything. That's great. Once in a while the universe is perfect.

Ryan Creamer 48:53
And that universe is now during sponge. Bob Square nuts.

Yvette d'Entremont 48:56
At least for today. Things are good.

Ryan Creamer 48:58
So Ryan, where can our listeners find you listeners can find me on pornhub.com I'm also on Twitter. You can find me there. My handle is at rye guy guy rye. If you go to those spots, you'll find me elsewhere. Those are the key spots.

Alice Vaughn 49:10
And Brian is also a writer for College Humor. So go check out College Humor there. They amused me so they should probably like it's like I'm a sick fuck and you guys enjoy me so go enjoy them too awesome. And by the way, we have some patrons to think this week because I feel like we've submitted you guys to like two weeks straight of like, fucking yellow jaundice porn. We owe us some humans. So the humans that support us and by the way, you can support us to@patreon.com slash two girls one Mike, because we send out microphones we get guests on the show. We didn't pay for hosting and websites and a lot of stuff that's really unnecessary, but you listen to us so we pay for our porn to we need money to keep the lights on for this thing. I'm pretty sure my lights are almost off at this. Well, I don't even have lights on right now. But Have daylight it's dark right San Francisco for the wind. So here's some Patreon said we want to thank Aaron Mayo Amanda Potter Cole Andrew Gore, Bob Dole Bob Medford, Carl, Christa frollo, Craig Elliott, David bolak grin Shriver James Overton, Jeff Peterson, Michael trolling Joshua rice john wing and gall john Redford, Mr. Danks, Nathan dingli, rowdy Samuel Jennings, Tracy Miller, and so many more. So yeah, and you can find us I'm rational blonde on Twitter. So at rational blonde, and you could find Yvette at the cyber babe on Instagram and Twitter and@facebook.com slash sigh babe and of course my website is Sai babe calm because it'd be throwing off makeup on me I am halfway fuckable so and if you throw enough makeup on me, I can become SpongeBob if it's yellow. So come check us out. support us on Patreon. We love you guys. Thanks for hanging out with us while we discuss pornography and I'm just getting blowjobs.

Yeah. All right, well,

Unknown Speaker 51:04
see you guys next week.

Unknown Speaker 51:06
Bye boy

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