The New Old Testament

18 EpisodesProduced by Jack Geurts

The New Old Testament is a re-imagining of the Bible as told to you by the drunk guy at the party. A drunk guy who seriously knows his scripture, and who sounds like a robot because the writer can't voice-act for shit or afford a proper narrator.

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Genesis 34-35: Gendercide

June 22nd, 2018

39:46
What happens when Dinah ventures into the city of Shechem? Family politics get messy, an ethnic cleansing takes place, and someone turns into an ogre.

GENESIS 32-33: Bro-Down at High Noon II – Big Trouble in Little Gilead

June 14th, 2018

28:28
Latest episode of The New Old Testament

Genesis 30-31: Un-Sympathetic Magic

June 8th, 2018

28:20
What happens when Jake prepares to leave for home after twenty years abroad? A deal is sealed with blood, selective breeding is discussed at length, and Little Red Riding Hood gets a rewrite.

Genesis 29-30: Brother-In-Law, Sister-In-Bed

June 1st, 2018

34:46
What happens when Jake decides to marry the daughter of his mother's brother? A woman goes bald, the screaming mandrakes from Harry Potter 2 turn out to be an aphrodisiac, and, naturally, there is an incestuous …

Genesis 28: Stairway to 'Heaven'

May 25th, 2018

29:44
What happens when Jake leaves home to marry his cousin? A bloody wedding night, a party at God's house and a cannabis-fuelled, mind-shredding hallucination.

Genesis Special Episode: Ishmael, the Zombie Hunter

May 18th, 2018

32:31
What happens when Esau tracks down his uncle, seeking revenge against the brothers who betrayed them? A stand-up comedian bombs, Van Helsing gets back in the game and Esau is reunited with his skin.

Genesis 27: Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Skinless

May 17th, 2018

16:37
What happens when Isaac plans to give Esau his blessing? A paedophile is exposed, an unlikely ally is sought out and someone makes the very first skin suit.

Genesis 26: Whole Lotta Lot

May 17th, 2018

19:06
What happens when famine strikes Isaac and his family? A wife gets passed off as a sister (again), God tries to talk down a suicide jumper, and a former king gets drunk and tries to kill someone.

Genesis 24-25: Virgin Territory

May 17th, 2018

29:00
What happens when Abraham tries to find a wife for his son? A hungover getaway with a kidnapped bride, a zombie assault on a funeral and Quasimodo …

Genesis 22-23: Kill the Kid!

May 16th, 2018

23:10
What happens when God asks Abraham to sacrifice his only son? A cave burial, a brawl in a biker bar and a zombie plague is unleashed on the Middle East.

Genesis 20-21: Fat Abe the Philistine

May 12th, 2018

25:11
What happens when Abraham uses his wife as a bargaining chip...again? Devious plans are hatched, an old rival shows up to settle a score, and a …

Genesis 19: Burn 'Em All!

May 12th, 2018

24:48
What happens when God decides to nuke Sodom and Gomorrah? Angry mobs, incest and, of course, giant eagles.

Genesis 14-18: King of the Sodomites

May 11th, 2018

24:17
What happens when Lot abandons Abraham to go live in Sodom? Orgies, mass circumcisions and multiple bloodbaths.

Genesis 10-13: Abe Breaks Bad

May 11th, 2018

20:54
What happens when God tells Abraham he's going to be the father of a great nation? The world's first skyscraper gets abandoned, people start speaking in tongues and Walter White turns into Heisenberg.

Genesis 6-9: God Kills Everyone (Except Noah)

May 11th, 2018

28:51
What happens when horny angels come down to earth and create a race of giant angel-human hybrids? Nick Nolte imparts the secrets of life, Noah builds …

Genesis 5: Adam's F***ed Up Family Tree

May 11th, 2018

15:58
What happens when Adam and Eve populate the world through inbreeding? Pretty much what you’d expect – bestiality, cold-blooded murder and a lot of …

Genesis 4: Bro-Down At High Noon

May 11th, 2018

15:30
What happens when God chooses Abel's sacrifice over Cain's? Odds are, you're familiar with the story. Or are you? Take a look at an alternate Bible history where Cain does worse than just kill his brother, and God makes …

Genesis 1-3: Snake Party

May 11th, 2018

23:55
What happens when God has a few beers and decides to create the earth? At first, nothing. Everything's going pretty well. But when God decides to create people, that's when things start to unravel.
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