Trans and Caffeinated

Oh hey, there.
You’re pretty cute.
Haven’t seen you around here before…
Heh heh, come here often?

Oh, you work here?
So you’re here to stay?
Oh fuck yeah, they fired the other guy?
Honestly, I never liked him—yeah, what was his name…
Uhh… what was that? Oh, yeah, Penis, that’s right, Penis used to be there

Penis used to be there but now here you are all shiny and new and pretty and well…
You’re mine. I mean, you were always mine but four months ago I woke up from a surgery and they were like “you have a vagina!!!” and I was like “cool I’m on a lot of drugs and in a lot of pain!!”

And then four days later, when they removed the bandages, that resident assistant lady took one very intense look into your eyes… erm, eye… and said, “UGH! Rachel’s an artist!” and I looked down at you, and looked up at her and said “that’s art?!”

No, seriously, I said that. Or… I thought it really loudly? I don’t know, they still had me on that pain stuff, but you were categorically not cute back then. Art was a bit of a stretch.

But uh…. May I say. Now… now I see art.

I look at you and you’re a fucking masterpiece—my dazzling David chipped out of the metaphorical penile stone by my very own private Michaelangelo, AKA Rachel Bluebond-Langner at NYU Langone. And you’re mine. All mine, no one else’s. Nope, you’re mine.

No more staring at myself in undies in the mirror, dick yanked back between my buttcheeks and wishing my coochie would just sit nice and flat against my pelvis.

No more staring intensely at someone’s face as they take stock of my naked body for the first time, wondering what they’re thinking, wondering if they’re realizing they actually think my body is kind of gross and now they’re second guessing their impulsive decision to go home with that hot trans girl who absolutely wrecked them at pool in the back of Henrietta Hudson—not based on a real example… or several real examples.

Nope. None of that. Now, it’s just me and my pussy. My. Pussy.

I can’t wait for all the… climactic adventures we’re going to have together.

I’m very grateful that you are mine.

This episode mentions transphobia, discrimination, violence, genitals, sex, and surgery. It’s also… really funny, if I do say so myself.

This Very Special Episode of Trans and Caffeinated, I Went to NYU Langone and All I Got Was this Brand New Pussy, is brought to you in part by…

Otters, holding hands while they sleep… no wait, wrong episode.

Ah, yes, Anchor. Thanks Anchor. You’re a pal.

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