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Funny Messy Life

80 EpisodesProduced by Michael BlackstonWebsite

Stories about life, relationships, and culture delivered in a way that will help brighten your day or at least make you ask, "What is he smokin'?" But don't worry. It's all in good fun and it's family friendly. I'm Michael Blackston and these are tales from my blog - in audio form - all based on rea… read more

12:07

Twas The Night Before Dentist - 069

   You want to know what having ten teeth extracted at once will do for you? It will make you long for your happy place, that’s what it’ll do for you. I’ve made no secret that I’ve had some pretty major dental issues and I’ve been transparent about it. Why hide it? It’s part of who I am. And now, my dental issues have come to a head in a way that required drastic action. I had to get a denture plate for my top teeth. In the long run, it’ll be a good thing. As a matter of fact, I’m already reaping the benefits because I now have an attractive smile, but the hours leading up to E-day were stressful.

   What, exactly, is E-day? That’s what I’m going to tell you about. I’m Michael Blackston. Strap yourself in if teeth-related stuff bothers you, because that’s the town we’re going to visit from my Funny Messy Life.

_________________________

   E-day for me was August 16, 2021. The “E” stands for “extraction”, so Extraction Day! … not a day in your calendar where you would expect to plan a cookout, or exchange gifts, or sing happy songs about the joys of getting cavities. Oh the rot in your mouth is frightfuuuullllll!

   Oddly enough, I trust my dentist in the area of comfort to the point that I didn’t feel a ton of trepidation about it. Maybe I just pushed the thought to the back of my mind with other topics like paying overdue taxes and asking forgiveness for buying another microphone without running it by my wife. Whatever the reason, I didn’t think about it until it started getting closer to the day.

   For one thing, I had already had to reschedule it once. I had made a plan with another dentist. I was still going to get the teeth extracted, but instead of a denture plate, I was going to go for the more expensive snap-in implant prosthetic plate. I told myself I was too young to have dentures, and I have a friend who got the snap-ins and loves them. Being a performer, I was concerned that I might be in the middle of an awesome rendition of Music of the Night from Phantom of the Opera and my teeth would fly out of my mouth unexpectedly, poking Christine Daae in the eye, and sliding down her face cartoon-like in a trail of spit and Cheezit crumbs from the snack I’d had right before the show.

  Unfortunately for me, but fortunately for my wallet, when I went to the dentist the Friday before my first scheduled E-day to pay for everything early so I didn’t have to worry about that with a numb mouth dripping spit, and blood, and Cheezit crumbs from the snack I’d had just before the appointment, I found out that particular dental office was being run by drunk monkeys. They didn’t have anything together, so I told them to forget it. I’d go somewhere else.

   After talking to several people who wore regular dentures, and being assured of the quality of suction available nowadays, not to mention the expense if half that of the snap-ins, I became convinced that a regular denture plate was the way to go. So I made an appointment with a former dentist I trusted.

   I mention all of that to say that I was just ready to get it done, and that might have contributed to my peace before going in.

   As the days drew nigh, though, the reality of what I was about to have done began to hit me. Snap-ins or not, it didn’t matter. Either way, those teeth had to come out. 

  People asked me a lot of questions the closer I got to E-day ...

 

   They gon’ put you to sleep?

   No. They said they’d give me gas, but to put me to sleep would be more expensive and was something I’d have to have done elsewhere. It was too many steps.

   Won’t insurance cover that?

   I don’t know. I don’t have insurance because a self-employed man with dental insurance is rare. Dental insurance for a self-employed person requires $30,000 a month and selling your soul to Satan.

   So they ain’t gon’ put you to sleep for that?

   See my answer to the first time you asked me that. And by the way, this line of questioning isn’t making me feel any better about it.

   Can I have one of them Cheezits?

 

   As it turned out, I didn’t even get gas. They didn’t offer it, and by the time they got through sticking me eighty times in the gums with a needle, I was numb enough that I didn’t figure I needed it.

   As the days wound toward August 16th, I started to think more about it.

   On the Sunday before it, had I not been singing on the Praise Team at church, I would have knelt down at the front and bathed in a little of that sweet altar juju. I spent the rest of that Sunday afternoon getting the requisite well wishes and folks telling mew they’d be praying for me. One theatre friend told me to Break a leg!

   Then it was night. The sun went behind the horizon and things began to take on that eerie feeling. It’s like watching a scary movie at noon and thinking, there’s nothing to it, then trying to go to bed later that night and hearing every crack and shift of the old wood that holds up the house.

   I started to realize what having ten extractions actually meant. Having ten tooth extractions at once means that someone is about to extract ten teeth out of your face at once, but it’s more than that. They’re going to then send you home with a hundred pounds of gauze because that’s how much it’s going to take to soak up everything that tends to ooze from ten gum holes where teeth used to be.

   What’s wrong, honey?

   Kayla realized I was crying.

   I can’t do it. I can’t go through with it.

  Yes you can. It’ll be over before you know it and I’ll be there with you.

   It’s all gonna ooze … I don’t wanna ooze!

   Go to your happy place.

   That was a good idea. I should go to my happy place in my mind where I could at least fall asleep among the things that I love.

   And I did. I love Christmas. Christmas is my happy place. Disney World is also my happy place, but there are too many characters walking around there sporting big, perfect teeth. I didn’t want anything to send my mind back in that direction any sooner than necessary. So, I chose Christmas as I drifted off to sleep and dreamed ……

   Silver bells … manger scenes … lights, and laughter, and family, and …..

 

Twas The Night Before Dentist

 

Twas the night before dentist and all through my mouth

Not a tooth understood what my nerves were about

Preparations were made at the surgeon’s with care

And tomorrow, first light, I’d lay back in the chair

 

The children were wrestled and sent to their beds

While visions of toothless me rent through their heads

And mama with her phone out and me in a mask

Had just settled in before morning’s bleak task

 

When into my slumber, my mind took control

And sprang into fantastic story time mode

At once, I was partying, quite happy to go

To the dentist and loose my teeth, row after row

 

The celebrants danced and they played in the sun

As a farewell - a send off - to the unfortunate one

“It’s me!” I proclaimed with a face full of cake

Why this hullabaloo? It feels more like a wake

 

When what to my curious eyes should be brought

But a fistful of strings, their attachments aloft

“It’s your ride to the dentist!” said my Mother with cheer

Offering me the large present of helium gear

 

I took them suspiciously, and questioned as why

I should not go by car, but instead I should fly

“‘Cause BALLOONS!” She responded, then bounded away 

With agility not in her wheel house today

 

She left me there standing with strings in my hand

And bright rubber orbs floating high o’er the land

The party continued as I took my flight

Hovering just a few feet, for my weight is not light

 

As I drifted off townward, they waved their goodbyes

And I set my eyes downward for my journey was nigh

First I sailed out of course and got stuck in a tree

While the guests from my party stood pointing at me

 

Away to adventure, I corrected my course

For awaiting were dentures and a pie hole of sores

Now needle, now mouthwash, now suction, now spit

On face mask for gas, so I’ll not give one … care

 

Through the town toward my destiny as onward I flew

When suddenly a carnival appeared out of the blue

Now the tree I’d encountered had popped some balloons 

So my flight was more labored than first I’d assumed

 

Yet alas, what came bumbling amid all the sass

Of the carnival atmosphere now come to pass

But a filthy, drunk clown, stumbling toward me and he

Held a crop of balloons, which then filled me with glee

 

“I say, my good clown, might I buy them from you

At a dollar apiece?” But he said, “That won’t do.

You may not! They are mine!”, quoth the clown with a heave

And my dream jumped ahead once he’d taken his leave

 

What to do? What to do? I shall linger all day

And be late to the dentist. “Oh, I hate clowns!”, I say

But just as this freak show appeared from nowhere

In an instant it disappeared into thin air

 

What was left was the sound of a siren ablast

But no sign of confusion my mind had amassed

It was time to wake up, and the sound? My alarm

For the hour had come to, in truth, face the storm

 

I was oddly at peace as my wife drove me there

With no hint of balloons, or drunk clowns, or the fair

So I now have no teeth at the top of my mouth

Only sore, bloody holes and some pain meds to tout

 

And oh yes, there’s the denture I’m getting used to

You can probably tell by the "esh" shounds I do

But you’ll hear me exclaim, ere I end this tonight

There just isn’t much pain, and I’m speaking alright

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