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Funny Messy Life

80 EpisodesProduced by Michael BlackstonWebsite

Stories about life, relationships, and culture delivered in a way that will help brighten your day or at least make you ask, "What is he smokin'?" But don't worry. It's all in good fun and it's family friendly. I'm Michael Blackston and these are tales from my blog - in audio form - all based on rea… read more

10:29

The World Of Wally - 055

   Human kind is a veritable cornucopia of diverse personalities. To observe the Homo Sapien in its natural habitat, is to be immersed into an environment unlike any other, where subculture, after subculture, is represented with pride, and more often than not, stupidity. There is no better environment to witness the state of the human condition than a Walmart, and today the natives are restless.

   I’m Michael Attenborough, and this is a special presentation from Atomic Red Studios of Funny Messy Life.

   This is The World of Wally - A Mockumentary

_________________________

 

   As we arrive into the parking lot of a local Walmart, we are met immediately with what seems to be a representation of every kind of human, many of them beaming from ear to ear, as they carry large purchases back along the trails toward home. There are televisions and hoverboards, and video gaming systems, and more televisions. I approach one of the humans cautiously. It appears to be a male, and he’s stepping proudly as he pushes a trolley overflowing with boxes of alcoholic beverages, and a miniature refrigerator.

   “Pardon me, but might I ask the meaning of such a purchase on a Monday afternoon?”

   “BEER COOLER! AND BEER FER M’NEW BEER COOLER!”

   “I see. And why today?”

   “Guv’ment sent me a check fer me an all six of m’younguns. Tomorrow, I’ma buy my old lady them fancy curlers she’s been nagging me about.”

   As we set our course toward the entryway of the store, it occurs to me that due to the arrival of stimulus checks, the American human is mimicking holiday behavior, acting out fiscally, in a way that is normally seen in November, the day after Thanksgiving. However, it is well documented that upon the occupancy of any sudden windfall, the human person is known to exhibit this sort of behavior, regardless of the season. Now that the tax season is upon us, coupled with the influx of checks that bear stimuli, I suspect that we may encounter more of the same, once inside.

   The door opens automatically and as we enter, I remark that there is a large sign overhead, declaring that this avenue is the correct one for entry. Curiously, there is a human to my right, completely ignoring the sign above a second set of doors that clearly reads, Exit Only - Do Not Enter. Still, the doors open, and the human is allowed in without obstruction. What a delightfully carefree and rebellious species!

   To my left, just inside is a desk with humans both in front, and behind. The specimen behind the desk appears bored, or rather irritable, as they attend to another, more provoked human. Let’s listen in.

   “I’m sorry. I asked the manager already. Your signature has to match the name on the check.”

   “It’s in my old man’s name!”

   “Then he’ll have to be the one to sign and cash it.”

   “I want one of them beer coolers before they git gone. And some beer for my beer cooler!”

   “I’m sorry.”

   “Hold one fer me ‘til I git back.”

   “We’re not allowed do that.”

   “BEER COOLER!”

   I think it best we leave the area before violence erupts, and so we journey further into the jungle of departments, and try to observe a different subculture of humanity.

  Ah! The area known as The Market. Here we shall discover our humans in preparation for mealtime, foraging for the nourishment they will take home to their dens to feed the tribe.

   Here is a rather large male, scouring with his eyes, an assortment of confections in boxes marked with the image of one of their idols. The idol’s name is Debbie. She is found to be diminutive in stature, but gigantic in flavor, and one of the male’s cubs has taken a particular liking to one of the boxes.

   “Git me some Star Crunch, deddeh! I want me sum’nim Star Crunch.”

   “Them thangs’ll ruin yer dinner! Ya mama’s fixin’ tater chips later.”

   “Can I have’em fer dessert, deddeh? I won’t eat them Star Crunches till after my tater chips. I promise, Deddeh!

   “We still got Devil Sqars from last week. Boy, git-chyer hands offa them Star Crunches ‘fer I take hick’ry to yeh!”

   More activity diverts our attention behind us where two carnivores are engaged in an astounding display, attempting to decide which of them should walk victoriously away with the last rotisserie chicken. The two stand facing one another, each displaying her own plumage. The closest to us is tall and thin, and flaunts an enormous blue hat with one large feather rising in astonishing glory to the sky. The other, a rounder specimen, pokes her chest forward in an attempt to intimidate the other with the words written on her sleeveless t-shirt that read, If It Ain’t Duke’s, It Ain’t Real Mayonnaise.

   Their hands linger a breath away from the chicken now. Which one will make the grab, leaving the other without the protein she so badly desired?

   We wait. The tension is palpable. There’s movement to the left and the day is saved. Both of them shall have their meal, as a deli worker has brought over a trolley full of fresh chickens. Unfortunately, only one of them is flavored with lemon pepper, and both desire it. Once more, the eyes narrow and the hands hold position to strike.

   Moving on, we travel to our final area. The land here is vast, and it would be impossible to observe every segment of the topography.

   We’ve made our way now to the land of hardware. Two older humans - one male, one female - have perched in front of a display of floor tiles. They, too, are not agreeable.

   “I don’t like none of these. I told ya I like the linoleum. This ain’t as easy to clean as the linoleum.”

   “These is easier fer me to lay. I can’t lay a sheet of linoleum like I used-to-could. It’s ter’ble on m’knees.”

   “You got to git on your knees to lay floor tiles. What’s the dif’fernce?”

   “Ain’t the same. I like these because ya can peel the back off and it’s sticky. Ya just stick it down. Peel and stick. Peel and stick.”

   “You’re just bein’ contrary to git me all riled up!”

   “You’re just bein’ contrary ‘cause ya can’t stand change! I say stick ‘em. Stick! Stick!”

   “Vinyl!”

   “Sticky!”

   “Vinyl!”

   “Sticky!”

   The natives are quite restless. We’ve come to the end of our journey among the Homo Sapiens that frequent the World of Wally. Their behavior is extraordinary, and at times, disturbing.

   Join me next time as we explore more culture. We’ll be hiking through a desert of humanity as they navigate the exhilarating experience of the Department of Motor Vehicles. Tempers will be high, patience, will be short, lines will be long, and the clerks will be slow. I’m Michael Attenborough. Thank you for your company as we made our way through the World of Wally. Until next time. Goodbye.

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