Alice & Yvette list of advertisers they'll likely never work with, as well as a cardinal rule one Patreon broke. They also review "I Dream of Twinkie", where a scantily clad genie named Twinkie is rescued from his bottle and has three sex wishes to grant his new master. Become a Patreon!
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We're committed to your pleasure here at the porn cast and that means we won't promote anything that isn't Alice tested any better approved and this one is definitely tested several times over. Yeah, there was suction and fluffing and thermometers and the tea bags. You mean teabagging? No, I got something in my eye and use teabags to get the swelling to go down. What did you get in your eye? My husband's calls it It took a fucking village, a literal fucking village and well worth it because thanks to clone a Willie we've now cloned body parts on ourselves and willing volunteers and we can even make them buzz. No policies or cops were harmed in the making of this partnership we live in amazing times. Now where can our listeners check this out Alice to clone it and bowknot go to Kelowna Willie calm and type in promo code tg o m 20 to get 20% off your first purchase.
This is two girls one Mic. The show that talks about the holes and plotholes of your favorite porn.
Cool Welcome to two girls one Mic the podcast that dares to ask if you give someone gonorrhea Who gave it to you. Is that considered a clap back? I'm your co host Alice Vaughn and with me I have my gorgeous stunning erotic sexy. co host diva john Trimont this Hi babe, how you doing event? You know what I've never dealt with some gonorrhea in my life. So I'm sitting here going I'm pondering the clapback gos city of returning it. You know what? Why not? Maybe that's the origin of the term. I feel like that's the only time you can or should give someone gonorrhea back is if they originally gave it to you. You're just re gifting an STD that's all you're doing. God an endorsement not an endorsement Don't do this. I mean, unless you know here's the in order to give it back to someone you need to sit down They're on that act of infection, knowing they've been treated for it. And like the process of this seems a little arduous just to get revenge like I'd rather I don't know what I'd rather do for revenge to someone who gave me an S like, it's not like someone gifted it to you. It's not like they were like here for Christmas. I thought you'd enjoy this. Like, it's often like somebody had no idea. microbes are sneaky, like, how does one gift that event? All I'm saying is this policy is so hot, it burns. I don't know. Think linger about that and call a hospital. If that does happen to you. I overthought that joke to death, I want to take out that entire section of me chewing the life out of that joke. That's not okay. And happens to the best of us. So, speaking of killing jokes, you know, so we started actually this podcast with an advertiser, but we realized, although quota Willie is an official sponsor of this podcast, There are so many that we probably will never be candidates for. Oh my god I've been joking for so long that like one day we're going to start it off with two girls one Mike the porn cast that still can't get a fucking callback from audible. It's we're the only ones we goddamn ones everyone on the planet has an audible subscription now to girls one Mike the podcast where we actually would give a reason for you to use Dollar Shave Club. Oh, I like it. Do you know anyone who's ever gotten Dollar Shave Club? Me? Do you like it? I do, actually. So but then I'll get it. I'm a lazy shopper. I think we should just run through all of them. stamps.com because they won't sponsor us. I have to actually put on some fucking pants and go to the post office stamps calm. The unofficial Strug meal of the United States. Samsung comm the unofficial drug meal of this podcast. I mean, we would never Oh, surely we wouldn't Well, you know, depends on the doctor. rug. Blue Apron, not a sponsor the show because clearly I still have to go to Trader Joe's. Blue Apron, not a sponsor of the show because we can fucking cook Blue Apron for when you need to directions and just can't Google Blue Apron the Born on third kit of cooking that will work for people who know baseball. Oh, okay, almost. Then there's third love third love because they know the kind of jokes that will make about them. We'll never get a sponsorship third love because I'm still shopping at Victoria's Secret. I don't know why. Third love because I feel like that name it would be false advertising to some of our listeners. Third love because that would be downsizing how many partners some of our listeners have third love because we need six love for dread.
Jesus Christ. Yeah, they're never enough dread jokes really aren't so speaking Things you could put in my mouth quip.
That's another reason we'll never get back to fresh sponsorship.
quiff cuz toothbrushes didn't need much of an upgrade after sticking bristles quip because if you're easy at gagging, I've got something to put in your mouth
quiff because after ATM, you need to brush down. So speaking of jobs when you get done, zip recruiter,
zip recruiter the Tinder for career websites, sip recruiter what you've given up and you just need to apply for jobs with one click. They're there for you. Zip recruiter when you want one callback from 27 jobs and not a second callback from one job, the zip recruiter for when you want to be found by an MLM. I have to tell you the story you know who contacted me through zip recruiter Cognizant this company that does all the outsourcing I believe all the outsourcing for Facebook's content moderation. And they presented the job as a writer job. Oh, that's how they found me and it's like they totally misrepresented what it was and they tried to use like fluffy language around it so awkward zip recruiter and Cognizant anyways, you know what they could have also used to contact you. They could have used T Mobile they could have used MailChimp
MailChimp when you want to overspend on email marketing, MailChimp because they haven't heard of Gmail, there are actually a lot of other cheaper services
Robinhood for when you've wanted to lose all your money on an app, which ones Robin Hood is that one is that the stock one? Yeah. Oh, dear Robin Hood, because if you don't know anything about the stock market, good for Robin Hood, or there's at least a Reddit forum for that. Robin Hood, because if you don't know anything about crypto either good, you should probably come here and they'll take Your money. So speaking of taking people's money
I think this is a great segue to what happened to us recently. Oh yeah, we should have
Sue, we should talk about some Patreon stuff. There's some business Yeah, so first off, we always want to thank all of our amazing patrons and I know we normally think them towards the end of an episode, but fuck it, we're gonna go crazy on you guys this week. This Is Us bustin out yo, where we dropped an eight ball before the show today. And so we're thinking Patreon is first one. Yeah, so this week, we want to thank Brian Andrew gore bn bob dole Bob Medford rental, Brian Gowdy, Carl, Dave Bullock, Falco, hi, Teresa cell, Ryan, Chamblee, Shane right rich priests pilot Mike sorbetto, and many many more. All right, patrons are first off amazing they get an extra content from us we shoot them over some extra quickie episodes. It's the only way you get a quickie with one of us. Speaking of that,
see I'm segwaying you're rubbing off on me speaking of that, we allow our patrons to do a lot so we talked to them we interact you guys send us your favorite porn so like we have some amazing conversations how we hear about you getting stepped by your crazy ex girlfriends that true story from one of our patrons that we chat with every month it's it's We love you guys we dig it but what we're not okay with and we have one cardinal rule one, one rule what's up really bad, don't send us pictures of your fucking genitalia. Unless and there is a caveat. If you are so, so desperate to have alysus and my eye holes on your genitalia, whether it's whether it's a vagina, or penis or something in between, I do not care. You have to put a funny hat or googly eyes. Do you have to dress it up? Or and we have a new rule that we're adding this week or send us a delightful we want effort into a video and we have to we have to see your face in this video too. We cannot have anonymous genitalia floating around. But we need like a five second festive video with like graphics and things we want to be extremely clear when we say festival video. We want confetti, we want funny noises we want slow motion if we can see you to shoot a pennywhistle with your butthole we want to see this if you would post this on tik tok. We want to see it Oh yeah, we want to be entertained and if you can entertain us with your genitalia, oh, bring that the fuck on. But your genitalia just gotta sit in there like I have genitals to Allison I also have partners with opposite genitalia. And we can entertain ourselves with those. We don't need pictures of yours unless you make it do a fun a dance. Now, the reason we bring this up to your reader Huh, we had someone break our rule, and not just break our rule to us. And this is why we thank our Patreon because they broke our rule all over our Patreon wall and our Patreon got eyes full of dick. Oh, yeah, really I full of tick. So this specific eyes full of sad dick from a guy named Sergio. We're naming and shaming Sergio because you're sending us threatening emails now and that's not okay. That's definitely not Okay, so first off Yeah, we're really open with our patrons at one point in our hundred dollar level. We even said that we would have our personal emails exchanged so that way we could keep in contact with whomever was at that level. However, we had to change that because people can play by the rules and ruin it for everyone else. Yeah, this is not okay. Especially the threatening emails we're getting now. So, guys, like like we said, we love interacting with you. We have a A lot of fun over on our Patreon wall, please just one rule. One fucking rule, don't it's, I mean, this isn't even don't talk about Fight Club. This is just don't take a picture of one specific part of your anatomy from what you have to extricate that from a couple pieces of clothing. That's not an Oops, that's an on purpose. You couldn't follow the rules. So we don't want to see your junk. We also don't want you to hit on either, but we're very clear. We have our people we're not looking for new humans to bang, look, we can take a compliment. We have no problem with that at all. But this person decided, Hey, I'm going to post my junk and then it was pretty explicit on our page we decided let's go ahead and ban this person. And by the way, I'm sorry, but if you'd give us 100 bucks and then give us a dick pic I'm gonna tax you that hundred dollars for making me look at your dick. This is how this whole tax This is one of the few occasions I can actually charge someone for me looking at an annuity seseri dick, you send us money post on our Patreon wall. Things that broke the rules. I don't mean being rude. You're rude. We're gonna give you a warning. You know this is the first time this has happened. Nobody has ever given it like everyone's just kind of nice on there. Know what like we're talking about port we're making dick jokes. Everyone's been fucking groovy. And one guy comes in and like, verbally masturbates to Alice, and is just Ah, it's a Who? Yeah, the emails are kind of creepy. My favorite is that he decided to come back pay $2 to be amazing to watch, slow motion train wreck, and then complain about us. Of course ending with that we're a bunch of fakes go Trump ban abortion because somehow that had anything to do with anything in this conversation. We're fake. Go Trump ban abortion. I got nothing look. I'm sorry that you escaped your But
but yeah this happened and now we get threatening emails from him so we're looking forward to going to the police like and again Allison are not exactly people who overreact to things these are not just email saying I'm mad that I was banned they are threats they're very explicitly threats and you know you can be flirty you can be funny you can you can tell obviously you can tell a dick joke or 27 around us. Don't send us your penis unless it's got a fucking hat on it man. If your first time listeners guys were super chill seriously, we talk about genitals all the time. We're a little obsessed. It's a little it's creepy almost. Do you guys understand how much porn we watch? A lot. This is what we do. Like I sat down and watch so much dick going into so much asked today. And then after I watched it for work, I watched it for fun. That's dedication that came out better than I expected. There was one okay joke. I'm okay with that. I'm proud of you. But yeah, guys, so we can take a joke. We just don't want to see your dicks unless again, Google. Eyes funny hat, give it a tiara. Make it do a dance, do puppetry of the penis. don't spam our Patreon wall for fuxi cut that said, Please become patrons, because that's how we pay for editing. Yes. And we pay for hosting and sending out mics to our fantastic guests that we have on the show. Seriously, we give a shit about our patrons. We just don't want to see your decks. Yeah, and we don't like it's we're Equal Opportunity non wanting to see anyone's genitals unless we ask. Yeah, and I think vaginas are very pretty. I just don't want to see any of yours unless I've personally asked or unless you know what I mean. And I'm not going to personally ask any of you I have an exception to the rule. Oh, okay, so I've always heard of a jazlyn Oh, yeah, if you are and I think that goes with our if it's wearing a funny hat rule. Yeah, let's go with that. If you're a jazz old and you want to send us your your vajazzle vajayjay want to say that we definitely we need to see all have that. So yeah, send us your vajazzle like and we want to know about the process. We have questions. All I'm envisioning right now is a peanuts cartoon character down there above the clitoris is too much. Just Snoopy Snoopy down there. Like I always just picture there being like, like something that looked like a comma where their legs suffer. Like, what is peanuts cartoon character? Like, what does the animator consider how they're drawn? is a copyright infringement if you have a peanuts character vajazzle old? Oh my God, if you're a copyright lawyer, please email us let us know. And if you're an animator, please animate it and send it to us. Because we're sick evil fucks and if you decide to get your vagina vajazzle with a peanuts character, specifically Snoopy, I really want to see it. That's not even a joke. You know, somebody's gonna go out and do it. Oh my god. I hope they do. Is that a thing people are still doing? I say with horror spreading across What if I got it done. Oh I need its I'd say get video of the process but I don't know if that counts as taking video of your own porn like at a thing. I mean if I do get it down I'll send at least to you. So you're saying there's hope there's a chance if you want Alice and I both go get vajazzle and talk about it at a future episode, email info to girls one Mike, we want to hear what why what how? Yeah, should we do this? Why not? Look, people put rhinestones in more inappropriate places like crocs. This is very true. I don't think you should decorate you cannot make a crock pretty vagina is already pretty. Of course I do wonder what Dr. Jen Gunter would say about about the jostling? Are there other gynecological ramifications of the jostling only depending where you stick it? Yeah, I feel like if you keep above the hood, so to speak, you should be okay. But I don't know if there's potential for like the glue to come. I don't know. I'm all in favor of keeping any extra curriculars that you don't need to put in here to get off? I'm definitely not googling for gi NYCLU.
There was a guy a few years ago who like and I was praying that this was a hoax and I don't think it turned out to be that was like that sold like it was just vagina glues like yeah, just glue your shit shut and you don't need to have a period. Yeah, that's how biology works guys. Yeah, I can just turn it off. It's not like it shows up completely inconveniently whenever I don't want it. Ah, we're failing at teaching reproductive biology but that is a rant for another day. Because we have porn to review. We do have porn to review. So we reviewed this week. I mean, I Dream of Jeannie porn. It's I Dream of Jeannie but because we have not done a gay man on man porno for a long time. And we were like we should Alison I should sit down for girl chat. about some men doing some some delightful things. And this is not a Dream of Jeannie. It is Alice. I dream a Twinkie. It was so much fun. It was it was two hours and about 15 minutes. But it was, it was pretty good. Like it wasn't their best when they're seeing. That's pretty good. I mean, okay, so for those of you who don't know what a twink is, twink is a slang for a young man in his late teens to early 20s whose traits include physical attractiveness little to no body or facial hair, some towers build super youthful appearance. That's a tweak I looked at him I have minor contention with this guy being considered a twin because I always could picture twinks to be like, just smaller than that just shorter and teensy are in stature. But you know, I'm not a gay man. So I could be I'm probably fucking wrong on this. I was excited about this. So because I mean, I grew up on I Dream of Jeannie and It's funny because it was actually, you know, a network show of the 50s and 60s. And I looked into it and there was so much that I realized that now as an adult, I didn't know. So for example, I didn't know that, you know, do you remember I Love Lucy, Lucy and Ricky had separate beds. Yeah, they weren't allowed to show I think I want to say it was The Brady Bunch. That was the first couple that had them have a bed together on television. There were a ton of them that they weren't allowed to have a bed together. Yeah. So it was actually also one of the popular network shows that had strict bedroom rules and forced Wow, yeah, so Jeannie and Tony were never allowed to be shown going into the bedroom together and shutting the door behind them was strictly out of the question. If that wasn't extreme enough. Even when Genie turned into pink smoke, she had to be shown leaving the room alone. Oh my god. Like the only thing they focused on when you were a kid. It was like you'd ever see genies belly button. Ha ha ha. Like that's the whole thing. They focus. No one ever By the way, you see all this other stupid bullshit speaking of her belly button actually. So Barbara Eden who played genie in original I Dream of Jeannie. So sensors they were super strict on not showing her belly button but let's be frank, she were a crop top for how many seasons? Yeah, like we saw her everything else. But at one point there was one slip up that actually did cause a bit of commotion during the series, man belly buttons, and then you know what, 2030 years later Janet Jackson's nipple we just keep on freaking out about dots on women's bodies. And it's weird because they wanted baggy pantaloons so her legs wouldn't show it through. They wanted the belly button covered up the cleavage was completely fair game, so they wanted her skimpy but only in certain network acceptable ways. slotted imagination. It's weird which things were Yeah, this is totally loud, but this is too far. How dare you? Yeah, the belly button pool the various sexual belly button. So if you've never seen I Dream of Jeannie, it's a classic American fantasy sitcom starring Barbara Eden as a 2000 year old Genie and Larry Hagman, as an astronaut who becomes her master whom she falls in love with and eventually marries. The show originally aired in September 65 to may 1970, and was actually the last Network series to be filmed in black and white. By Season Two was in color. I didn't know that about the switchover to color being in the middle of that. Yeah. And then they actually didn't even have a theme song either until the second season. What I know so that iconic I dream song. Yeah.
So what's nice is this film that we're going to review had definitely tropes that they pulled from I Dream of Jeannie, but it was a little different. So maybe we should start with a dreamer Twinkie. So we had a couple prominent gay actor so we had chase youngest Twinkie, we had Trevor Knight as rod Dickerson, Harry hiddenly as Doug Jeffries, so we begin with a sepia tone screen and some interesting backstory. So we're told, once upon a time there was a poor Genie trapped in the lamb for thousands of years Twinkie was enslave two grand three sexual wishes to anyone that rubbed him right and could only be freed and granted mortality upon the receipt of a mortal kiss of true love. So first off, here's my question. Why is it three sexual wishes I feel like this is number one is putting some restrictions on it. Number two, as we find out in the episode, it's not sexual wishes for this person. It's any wish that happens to be of a sexual nature which kind of deviates from this. Now the other thing is with genie in the show, it's just kind of she's his servant, slave person in perpetuity. So they you know, of course, change it to three because we had, you know, here and have put so many scenes before you have to free Genie from the bottle so to speak. You know, I actually was wondering where the trope of the three Genie wish came from? Do you know? No, no. So according to Wikipedia, the fisherman and the genie is one of the few stories included in every known manuscript of 1001 nights. Oh, I was one of my favorite like picture books when I was a kid. Supposedly, there is an existing 14th century Syrian manuscript or 300 stories with the fisherman and the Genie, where it's a story about a fisherman catching fish that happens to be a genie. And that goes back to the 14th century. So there's that But yeah, I mean, that's supposedly the origin of the three Genie wish. And it makes actually a really good plot device. Although I was trying to think of what I want. If I had three wishes, specifically three sexual wishes you'd wish one of them to be Manuel Ferrara obviously you'd want a motor bunny I'd want I'd want a motor bunny. You want a motor bunny? Hide obviously want my asshole to be retained after dread? Hey, they're very elastic. They bounce back. I would hope I'm just saying if it doesn't I want security. Yeah, yeah. I think a genie for security on that might be that's life insurance, right? I kind of want to know, I mean, what is the limit when it comes to vagina? I mean, can we make up a clown car? Can that sexual wish be can we make this a clown car? How many can come at? Well, you know, technically the Octomom answered that who Yeah, you're right. Oh, yeah, nevermind, pass on that hard pass. She's also proof that it can bounce back. Octomom. If you're listening. We're willing to take you on. We guess there is Octomom porn. So we have questions. We want to know how you're doing. We're legitimately concern for your vagina. I mean, that sounds like it was difficult if you are octo mom's vagina, please write to us at info tocom if your octo mom's vagina agent, it's a separate agent actually totally different. I'm sure. I mean, we're all sure it was a C section. But dear god, that's a lot of goddamn babies. Yeah, I mean, one for me is a lot. One is one too many for any of my holes. So there Anyways, back to the buttholes in this or no. So we began with a rod and Doug who are running along a beach working out. Duck, I've noticed by the way is being a non stock dicto rod, it seems like there might be some sexual tension. But we find out later I'm wrong about this. It's just they're just they're picking on each other while they're running, you know, eventually trips. He's like the osteoporosis kicked in. And then he picks us up and it's this lamp that we're like every time there's a genie story and someone picks up a lamp or We're all looking at it like you haven't seen every single fucking Genie story ever. This is a lamp, you rub it in a genie comes out. And like, they're always looking at it like it's, oh, it's a lamp. It's so pretty and it's like, and I get it. It's like yelling at the characters in a horror movie don't go towards the green light. But after the zillions Genie story, when no one ever has an oil lamp like that anymore, you're like,
you know, the only thing it makes me think about a rubbing is Christina Aguilera.
All I'm saying is I want a genie in another vessel. I think that is a fair argument. But all I'm saying is that specific song she was talking about her clitoris. It's specifically for dudes inability to find it in my opinion. What although apparently she says this, and I kid you not she did an interview specifically that she said the song is not about sex. It's about self respect. Liar. Like Christine that that might be what the studio executives told you as a sweet, innocent 16 year old, but they lied through their teeth to you so that you would help them make money off of your sweet innocent sexuality. Okay? Lie. Gentlemen, ladies, you just have to rub her the right way. Yeah, with respect. I'm just saying. That's how you rub all women with respect. I'm just I'm embarrassed for that. Respect gets me as hot naughty as anyone else. But you know, it really gets me going just touching my clitoral with permission of course. Oh, honey, you're respecting me hard tonight. Huh? Get down there and respect that interest a little to the left.
Show it some manners.
I want those manners harder now. Faster. Goddamnit.
Sorry, Christina. Sure you met Well with that statement so going back to Doug being a colossal taking this porn, are you kidding me? It's dirty and tacky like you. Rob decides to talk to his goddamn lamp and says Don't listen to him. I'm taking you home because that's normal talk to him in an inanimate object once you found it. Yeah, sure. Yeah. I always talk to seaglass when I pick it up. Yeah, that's a thing. Rod. You look great in my bedroom. Yeah, fantastic. More shit to clutter up your garbage style the core. That's just not friendly. In my opinion, like the tension there. It was hard to tell what was driving it and like, the script wasn't written well for the dynamic they were trying to portray later on in the movie. I mean, yeah, the tension was absolutely non existent. In my opinion. between those two, it seemed like tension, but it seemed more like you know, you could cut the tension with a spoon. Yeah, it's like it seemed more like buddies punching each other that we're gonna play basketball later. Now. That we're going to do but stuff. Yeah. So we have rod going back to his apartment. He's staring at the Aladdin style lamp because obviously How else do you know it's a lamp? If it's not Aladdin style? Yeah, I mean, this is I was hoping I mean, I think this is why it bugged me. I think this is one of those things where they could have turned it into a hornier thing. They could have taken the lamp and turned it into an enema bulb. Ah, well decorated nm abobe I think that that would have worked. Are you saying I'm a dazzled and a my bone. I want the dazzling on that Manama pub. I think that would be a perfect little. For the genie. Pair of two girls one Mike, we think it's important to support you in your masturbatory habits. It's sex with someone you love, and we love them to love some really strong word. According to my therapist. We care about giving each and every one of them a better orgasm. And that is Close enough, and we will never recommend anything we haven't personally tested which is why you can trust us when we say we highly recommend Cloner Willy because with clone Willy you can masturbate and have sex or someone you love while at home and shame eating overeats I told you to take the camera out of my home. Oops. So with quota Willie, you can make a dildo and now a fleshlight out of your own anatomy. As we found. It's a fun and messy process. And if you're doing this on your partner, they're strategizing and evasive maneuvering. It's kind of like adult risk, but instead of winning a fake country, you get a real vibrator and do what you want with it. hang it on a wall, hide it in your goodie drawer for when you're home alone, send it to your significant other as the only version of you that's willing to fly united
use it to fix a broken leak or to cause one
personal experience. Use it as a peer cozy smash the patriarchy with the cold one ladies. So crack a cold I'm with the boys stick it in the girls. where can our listeners find out more about this madness to quote unquote it go to corner Willie calm to check it out and type in the promo code tg o m 20 to get 20% off your first purchase.
So you see rod shaking and rubbing a clean and of course, cue laugh track the genie comes out and this is where I have to give them credit. We had a porn with the left track Well done, but they didn't use it only once. They used it several times throughout the film. And I'll give them credit for that because we've seen porn like friends that use the laugh track once or twice and didn't continue to use it. It was so super like they were kind of like, hey, look, here's a hint of left track. This one dropped it like they aren't fully and judiciously use the left track. I was happy with that. So kudos to them on that. And Twinkie comes out and he explains he's a genie of the lamp and is willing to grant him three sexual wishes again So think of your sexual wishes write them to us at info to girls on Mike calm. How many people are you willing to be dp tree peed Quadri peed by? We want to know what the weirdest one is. And if you had a genie if people will send us in the weirdest ones, I kind of want to read a few from on the air. No, seriously, let us know a fantasy that you know will probably not happen although we really do want all of our podcast listeners to get the sex they want the craziest sex they want the weirdest sex they want. Yeah. Oh, so much sex that they want. A friend of mine asked me the other day, you know, how do you know you're with the right person to marry? Because you see, he had the mistaken idea that I knew shit about relationships. I know how to make mine work. I don't know things about general stuff. But one of the things I told him was you need to be able to tell your partner not just you know, I like this. I like that that you're doing. You need to be able to tell them the weird shit. The weirdest felt like if you Saw a thumbnail of and I know I joke about tentacles a lot. And I joke about it because people kind of hear that and reflexively go, if I liked that. That would be too weird. Tell my partner because they would judge me. You need to be able to tell them about your equivalent of the technical shit, whatever that is. And if you think they would judge you, for whatever you're really weird shit is, you know, unless it's kids or animals in that case, no, like, if you don't line up an 80% of the things and your weird shit is like not a thing you think that they would ever be okay with. Because they aren't someone who accepts your whatever you are except kinks. Maybe it's not gonna work. You need to be able to talk about all of the kinks. So, if you have those three wishes, and have unfortunately not found that person who you've dove so deep into your sexual fantasies that you haven't found though, wow, this is a sticky one. What would you ask your Genie for would Let's hear them and if you got one you want to be read out anonymously. We would love to do that. That'd be kind of fun. Look, all I'm saying is we want our listeners to be happy and to get rammed or be rammed or do all the ramming that they would like to do or watch the ramming or listen to the ramming hordes. We want your genitals happy is what we're saying. We do. I want to specifically read about those interesting fantasies. I'd say the weirder the better, but I also don't know how weird it gets. Oh, no, I want the weirdest send them to me. Dude, I tried clown porn. Somebody messaged me not that long ago asking when we're gonna review clown porn, which means we have to review clown porn.
You know, this is a well known scientist who emailed me. So, Sean Carroll stop emailing us about cloning.
Oh my god. I'll tell you after or two it was Neil deGrasse Tyson. I wasn't going to tell you God wasn't going to tell our listeners. Dr.
Bill Nye Come on. Oh, you guys you ready knows nim for you. Neil's into climate change porn. He wants to watch people doing it on top of a wind turbine. That's his thing. So going back to the actual porn, so Twinkie pops out of course rod is surprised by the way they had a smoke machine or a smoke coming out of the lamp. So you knew it was a genie? Of course. Yeah. And silly sexy master every Genie has their specialty. And you are the one that received me. Okay, what are you waiting for a sexual specialty? Yes, but I want to know the other specialties that are out there for genies. Yeah, like are is there one that's like all do any three house chores that involve getting mold off of tiles, but that's it. Is there a genie of dentistry? Yeah. Oh, carwash God is there one for wrinkles? I need that cheney kept me that fucking lamp. Is there a plumbing Genie? You know if there's a plumbing Genie then the number of women that would just not look for me they'd be like, I got a vibrator. I just I'm gonna call this guy the next three plumbing emergencies and that'll probably get me through to the end of menopause. God I mean, how specialized Can you be as a genius? Well, who am I scream? Genie? My Uber driver is creepy. Please pick me up on the side of the road right now. Genie, I lost my house keys for the 14th time to uni. I dropped my phone in the toilet. Well shitting Oh my God saved me Genie. Is that handbag on sale yet? Genie. Is that food still good or Have I made a horrible error in judgment? Genie light said wish you could do clap on Clap off with Jeannie. Could somebody please pee for me? It's 4am and I don't know where my glasses are and the toilet is way too fucking far away for this Genie. Speaking of ping, is there a genie for to tell you specifically when the right times to pee during a movie are good? That's a genie. I want a genie for that. And what would you tell me how many ounces of fluid I get a half answer by book. That's a good Genie. That is a good Genie, a genie of vacation planning around the weather. People would fucking pay for that one. Is there a genie who will get you an umbrella when you've accidentally left out of a home knowing it was going to rain?
And everyone be like, what are you doing? It's only 20% Oh, I know when it's raining. I know. How do you know I have a cine? I want that Genie. I want a genie that specializes only in Sudoku games. It's
often specifically Only to answer to you once you fucked up so severely because you put the wrong number on the wrong chain. Oh man, those are painful moments in your life that you just won't get back but you'll have a genie for it three times. Oh, only three. But thankfully genies aren't owned by gaming companies like EA. Oh, if you want to undo this micro transaction with this Genie please send us another dollar 99 for Genie cold coins
sorry this so the genie explains he can only fulfill three sexual wishes and then he returned to his lamp or he awaits his next master. So they get interrupted Of course. And of course the doorbell rings and of course, who shows Mr. Man's man's and I'm like there's more than one port but we're getting right into Mormon do we kind of talked about Mormon dick with Allison on our Patreon content? Yeah. Which was why I was like, already Like I was having this moment of I'm like I'm not on hallucinogens right now. Like I know we just talked we talked about it within this one. The Mormons are their rod points that I'm in says to them I want to see their sexual fantasy. So of course then that we see the Mormons begin boning Yep. All of a sudden onto the couch and I mean, here's the thing for this one I skipped a lot of the sex because I'm like I just want to see what the what the plot is for this. And it just it's funny because at first like he the genie does the you know arms together and blink much like Barbara Eden did and he does the you know, arms together blink and they go from being at the door to on the couch with their pants off shirts open ties on ton making out and they look up at rod and Twinkie and they're like hey a little privacy and they leave and then the scene just you know goes on it's just gone. Oh porn from there. But you know, it was it was cute though. They had the you know, the arms together and blink done, you know, as they had in the original. It was a nice throw. Yeah, after the bagging we go to the next day. We're Twinkie appears in front of rod as he's trying to fix the laundry. Of course, Doug walks in wonders why the hell there's a guy dressed in an Aladdin costume, which is apt to wonder I would look at my friend and be like, you know, whatever your sexual thing is good for you, which is pretty much what you know what happened, basically. So he ends up leaving and as he's leaving, he runs into the plumbers because rod was trying to fix the laundry machine. And the plumbers come in. And apparently once rod and Twinkie leave the room, one of the plumbers decides to remark we've been getting a lot of queer customers lately. They just make me nervous. Oh, how dare you and of course you see what that kid was wearing? Because yes, a guy in a genie costume while it clearly make anyone nervous. I didn't realize that Genie costume necessarily screamed homo. That was he they didn't give me that in the handbook but I guess it says get Like, no, but right out of view, you know, we hear rod say I hate homophobia, I wish they would just fuck here and of course, Twinkies hearing the word wish every time literally and goes as you wish master arms together blinks, and all of a sudden the homophobe is getting over his fear, so to speak with his assistant boning over the dryer, and it's like, this is the first time I've seen a plumber banging seen in one of our porns I was so happy and there was a plumbers crack, too. Exactly. It's bonus points for the plumbers crack, you know, little bit of reality goes a long way. Have you ever been on a washing machine? I'm almost sure I did. Yeah, Yes, I did. Indeed. Two guys back. See in my brain. I heard I misheard that initially, I was like two guys one washing machine. Oh, yeah. It's I feel like you kinda have to go. What would it be? Eiffel Tower for That one. Yeah. there'd have to be some maneuvering some flexibility, some very long limbs. I have a very tiny laundry room at the moment. So, and actually, this is the weirdest situation because my laundry room has a massive boulder in it. Oh, yeah, this happens. So the house that I have was built over rocks. And there's what I'm not even kidding you, Nick thing and did the rock room. Because when you walk in, the first thing you see is a massive boulder taking over 75% of the room. Oh. And then to your left, there's a laundry and dryer and then the rest is bolder. So unfortunately, I wouldn't be able to really fuck on laundry and dryer because there's I don't know the rocks in the way. You could hang over some guy's shoulders while he's eating your pussy and put your hands in the boulder and you could be as over the shoulder boulder holder. That was horrible. So I'm embarrassed by that, but a little proud at the same time. I'm proud of him. Okay. Okay, cool. I'm glad I'm glad someone is my mother certainly isn't. Don't worry. Our parents stopped being proud of us long ago. Yeah, every so often they'll tell mom about something that happens on this and she'll go, that's nice, dear.
She's happy for me. But at the same time, she's like, Yeah, I don't listen to that. I like your other thing.
She's, she's the most supportive parent I could possibly have. For someone who makes as many jokes about penises. As I do. I could not ask for a better mother. But man, like she's very prim and proper. And I say fuck, so much. Just an interesting combination. So host a plumber's boning rod suggests that the genie be a little bit more discreet. So we'd have a wardrobe montage. Oh yeah. And it's it is a fabulous wardrobe montage. If you're here with us for An episode long time ago that will live in two girls when making fun of me. If you remember from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's balls are character flag I believe that fagg Hagrid would approve of this wardrobe montage if you want to go back and listen to that episode it was Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's balls we need to do way more of these gay porns we need to find more but like I'm sorry, but the puns in the plot and that when we're better I think I mean as the resident pansexual on the show that does define what twists your nipples correct. So he says you know, we get it get a good outfit for Twinkies like Alright, we're gonna pop over to Sierra and play ball. We have to be discreet and goes okay, Master blinks them over. And he's like, what did I say about being discreet and Frank comes over playing basketball and says Hey, why don't you guys get over here and Twinkie goes, Oh, we just popped over you know and kind of gives an almost wing face and then like holds his head To the side and says very obviously, how is that for discreet offices back to home? It's not very discreet when you have to explain you're being discreet, you know. So then finally, the friend asked, all right, what's the gag and they do a cut screen. And he says, you're gonna think I'm crazy. And they do a cut screen to it. Yeah, I think you're crazy. cine? I mean, and specifically, again, a sex Genie? Yeah, sex Genie. I just feel like is whenever we watch one of these types of things, where someone has a magical mystical thing, and we're in on it because we've seen it all happen and then we see their friend that's the disbeliever we all think we believe the guy No, we'd be sitting there telling them Dude, I have to get you to a mental institution you're seeing things. Exactly. And what's really sweet is so rod is able to get hairy to find his true love in this because he accidentally wishes for it. It's the nicest thing that ever leaves to shower bone exactly because Twinkie Of course needs To know if rod is on the market, so he asks if rod and Harry are a thing. And rod explains to Twinkie that as much as you know they're best friends that Harry is pining over his fellow friend who he plays basketball with. And although Harry's always look on the lookout for potential suitors for rod You know, he wishes he could find someone for himself and that's where the accident your wishes. Next question comes in the third one actually, Rod accidentally wishes for true love for his best friend who's pining for Twinkie of his own and then cut the shower sex, which it was shower sex, it was shower sex, if that's what you're into. I recommend soap afterwards because that could get microbes are tricky. That's all I have to say about that. But anyway, on to next bit. Oh plot Twinkie says now that you've used up your wishes, it's time to return to the lamp but rod doesn't want him to go back to the land. And he tells Twinkie. He loves them. Now they've only known each other a day and a half. You know, sometimes when you find your apps you want to keep your ass. I mean, I have found good house within a day and a half. I did not tell it. I loved it. No, I you know, I waited at least 48 hours before I told my husband you weighed 48 hours, I weighed four years, I waited longer than 48 hours. It was it was a joke to No, no. It was it actually four years. I was a while I think it was like a little under two months for Derek it was two years before the first time my partner said that, you know, we'd love each other and then it took like, four or five, six years before we got it, you know, consistent, something like that. We had to have a therapist get involved. You know, this is a good message through our listeners, tell each other if you love each other, tell each other as soon as you figure that shit out. But don't say it within 48 hours. Yeah. No, no, I was joking. I did not say that was a joke. I hope they understand that again. I mean, you can lust for someone within 48 hours. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So much last thing we listed a lot. And I still like I mean, there's an argument to be made that six weeks was still laughs It probably was. But you know, worked out. Look, all I'm saying is a good fun good tick doesn't mean it's love.
I've had a lot of good dick. I've had one that I would call you know, I hadn't said to another man that I love them in 10 previous years, so I figure I use it judiciously. See, I use it too much as in like, I love you, man. Let me face it. I use it judiciously for men, whose penises I have been utilizing at the moment. I remember years ago with an ex boyfriend, where I said that I loved his cock. And he misheard that during sorrow. Oh, yeah, that was that's a that's a moment. was a hard one. It might not have been after that actually you're right it wasn't after that. Oh, you that's just one of those words you try to never you like you're like you can be like I love this ice cream. Oh fuck that word shouldn't have come up near a person that we don't know where we're at with The L Word no thrown out new new actually don't even love the ice cream have really strong feelings for it. I adore the ice cream the ice cream makes me feel good about myself and I think it's put me at a good place and this ice cream has come at the right time. It's not going to judge me I can bring it around my mother I can be myself around this ice cream. I really I've never felt like a complete woman until though most before I brains my body and really fills me up like oh no other man could. Things I could still say about ice cream sometimes I'm kidding. No, no, depending on which they get melts into I mean, well this can be said about men and ice cream in too many different ways. Look, we've seen some weird shit important now. Maybe involving nostrils maybe involving Coca Cola and vaginas maybe involving armpits? Oh Lord, look, all I'm saying is we have seven holes, we have to use them all. We have holes, we have crevices, we have divots. Are you really using your belly button? If Yeah, never mind. There's a scene in the matrix that still freaks me out with that. Remind me doesn't get a little bug going through the one of the bugs that they're using to track Neo going through the belly button, or is it just a random hole that it kind of invents in the stomach? I thought it was the belly button before he escaped the matrix. And he's still plugged in email said info to girls on mic calm because we don't remember the matrix I just spent because I just went down a rabbit hole with matrix like fan theories recently, because that's a thing you do. I'm almost sure went in through the belly button. It was that scene where like his mouth closes on itself. And he's being held down by Smith's and yeah, anyway, it's been too long since I've seen that film. It's still hold up. Oh yeah. The original Absolutely. Yes, it is absolutely as good as we remember it to be. Who is ever porn with someone who's a really good Keanu Reeves look like I could be wrong, but I think that Tommy pistol has been him in something and Tommy pistol does a really good kiato like I saw the picture of him and at first I thought it was Keanu. I could be misremembering, but I think it was him. Okay, so clearly I have some more porn to watch. We have work to do. There's a goal. Anyways, we had this, we are almost wrapped up with this one. So So rod is very sad, because you know, Twinkies gonna go away. And of course, he doesn't want to he's in love with him before he went off on this tangent About Love is a bit of a strong word. And I don't want you to go I know it's crazy, but I love you. And of course Twinkie is so so happy master I knew would be you. But anyways, they bang. And of course, they figure out that the curse is broken because it's only love's true kiss, their true love's kiss that can break the spell. So I have a little bit of contention with this because so Twinkie explained earlier on that if he finds love's true kiss, he becomes immortal and yet they bone in the lamp. Oh, yeah. Oh, how about it? fuck are they in the lab? That is a continuity error. You know what? Maybe they're mortal, but they're stuck tiny forever. Oh, wow. That's, that's
maybe in the lamp. He has like a genie hotline. And he can call a genie friend and be like, Yo, I'm mortal. I can get us the fuck out now, but first you got to get them over here and make me big again. I mean, you would assume there's some sort of a genie hotline so they could all communicate what else do you do with yourself for like, however many hundreds or thousands of years you're stuck in there? masturbate. Just fucking masturbate. I mean, I can't even imagine especially if you're new to sexual wish, Genie. You've heard it all. Yeah, like when he said at first that you genies have specialties My first thought was, is is going to be like room jobs or like, Is it going to be a specific sexual thing? And then it was like, No, just sex. I'm like, I wonder, does he know all the other geniuses? He had the phone number for the Genie, who will run my errands for me? Well, now it's going to be awkward, because now that if he's hypothetically mortal, I mean, before he didn't have to eat, think about this. You know what, maybe he won't be able to maintain that twink ish physique. And he might actually find out that he's a bear at heart who, and I support Twinkie, no matter what twinky chooses for his path. Now that said, I actually remember. So last year when I was at a conference, I flew out this kid actually to the American atheist conference. Oh, yeah, who he came from an Orthodox Jewish community. And it was one of those really, really restrictive sacks where he couldn't eat specific things, actually a lot of things so for example, the same sex that our friend BJ was in possibly like he like when we took him to a Mexican restaurant. He had no idea what most of the things were. Oh, so I did the charitable thing and I decided we're ordering everything off the menu. Wow, we ordered everything. With his mind just blown trying all the new flavors. He had 12 different types of tacos hands easily. Oh my god. That's fantastic. The thing that lit my heart up was just someone being able to have like a carne asada for the first time or just try Trump. I don't know. He reminds me like my mom likes to say that she is younger in in pubnico, which were a tiny little village in in Nova Scotia where our family's from then she is in the US because like her cousins that are about the same age as her like within a year or two. They remember being like the first time They had pizza. Wow. Like some of the foods only made it up there, like a decade later than they because my mom grew up in Boston, all of our relatives are in this teensy village. But yeah, remembering the first time you did certain things that were just kind of happening in normal people's lives like can you imagine being our age now and getting having your first bacon cheeseburger? Well, I can because I only had a Twinkie this year. You're not missing much. To be fair. A bacon cheeseburger. On the other hand, though, horrible for you. Tastes pretty fucking good. I also never had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich until I was 18 years old. Sometimes people just don't have you know, it's interesting how you grew up in different cultures and certain things are just yeah, I think Yeah, cuz you weren't. You always sort of speaking English when you were How old? I was five or six. And it was weird because I was stupid good at math, supposedly. And I remember I was great math. Tried communicating with my classmates. Yeah, that didn't work. So they put me with the trip. Kids. Oh, yeah. So I got to play board games and stare into each other's eyes and say the color of each other's eyes. I'm picturing you swearing at all these kids in Polish all day long. I'm picturing him being like, like just quietly with a smile on your face like cursing these kids straight to hell. And you're and the nuns just being like, oh, Alice is smiling. She's happy. The slow one is happy at least.
The worst part was actually so from kindergarten to eighth grade, I was in an elementary Catholic school, it was all one facility all one school. And they had the trailer kids who were the ones who need a little bit of extra help, but I was only put in there because they didn't really have any ESL program. And then there was the normal classes and then there was Kaleidoscope which was for your advanced students. When I was in the normal classes. I was frequently bored I was trying to get into Kaleidoscope but you need a teacher's recommendation, but every Every time I got one, the teacher would leave the school Oh, so what was nice and reaffirming was when I went into high school so this is a little too much information on me but I'll go for it so I went to a high school that did box and did phases so there was phase 234 and five so you could be you know more advanced in one subject and if you're you know need to learn at a slower pace at a different one that's fine. And I was faced five and everything so that just reaffirmed I'm the smartass I always thought I was Yeah, I have no doubt in your asked us intelligence. Alice ever Yeah, bear. Sometimes my assets too smart for its own good. I think you could sit on an ice cream cone and tell us the flavor that is an intelligent das. It feels like licorice. Oh, it's here. To hell I go anywho. So Overall consensus on this porn I think had some funny I like that. Our man who picked up Twinkie the original astronaut who picked a Twinkie was major Nelson I think believe it was rod Nelson. This was rod Dixon. So I you know, not a bad little they did you know, they did something that made it corny Not bad. Not bad. If you're looking for predominately Gonzo porn, if you like, you know, gay guys fucking This is for you. And you want a little bit of giggles between it but like, you know, we love our really plot heavy stuff. All I'm saying is we need to watch more gay porn so that we can find more gay porn. Like I like that we sit here and we kind of go through these alone but we have to get a gay porn connoisseur on the show and I feel that we are not. We are not the connoisseurs of this that we should be Oh clearly not not at this point. I feel we have neglected this genre severely, especially because there's so many good titles, just sitting there right for the pimping, I think Excuse me, but I was looking at this and I was like, do we do I dream or Twinkie or drill again? xilin Yeah, it was so hard no pun intended. We Yeah, let's see Julian's Island really soon and get it up there it's I think let's like sometime in the next like month it this we have a recording schedule kind of scheduled out a little bit now which is which is nice to see but at the same time it's like when do we record again? When do we sit down as you may have recorded thing but yeah, drill Wiggins Island if you if you are listener, have a gay porn that you want to serve you LS info to girls one Mike because we love these we just, this is just not our normal territory and we don't know what to hunt for. And if you are a gay man or gay woman who really enjoys gay porn, or just a straight person who just enjoys gay porn as well, because I've met a lot of women who are into gay porn. I mean, I enjoyed the fuckery that's all I'm saying. Email us, we would love to know more terms. We'd love to educate our audience seriously, that's why we have an email address. It's there for a reason. And just to remind you, not fear dick pics. Oh, yeah, yeah. Unless slow motion control. And music I want house music to that. I want to see a confetti cannon. If you can't actually fit it in your ass I wanted Photoshop to see an explosion of confetti glitter coming out your part to go okay, but not just a shot of your penis or your clitoris whichever I just just please please keep it funny event where can our listeners find your mouth clutter
s Oh, oh baby.
Y'all can find my mouth glitter is over at the cyber babe on Twitter and Instagram and firstname.lastname@example.org slash cyber babe for snark and science and occasional dick jokes, Alice, where can our listeners find your lovely face and your delightful snarky funny built the words? Well, they can find me at rational blonde on Twitter or you guys can also find us on patreon.com slash two girls one Mike, we thank you guys for listening this week. Share the word with all of your friends who listen to podcasts or don't or just
anything One who talks about porn or listens to it or watches it, I guess, tell all your friends who watch porn. So tell all your friends and we will see you guys next week. Bye bye bye
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