back arrowEverybody Hates Rand: A Wheel of Time Podcast

Episode 44: BAR-thanes

48:03

Episode description

Discussion topics this week include My Mind Fire: The Band, Fantasy Hair Cuts, Knife Boy and Lava Girl, The REAL Kingkiller, and Chumbawamba-phobia.

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Episode 82: Elayne? Total Wifey

September 16th, 2019

49:11

Thanks to Lanfear's reappearance, our coverage of chapters 9 and 10 takes us back to EHR sex ed. Welcome! We talk about Wandering Wombs, Super Sperm, Chastity and Chivalry, plus Detective Lan and The Dark One's Rubric.

Episode 81: Jermathan Steelrod

September 9th, 2019

46:33

Welcome to EHR After Dark ... and get ready for the Bad Porn Energy that is explored at LENGTH in chapters 7 and 8. We're Hetrified by Elayne's "Eye" …

Episode 80: Jugs and Meat

September 2nd, 2019

46:08

What do Nihilist D&D Characters, Responsible Horniness, The Road Less Traveled, and Lan's Rorschach Test of Silk all have in common? Absolutely …

Episode 79: Post-Apocalyptic Knitwear

August 26th, 2019

52:22

This episode has everything: serious questions, like, is Sir Ian McKellen whimsical? Less serious questions, like, is Perrin's nose a mood ring? There's literary analysis on the relative physicality of characters. Also: …

Episode 78: Emily Forgets the Word "Video"

August 19th, 2019

52:20

In this long episode (sorry), we're getting back to our roots! Sally has literary theory like intrusive fantasy and pathetic fallacy to discuss! …

Episode 77: This is Sad Bornhald

August 12th, 2019

45:23

Welcome to chapter one of The Shadow Rising! We're inventing Lesbian Chess, giving you an EHR make-up tutorial, and making sure you know Gawyn has a journal, NOT a diary. Remember: Don't do war crimes!

 

This week's …

Episode 76: Is He Snek?

August 5th, 2019

47:33

At some point in this episode, you'll hear a BEEP, and that is Emily derailing the podcast to eat her pizza. You'll also hear our Alt Shadow Rising Titles, our great Baz Luhrmann Circus Idea, and the return of Sally …

EHR Extra: Teen Narc

July 29th, 2019

55:22

As we prep for The Shadow Rising, you asked for advice and we ... have it? We tell to Dominate the World with Alexander the Great's Methods, Wear a Plague Doctor Mask to Work, Get Yourself a Shark Wife, and Gaslight …

Episode 75: H.A.G.S.

July 15th, 2019

59:30

In our extra-long season finale, we're talking about the rotating Two Rivers Brain Cells, Egwene's Smack-O, Ishamael's Flair for the Dramatic, and the Perfect Opportunity for a Freeze Frame. KABOOM.

Episode 74: Lavril Avigne

July 8th, 2019

44:46

We've finally found a villain for our fantasy heist crew! Not to mention all our VERY on-topic lines of discussion, like Faile's Insta, the Adopted Hedgehog, Fantasy Urgent Care, and All the Drug Dealers We Know. 

Episode 73: Patagonia Jerkin

July 1st, 2019

48:05

It's a rambly episode as we discuss ideal casting for the WoT TV series (Ocean's Forsaken, people! The Keanussaince!), Emo Innkeepers, Clockin' Ott, and Balefire Cheat Code. Plus our general confusion over jerkins vs. …

Episode 72: Bee Hugs

June 24th, 2019

48:55

Hey, most of EHR is NSFW but this episode is particularly and horrifically NSFW in the first two minutes. We're talking about our Banned Phrases, Top …

Episode 71: Why Boom Small?

June 17th, 2019

50:13

This week we're back in Caemlyn, which means we're seeing some familiar faces! Join us as we talk about Basel Gill's Cat Cafe, Rand's Murder Gap Year, Tallanvor the Killjoy, and the triumphant Return of xBrian.

Episode 70: The Stink Quarter

June 10th, 2019

42:09

We're back, and we've got some pretty challenging ideas to discuss. Like Faile and Perrin's Straight Pride. Oh, and there's Bringing an Axe to Applebee's, Empathy Boners, and hey . . . where IS Germany?  

Episode 69: Throat Latch

June 3rd, 2019

46:01

Sixty-NINE! In honor of the sex number, we're ranking Shrek movies (obviously), Googling horse anatomy, making fun of Lan's Chastity Ring, and …

Episode 68: Brad Pitt Didn't Die For This

May 27th, 2019

45:38

It's a very educational episode! We talk about King Charles' Glass Butt, Mirror Espionage, and, as always, end up at EHR Sex Ed. We also improve the Iliad by making Everyone Orlando Bloom.

Episode 67: Feline Rear Window

May 20th, 2019

45:58

We get into some challenging lines of discussion in this one, including Tall Babies, the Choice to Be a Walking Sex Dream (it's a pun), and Paul …

Episode 66: Pervert of a Took

May 13th, 2019

45:22

We're one digit away from 666, but this is still a cursed episode, re: the image of Gandalf in a sexy robe. Also, we pay homage to Danny DeVito, try to remember the stroke acronym F.A.S.T., and witness the Return of …

Episode 65: Fresca Heart

May 6th, 2019

55:14

Put on your slutty pop music sequence and get ready for a vocab lesson! While Mat goes on a gambling binge through the Fantasy Vatican, we talk about his Odysseus tendencies, his impossible horizon of expectations, and …

Episode 64: Watch What Happens Live with Mat Cauthon

April 29th, 2019

42:09

Hello! It's our very first episode recorded with Adobe Audition! We're using it to talk about Sally's Hand Limbo, Mat's Warfare-Riddled Brain, the …

Episode 63: Smash Egg?

April 22nd, 2019

46:23

Discussion topics this week include Feet Al'Thor, the Useless Murder List, Equal Opportunity Perverts, and the ultimate question: what in the hell is …

Episode 62: One and a Half Idiots

April 15th, 2019

47:02

In which Emily struggles to think of a single attractive man (spoiler: it's Thor), Sally promotes her mom's podcast, and we vow to never use the word "randy" again, especially if it's adjacent to Rand Al'Thor.

Episode 61 Q&A: The Adventures of Fish-Pig

April 8th, 2019

44:30

Thanks for the great questions, folks! In this Q&A we spoil Game of Thrones' first season, give you the music recommendations list of the …

Episode 60: Schrodinger's Dark One

April 1st, 2019

45:00

Guess who DEFINITELY remembered our own theme song? And guess who spent forty-five minutes talking about Magic Hazing, Lumberjack Energy, the Annual Hatred of Women Quota, and Emily's Best Retweet (You'll Know)? US.

Episode 59: Fast & Furious Go Juice

March 25th, 2019

44:29

A moment of silence because this series is FINALLY BEGINNING. This week we're talking about the Texas Literacy Test, Dungeon Aesthetics, Dildo Wands, …

Episode 58: Butterfingers

March 18th, 2019

46:23

This week's conversation topics include: Alexa For Emily's Grandparents, the TV Show "Monk" (But Make It Gay), Dream Therapy, Hotness Total, and Galad Damodred Has Never Had A Real Job In His Life.

Episode 57: Butt Owie

March 11th, 2019

41:18

While we talk about Siuan's Big Bad Mistake, we somehow end up in 16th century France. Other topics include: Hurr Durr Sexy Knife Boy, CrossFit Couple, Charlemagne's Acid Trip, and Magic Hall Passes. 

Episode 56: Like a Dip

March 4th, 2019

45:35

We get real deep in this one. Join us as we talk about Dumpster Fires, Robert Jordan's Romantic Attraction to Lan, Trigger-Happy Women, and Artur Hawkwing's Carrier Pigeon: Valiant.

Episode 55: Jeremy the Whitecloak

February 25th, 2019

44:04

The heist just keeps getting bigger. This week we're talking about Perrinland, Jar Jar Banksy, the Pied Piper of Weddings, the EGOT of Arson, and Two and a Half Larries. It's crazy, y'all.

Episode 54: Asmodean, Play Despacito

February 18th, 2019

43:29

In this episode we discuss alternate titles for the Dragon Reborn, Rand pulls a Gone Girl, Perrin goes Elizabethan, and Masema drinks the kool-aid. …

Episode 53: Gaul Eats a Lizard

February 11th, 2019

46:50

Gaul might not even be a character in the series yet, but he's present in OUR HEARTS. We're also talking about Whaleworld, Henry the Ain't, Perrin's …

Episode 52: Doctor Opera Closet

February 4th, 2019

46:58

We're kicking off season three in style -- unlike the characters on the cover of The Dragon Reborn. We're talking about the Gawyn Redaction Contract, …

EHR Extra: The Height Over Horniness Chart

January 28th, 2019

42:59

We might be between seasons, but we're still horny for Gaul! This week we're looking at our brand-new Wheel of Time Companion (thanks, Mitchell!) to …

Episode 51: The Kazoo of Valere

January 21st, 2019

49:36

The Great Hunt is finally over! In our season finale we talk about Rand's Poor Time Management, Tall Soldiers (Our Weakness), Stabbing Erogenous …

Episode 50: The Grave is No Bar to My Yeet

January 14th, 2019

46:47

Episode 50, what the heck?! We've been doing this a whole YEAR? We celebrate by talking about Meta Prophecy, Egwene's Evil Twin, Knife Boy, and …

Episode 49: Socks with Sandals

January 7th, 2019

46:18

Welcome to the first episode of 2019! It's pretty much a disaster. We talk about Casting Valan Luca, Frat Boy Criteria, The Power and Non-Power of Words, and the Problem with Adrenaline-Based Magic. Also: there's a lot …

Episode 48: Everybody Hates Dillon

December 31st, 2018

41:33

We're coming at you DEAD from our couch! Join us in our post-holidays depression as we mispronounce damane and also "palanquin," talk about soft …

Episode 47: A Very Merry Supernatural Christmas

December 24th, 2018

1:11:10

Happy holidays, from our family to yours! Here's an extra-special, extra-long episode where we take a break from WoT with guest Brie Olds. Instead of …

Episode 46: As the Raven Crows

December 17th, 2018

44:56

This is it. Our horniest episode. We make some important decisions and inappropriate rankings. Also: Alternate titles for The Great Hunt, Universal Truths, Les-beans, and How to Lose a Guy in the Ways.

Episode 45: Multi-Universe Hairdryer

December 10th, 2018

46:17

Hey, guys, we read like a million chapters this week. Seriously, so many. Aren't you proud of us? We talked about a Jimmy Buffett Monastery, hit TV show Shienar's Got Talent, and a Glitch in the Portal Stone. 

Episode 43: Deus Ex Ingtar

November 26th, 2018

39:06

In which we struggle to pronounce Barthanes' name, long for the Betsy Ross/Ross Betsy timeline that never was, and make way too many comparisons to Supernatural. 

Episode 42: Urien on Sand

November 19th, 2018

46:45

Hey, we got mics! We get a little sappy thanking you for your support, but we're just so excited! Please forgive all audio issues -- Emily is …

Episode 41: xoxo Gossip Girl

November 12th, 2018

46:28

This episode sparked a lot of ideas for the Wheel of Time TV adaptation, including casting Thom Merrilin as Taika Watiti, Rhuarc looking into the camera like he's in the Office, and a really great flashback to that time …

Episode 40: Very Tight Trope Breeches

November 5th, 2018

45:05

This episode was over an hour long until Emily edited out twenty minutes of us arguing over which characters Galad could have sexual tension with. …

Episode 39: Double-Sided Sword

October 29th, 2018

48:57

Sorry for the long episode, but we just couldn't help talking about the sex and power dynamics of the Warder bond for 25 minutes. We also complained …

Episode 38: An Entire Ham

October 22nd, 2018

46:00

The chapters we read this week were full of Lord of the Rings references, so you KNOW we had a long talk about Magic Artifacts of Doom and Aragorn's …

Episode 37: Moon Blood

October 15th, 2018

47:25

There's a lot of chaotic sexual energy in this episode, and for that at least one of us apologizes. We talk about the Sex Shirt, Daenerys and her …

Episode 36: Trope Maze

October 8th, 2018

49:11

This episode we're talking about the dreaded literary embodiment of hentai herself, Lanfear. We explain in detail why we hate her, but we also have some non-hentai conversations about Magic Trees, the Talent Cycle, and …

Episdoe 35: Protect Your Mind Vault

October 2nd, 2018

40:36

Hey, this week we're going to alternate dimensions and talking to wolves! We're also spending a great deal of time questioning whether Rand is really …

Episode 34: Vanilla in the Streets

September 24th, 2018

41:43

All you really need to know headed into this episode is that we really, really, REALLY don't like the term "deflowered."

Episode 33: Smell Like Bullets

September 17th, 2018

47:39

It's a tired and giggly episode of EHR! We're talking about how Lan gives terrible advice, how Hurin should be spending time on his post-grad, and …

Episode 32: Cool It Down, Couladin

September 10th, 2018

47:03

This week we're talking about a very important chapter: the one where the Chosen One finds out he's been Chosen. For once, we feel very bad for Rand. …

Episode 31: My Goblin Jesus

September 3rd, 2018

45:20

This episode, in which we primarily discuss dark prophecies, question Padan Fain's reasoning, and collectively gag over The Great Hunt's weird …

Episode 30: Bodcast: Ninety Push-Ups

August 27th, 2018

42:23

In which Rand would totally be a Soul Cycle cult leader, Elaida is Donald Trump, Moiraine's ego is an unstoppable force, Robert Jordan uses …

Episode 29: Jerkins DON'T Have Sleeves!

August 20th, 2018

50:00

We're joined by professional costumer and Yu-Gi-Oh! enthusiast Sarah McClintock to talk about clothes, fantasy, and denim on denim. She helps answer questions like: Why is Robert Jordan obsessed with butts and breeches? …

Episode 28: Janet McBible

August 13th, 2018

49:25

Please excuse the background hum of AC in this week's episode -- it's 95 degrees in Utah! And a balmy 70 in Fal Dara when the Amyrlin Seat arrives. We talk about Tigger: Rap God, Alien v. Sexual Predator, a Flannel of …

Episode 27: Wagonpool to Satan

August 9th, 2018

46:34

Hey, hey, we're kicking off season two -- and The Great Hunt -- with a ten-minute intro about our homelessness and other misfortunes. Then we talk …

EHR Extra: The Sagittarius-est To Ever Sagittarii

July 30th, 2018

48:49

With Sally out of town, this week Emily is joined by guest co-host Cambria Hobbs, our Wheel of Time progenitor and resident astrology expert. We …

Q&A Episode: Wot?!

July 23rd, 2018

57:52

You have questions, and we have answers, on every topic imaginable, from Emily's less-than-stellar academic career to books as murder weapons to Jude Law's true place in the Wheel of Time-verse. Thanks for the …

Episode 26: BIG BATTLE LADY

July 9th, 2018

1:01:35

Hey there, welcome to our season finale! It's longer and crazier than usual as we wrap up the Eye of the World - discussion topics include Chop-Chop Guy, the Frequency of Cliffs, everyone's Signature Drinks, and …

Episode 25: Jude Law

July 2nd, 2018

55:54

This is not actually episode 24 as Sally claims it is, but episode 25 where we discuss such important things as the curse of Laura Ingalls Wilder, Just Pure Magic™, what it means to DTR in the Mad Max desert, and Wheel …

Episode 24: Perrin ... Took a Different Class

June 25th, 2018

51:33

Like Lan's entire country of origin, the entire twenty-minute intro of this episode was deleted. It's fine. This episode is weird enough without it. We talk about Chumbawamb​a: Portal Guardians, our gay uncle Agelmar, …

Episode 23: Magic Space Hell

June 18th, 2018

47:09

​In this episode we talk about our heroes' journey through the Ways, but more importantly, we also discuss Mentor Resumes, Edgelord Loial, the Best Shark Attack, Village Idiots, the Shared Kirby Air Ride Consciousness, …

Episode 22: Hand al'Thor

June 11th, 2018

50:59

​This episode got a little out of . . . hand. Ha ha! Just a little hand joke for you, about ten books too early for puns like these. But seriously, …

Episode 21: xBrian

June 4th, 2018

52:49

​This is the episode where we Fix Wheel of Time. Of course Rand is in a coma, Mat is illiterate, and everything is gayer, but we also devote about four hundred percent more screen time to the most underrated character …

Episode 20: That is NOT Dope

May 28th, 2018

47:39

We've now recorded twenty episodes of this podcast, which is crazy. Fittingly, we meet about twenty more main characters in this section, most of whom we hate. At least Galad is there!​

Episode 19: Where Did the Water Go?

May 21st, 2018

51:54

We spent the last ten minutes of this episode Googling that whole Luc/Isam thing that Robert Jordan never really explained. Other discussion topics …

Episode 18: From the Chin Down

May 14th, 2018

47:39

The boys are off the road and straight into Basel Gill's downtown hotel for wayward and semi-demonically-possessed teens. We talk about arbitrary …

Episode 17: It's Better Than Nothing

May 7th, 2018

54:02

WELCOME TO SAD KITCHEN. WE'RE ALL SAD HERE.

Episode 16: What Are They, Mormons?

April 30th, 2018

53:26

​We're on the HIIIIGHWAAAY TO HELL. Or Caemlyn, or whatever. This week we're joining Rand and Mat as they spread the gleeman's gospel with a bunch of farmers and inn patrons. There's cow whispering. There's deus ex …

Episode 15: Sit On Your Laurels

April 23rd, 2018

51:52

We're finally wrapping up Perrin's points of view, which means we get to ditch the Whitecloaks! At least until book two. Discussion topics include Nynaeve seducing Lan via woodcraft, That's How We Do on Game of …

Episode 14: The Butt Flag

April 16th, 2018

54:33

Sorry for the long episode, folks. We just got so caught up in our discussion of steddings, statues, Sting, and Galad's tight, tight bod. Downright …

Episode 13: He's Doing Bird Math

April 9th, 2018

49:42

We were both sick when we recorded this, so please excuse any coughs, sneezes, or tears that slipped through the editing process. Fittingly, we spent most of this episode talking about mercy-killing. Please, Perrin. …

Episode 12: Tro-la-la-la-locs

April 2nd, 2018

23:21

We took a week off from our usual recording schedule, but never fear: we've still got that sweet, sweet WoT content for you. Sally listens to and …

Episode 11: Alternately, a Real Bear

March 26th, 2018

50:03

We're hanging out with the Tinkers this week, and you know what that means: a LONG conversation about sexy dancing. We also wonder about the significance of music in Wheel of Time, weigh in on the passive-aggressive …

Episode 10: Petco Clickers Them Into Submission

March 19th, 2018

52:15

We're baaaaack! To Perrin and Egwene, that is. Elyas, a wolf-telepathic wild man they just met, has agreed to guide them to Caemlyn, which isn't …

Episode 9: The Philosopher's Stone? It's Emotional Damage

March 12th, 2018

57:27

In our second installment of the "Thom and His Backup Dancers: Rand and Mat" saga, we reach Whitebridge! We talk about ancient architecture, the Illian Timeline, and Thom passing on his Bard-en. Oh, and that dream …

Episode 8: Ta'veren, Whatever

March 5th, 2018

52:21

In this episode we take a minute (or ten) to explain why we hate Rand - though we're also willing to admit he has some good qualities, particularly …

Episode 7: Do They, Like, Motorize?

February 26th, 2018

58:08

We talk more about memes, kinks, and sex toys than we ever will again in this podcast. Hopefully. If you don't think memes, kinks, and sex toys are …

Episode 6: Perrin Can Go To The Wolves, LITERALLY

February 20th, 2018

1:02:31

Hey, are you enjoying the dynamics of this here fantasy fellowship? TOO BAD. They're breaking up, just like every boy band ever, and who knows when we'll get the reunion tour? (We do. It'll be in twenty chapters. …

Episode 5: Give Me More Sentient Fog

February 12th, 2018

50:21

​Have you ever visited a cursed city? The world is full of 'em, and so is Wheel of Time. They're pretty interesting, and very dangerous, especially …

Episode 4: A Family Can Be Your Ex-Babysitter

February 5th, 2018

1:15:58

In Episode 4 we talk about our country bumpkins' first time in a city -- well, a "city." There's a lot to learn in Baerlon, about inns, innkeepers, conquering dream logic, and ~The Future.~ Plus, everyone's favorite …

Episode 3: Don't Do It In the Murky Pond Water

January 30th, 2018

1:09:44

After a lengthy discussion about "Hatchet" by Gary Paulsen and how it traumatized us, we talk about our heroes' road trip to Baerlon, English long …

Episode 2: Moonwalk Into Hell

January 23rd, 2018

1:19:52

Fantasy Christmas! The perfect occasion for midnight Orc attacks. Wait, we mean Trollocs. Other topics of discussion in this episode include: …

Episode 1: I Think There's a Tapestry Involved?

January 23rd, 2018

51:48

Just two hyper-critical English majors talking some pretty big game about The Wheel of Time. We make jokes, ignore the pronunciation guide, make jokes ABOUT the pronunciation guide, and generally hate Rand. Welcome.

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