The New Old Testament

18 EpisodesProduced by Jack Geurts

The New Old Testament is a re-imagining of the Bible as told to you by the drunk guy at the party. A drunk guy who seriously knows his scripture, and who sounds like a robot because the writer can't voice-act for shit or afford a proper narrator.

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Genesis 34-35: Gendercide

June 22nd, 2018

What happens when Dinah ventures into the city of Shechem? Family politics get messy, an ethnic cleansing takes place, and someone turns into an ogre.

GENESIS 32-33: Bro-Down at High Noon II – Big Trouble in Little Gilead

June 14th, 2018

Latest episode of The New Old Testament

Genesis 30-31: Un-Sympathetic Magic

June 8th, 2018

What happens when Jake prepares to leave for home after twenty years abroad? A deal is sealed with blood, selective breeding is discussed at length, and Little Red Riding Hood gets a rewrite.

Genesis 29-30: Brother-In-Law, Sister-In-Bed

June 1st, 2018

What happens when Jake decides to marry the daughter of his mother's brother? A woman goes bald, the screaming mandrakes from Harry Potter 2 turn out to be an aphrodisiac, and, naturally, there is an incestuous …

Genesis 28: Stairway to 'Heaven'

May 25th, 2018

What happens when Jake leaves home to marry his cousin? A bloody wedding night, a party at God's house and a cannabis-fuelled, mind-shredding hallucination.

Genesis Special Episode: Ishmael, the Zombie Hunter

May 18th, 2018

What happens when Esau tracks down his uncle, seeking revenge against the brothers who betrayed them? A stand-up comedian bombs, Van Helsing gets back in the game and Esau is reunited with his skin.

Genesis 27: Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Skinless

May 17th, 2018

What happens when Isaac plans to give Esau his blessing? A paedophile is exposed, an unlikely ally is sought out and someone makes the very first skin suit.

Genesis 26: Whole Lotta Lot

May 17th, 2018

What happens when famine strikes Isaac and his family? A wife gets passed off as a sister (again), God tries to talk down a suicide jumper, and a former king gets drunk and tries to kill someone.

Genesis 24-25: Virgin Territory

May 17th, 2018

What happens when Abraham tries to find a wife for his son? A hungover getaway with a kidnapped bride, a zombie assault on a funeral and Quasimodo …

Genesis 22-23: Kill the Kid!

May 16th, 2018

What happens when God asks Abraham to sacrifice his only son? A cave burial, a brawl in a biker bar and a zombie plague is unleashed on the Middle East.

Genesis 20-21: Fat Abe the Philistine

May 12th, 2018

What happens when Abraham uses his wife as a bargaining chip...again? Devious plans are hatched, an old rival shows up to settle a score, and a …

Genesis 19: Burn 'Em All!

May 12th, 2018

What happens when God decides to nuke Sodom and Gomorrah? Angry mobs, incest and, of course, giant eagles.

Genesis 14-18: King of the Sodomites

May 11th, 2018

What happens when Lot abandons Abraham to go live in Sodom? Orgies, mass circumcisions and multiple bloodbaths.

Genesis 10-13: Abe Breaks Bad

May 11th, 2018

What happens when God tells Abraham he's going to be the father of a great nation? The world's first skyscraper gets abandoned, people start speaking in tongues and Walter White turns into Heisenberg.

Genesis 6-9: God Kills Everyone (Except Noah)

May 11th, 2018

What happens when horny angels come down to earth and create a race of giant angel-human hybrids? Nick Nolte imparts the secrets of life, Noah builds …

Genesis 5: Adam's F***ed Up Family Tree

May 11th, 2018

What happens when Adam and Eve populate the world through inbreeding? Pretty much what you’d expect – bestiality, cold-blooded murder and a lot of …

Genesis 4: Bro-Down At High Noon

May 11th, 2018

What happens when God chooses Abel's sacrifice over Cain's? Odds are, you're familiar with the story. Or are you? Take a look at an alternate Bible history where Cain does worse than just kill his brother, and God makes …

Genesis 1-3: Snake Party

May 11th, 2018

What happens when God has a few beers and decides to create the earth? At first, nothing. Everything's going pretty well. But when God decides to create people, that's when things start to unravel.
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