Designated Parent

A critique of colonialism... ya know, for kids.

The second installment in the DaVinci Code for Americans sees Nicolas Cage moving on to international incidents, not just federal crimes.

Sure, it's not really a kids movie, but there's no way anyone expected adults to take this seriously.

A movie that covers 7,000 years of history in just under half the time.

A kids movie with profound theological implications.

Simply the best movie where Nick Nolte, as a gorilla, sings along to the Apple Bottom Jeans song. Undeniably.

Ryan Reynolds. That's the movie. That's the whole movie.

Nicolas Cage plays Nicolas Cage in this movie that has, easily, the worst pun we've ever heard as a major plot point.

Is the red panda a metaphor?

In a rare departure from our usual, we watched the sequel after the original and in consecutive weeks.

Remember when Steve Martin didn't just do family films? I feel like he remembers, and wishes he could use his grown up words in this movie.

I know it's really fun to dog on movies but, really, this one's fantastic.

The story of a bear in London and not the story of why no one thinks that's odd.

Ever wonder what it would look like if Jackie Chan produced Aladdin? Well, turns out it's actually pretty good.

Please, fans of the book, don't come at us. This movie only has a passing resemblance to the source material which was, of course, Harry Potter. Anything else is purely coincidental.

I wonder if Neil Diamond will try to pull his music from this movie due to its use of Joe Rogan? I mean, we could only hope someone realizes they …

Lin Manuel Miranda produces his biggest hit since Silent E is a Ninja.

We love kung fuuuuuu!

Actually, this isn't that bad of a movie. Pretty watchable, even. Because Jack Black, probably.

British children are always creepy. Prove me wrong.

A story of a boy, his robot, and the multibillion dollar tech industry that brought them together and then tries to pull them apart.

The story of a bear who knows nothing about Christmas and learns probably all the wrong lessons.

They did it! They made a movie about the song you've heard a million times. Only it's not about the song, or anything in reality, either. And it makes little to no sense most of the time. But they did it!

This is simply the best version of A Christmas Carol ever put to film and also probably the best Muppet movie, as well.

Updating Christmas Story for Millennials goes about exactly as expected.

When a sequel has none of the same cast from the original and has Larry the Cable Guy as a star, you're not off to a good start. Oh, and it's produced by the same guys that tried the XFL... twice.

We're 6 movies in and, if anything, they're speeding up. Also, the second consecutive Christmas movie with a guest appearance by Chris Parnell.

Baby's first Arnie!

Another family comedy from Steve Martin. Another show based on a vintage cartoon. But, somehow, it kind of works.

The tale as old as time, but still problematic. 

Will Farrell brings his idiot man child routine to actual children and... it works.

Gonzo must spend a night in the famous Haunted Mansion. Still way better than Eddy Murphy.

Finally doing the first movie in the series that started this podcast.

A story of coming of age in Scotland. With bears.

Still The Rock. Still the Jungle. But now with deserts and mountains, too.

The Rock stars as a sweaty, large man who snarks his way through a perilous jungle adventure.

The Rock stars as a sweaty, large man who snarks his way through a perilous jungle adventure.

The prequil to one of two possible movies that really didn't need a prequil. But, here we are. Enjoy your money, Disney.

Remember, Lisa is always right.

But, also, time travel is weird, ya'll.

The movie that lives inside another movie. It all makes sense, somehow. Or maybe not. It's kind of a mess, really.

The bar was not high, but this movie managed to just squeak under it.

Adam misidentifies a few guitars and also generally proves he doesn't know what he's talking about. But Back to the Future!

Jenifer Gardner is a woman who can only say yes for a day and it's a kids movie, so... no.

After so many different versions of Batman over the years, how did it take so long to get one this perfect? And who'd have thought it would be Will …

The movie that doesn't star Brendan Frasier but should. Rated PG for tobacco use, but not all the MURDER.

The story behind that really popular hair cut for little girls aged 6-15.

An hour and a half live action episode of Dora the Explorer? Who could possibly say no? Well, you can. And we could, but we had a podcast episode to …

It's new! New content! It's a blessing from the Pixar lords! It's also possibly a metaphor very apropos for the month.

A story about what happens when an incompetent godmother in training attempts to solve a family's problems in the real world. At Christmas. And, oh …

Video games make great movies, right? Right?

A 90's touchstone movie that includes who would turn out to be the least problematic of Charlie Sheen's kids.

The Muppet movie Lisa's never seen! It's just as weird as the rest, but this time they're trying to sell a Broadway show.

It's the movie no one asked for based on the game show everyone loved. Or was aware of. If they're not too young.

It's the update to the Great Muppet Caper we never knew we needed.

In this telling of the Pan origin story... we don't actually get to the part we recognize. But there are characters that we've heard of, so that's …

The 392nd retelling of the Arthur legend. This time, with kids. For the 134th time.

It's always Carnivale in Rio! I mean, literally, I can't think of any movies that feature Rio where it isn't Carnivale.

Living proof you can act your way out of a wet paper bag.

A mediocre movie is saved by the sheer will of the actors involved.

Welcome to the Space Jam. A movie that needs no introduction. Or plot. Or acting skills. But did need Bill Murray.

Also, for more information …

Like when your friend asks to see your paper and you tell him to make sure he changes a few things before he turns it in but the teacher somehow still knows he copied. Just like that, but your friend is this movie and …

Storks delivering mutant babies to rich, trendy families. Or maybe something about how chasing financial productivity in every aspect of our lives has had a negative effect on the perception of motherhood. Or maybe it's …

One of Disney's biggest animated flops somehow manages to age poorer than expected. Will no one let the princess finish a sentence?

Also, programming note, it was Temple of Doom that inspired the PG-13 rating, not …

"Mistakes were made." That's the tagline, and, honestly, the best review we could give this movie.

It's an orphans movie! It's a dog adoption movie! It's all these things and, somehow, so much less.

Welcome to Goodburger, home of the Goodburger. Can I take your order?

The '90's were wild, ya'll. You could get Sinbad and Shaq in your movie, …

In this super ginormous sized episode Adam and Lisa get waaaay to into the psychology of the McCallister family. And a bit too far into …

The movie that asks the real questions. Like "Why do we let Norm Macdonald be in things?" and "Can a monkey be charged with a felony?"

What if all the Prince Charmings (Princes Charming?) were the same? This thoughtful experiment gets to the root of the most confounding mystery in …

Mandalorian, The Second Part! We discuss that the best parts of this show are probably the call outs to previous episodes of this show or else Star Wars in general. Also, Baby Yoda.

In this episode Adam confuses the Traveling Wilburys with the Wild Thornberrys. And also discusses this show that was on Disney.

The (hopefully) final conclusion to the Sharkboy and Lavagirl series.

Robert Rodriguez makes a family film about a series of acid trips he had in college. Or something. Starring two Taylors.

You will be screaming "TOM HARDY" at us for a few minutes. Sorry.

Also, spoilers as we talk through the plot of a relatively new movie. But don't worry if, like us, you haven't seen Wonder Womans 2-1983. They …

*SPOILER WARNING* This one just came out!

Adam and Lisa discuss the importance of settling for the mundane.

The second best Ernest movie works with the season.

Are we watching a Christmas movie this close to the holidays? No. Of course not. It's about a rat who wants to be Gordon Ramsay because of course it …

We watch a movie about small town animals and economic downturns and discuss the importance of estate planning and life insurance.

Kurt Russel is back to save Christmas, this time with Goldie Hawn and it's, somehow, so very, very bad.

A children's movie addressing issues facing a woman attempting to re-enter the workforce and the whining of the man supporting her.

100th Episode Spectacular! Not really. We just drink while discussing the movie that teaches you it's OK to be ugly as long as you're rich and …

The unneeded live action remake of the Disney classic isn't as bad as it could have been.

We've had one movie already, but what about second movie?

The sequel to the series that followed the movie that, really, no one really asked for.

Simply the best movie combination of Halloween and Christmas. The perfect November movie.

But it also makes no sense.

Debby Reynolds is in this. Debby. Reynolds. She deserved better.

A critique on the state of mandatory reporter laws in the 90's. Or another Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen movie. Or both.

Can the remake of a 1991 classic remake of a 60's TV show be even better than the original material? I mean, it's possible, but this certainly isn't it.

What is probably the most functional family in cinematic history meets reality and comes out ahead.

Eddie Murphy in a kids movie based on a theme park ride. This was never going to be good, was it?

Like, seriously, did Bette Midler know what she signed up for or was this just her doing what she does best? Either way, top 10 Halloween movies of all time.

The sequel to the movie based on those little troll dolls that get randomly popular every 15 years. At least it's introducing our kids to good music.

Time travel brought to you by your dad the dog. Because the 5 minute cartoon segments were not enough.

The movie that launched the minions. And for that, it has much to answer for.

What even is this movie? It's... not good. It's... not bad. It's just... weird.

First, we know it's Stephen Baldwin. But also, we look at a lot of kids detective shows to figure out why we think children have the answers to all our problems.

Where do you know Tim Curry from? This movie answers that for our kids now. Decide what that says about them.

How are there no dogs or caves in this movie?

Reminding children that the military industrial complex rains supreme and you only have the rights they want you to have.

A beautiful acid trip where Oprah pretends to be 30 feet tall and the queen of the universe when we all know she's not a bit over 26 feet tall.

A charming story of an accidental child abduction.

A great reminder of why we drink. G-Force is the story of talking guinea pigs that... honestly, who knows? It's a mess.

Tired of social distancing? Wishing we could be in your house with you watching a movie and making snarky comments? Then do we have an episode for …

In this episode, Adam asks way too many questions about Goofy's biology, classification, and reproductive cycles.

Lisa and Adam discuss gender and clown fish and incorrectly identify the capitol of Australia several times.

It's Baby's First Wes Anderson this week. Do our kids like style over substance or is this not their cup of fake British tea?

The nostalgia button gets hit again and again as Adam relives his favorite Saturday mornings.

This is a weird one. A bunch of short little videos back to back with no coherent theme. Kinda like my life.

As you wish...

Not the highest form of Disney animation, but not the worst. Except for that weird part in a mouse strip club.

Adam and Lisa attempt to get banned in China.

Disney picks an unlikely setting for their follow up to Robin Hood.

Will Smith, the voice of the genie from Aladdin, according to my former children, stars as a bird.

He's reached the part of his career where he's doing talking animal movies.

I'm sorry, Will.

In the unofficial sequel to Deadpool 2, Ryan Renolds sasses his way through another franchise.

The movie that spawned 2 sequels, a TV series, a licensable high school musical about this high school musical and a TV show where they watch people …

There's a point in the 1980's where you could get a job by walking into an office and demanding one. This is a throwback to that fantasy.

Reporting on a post apocalyptic vision where humanity has failed its most vulnerable.

Man, that's hitting a little close to home this week.

We review a movie still in the theaters!

Adam reveals how little he knows about Dungeons and Dragons and Lisa does, too, but she's not surprised about it.

What could be easier than raising a family? Raising a family of superheroes without anyone knowing they're superheros.

Did you think Lisa got all her questions and concerns about Harry Potter out last time? Well, you were wrong. Here she goes again.

Whoever keeps putting these computer animated cartoon and video game characters into movies with real life actors really needs to stop.

For what is hopefully, but not probably, the last entry in the Toy Story saga we take a look at the transcendental terror of existence, dabble in the …

Disney brings you Stockholm Syndrome, but cute.

They make Easter movies now? About the Easter bunny? Was anyone really calling for that?

The sequel we always wanted where we ask many questions about Hu greenlit this movie.

The third best computer animated film 2001 had to offer.

We did it. We actually stuck with something for an entire year. What have we learned by this?

Nothing much, apparently.

In this episode, Adam has flashbacks to his days spent outside and remembers why he promised to never do that ever again.

The final (riiiiight) installment of the Skywalker Saga aka the main Star Wars movie.

We're pretty sure we forgot more than we remembered, but it's still a fun ride.

Anna Kendrick is probably part elf. You can't prove she isn't.

WARNING: THIS EPISODE MAY CONTAIN SPOILER REGARDING THE EXISTENCE OR POSSIBLE NON-EXISTENCE OF SANTA CLAUSE.

Now that is out of the way, we watch a sappy seasonal movie about recapturing the true meaning of Christmas …

Sneaking in another episode before the next movie comes out. Enjoy?

Because, yes, it's about time it got up and made someone a shitton more money.

Lisa just watched it for the first time. Adam hasn't seen it in years. We get several plot points very wrong. See if you can spot them by yelling at your phone when they pop up!

If you didn't get enough stilted acting and parliamentary procedure from the last episode, have we got a welcome surprise for you!

It's as if a million nerds cried out at once, and were still complaining 20 years later.

The Jedi have returned but... why? And for how long? And what's the big plan, anyway? There is a plan, right? I mean, we're not just walking into an obvious trap. Right? Right?

A little, furry man saves the world. Yes, we're talking about Danny DeVito.

Easily the most watchable of the Star Wars films, probably. At least Lisa thinks so, and she has opinions as to why.

It's a classic. It's required viewing in my house. And, it turns out, Lisa's not impressed.

The most recent re-telling of the legend of the Grinch, which still fails to justify its existence over a 30 minute cartoon.

Think it couldn't get worse than the live action Alvin and the Chipmunk movies? Well, you're right. But this one isn't really worthy of the nostalgia.

The greatest movie of our time?

Probably not.

The greatest performance by Eddy Murphy in a children's movie?

Also, probably no.

Mike Myers' best work?

Still... no.

But it's Shrek and it kept Smashmouth on the …

With Lisa out of town, Adam has to rely on some even more unreliable narrators to get through this episode.

No, you didn't miss an episode. Our kids just didn't want to watch Descendants 2. So we watch this one instead. We'd like to think seeing the second …

In a world where all the Disney films apparently happened at once, and where Beast has united the kingdoms under his iron rule...

Would have been a …

The fight club of the next generation.

Remember, you can never be anything besides what you were born to be so just make the most of your freakishness and hopefully you can help some of …

It was the early 2000's and Disney decided everything needed a sequel. Even things they just made. At least this one kept most of the original cast. And, really, that's the best we can say about it.

Eddy Murphy makes kids movies. This one thing you must remember or nothing that follows will make any sense.

Approaching Pluto Nash levels of bad …

Teaching our kids that anything is acceptable if you're doing it in order to produce energy. Right?

When their owners are away, pets will get into a series of unbelievable exploits but still somehow make it back home through a locked apartment in time for their owners' return.

But, somehow, it's not terrible.

The best movie to come out of Disney between 1995 and... well... we're waiting.

Did the world need 3 Despicable Me movies? No. But they got them anyway. Here's our thoughts on the third.

Mediocre children's book turned worse than mediocre children's movie.

Is this the best Olsen Twins/Kristy Allen/Steve Guttenberg/Rob Base & DJ E-Z crossover event of all time? I mean, I hope not. But here we are.

Did you think that one movie was enough to tell the saga of the lives of the Malibu Rescue team? You were right. But here's a miniseries anyway.

Stay out of Malibu, Lebowski.

Actually, if at all possible, we should all really try to stay out of this one.

Back after a little time off, we dig into the movies our kids watched on vacation, starting with the sequel to one of my least unfavorite kids movies.

Adam Sandler and Russell Brand bring you the story of how a grown man tries to manipulate kids' imaginations to get everything he ever wanted and …

Tim Allen stars in what was not his worst film of 2006. But it's bad. It's really, really bad.

We are fine. Everything is not fine. But we are fine.

Reviewing a masterpiece before the inevitable unnecessary remake.

Hippy Juice

1 Cup Watermelon Vodka 1/2 Cup Rum 1/2 Cup Triple Sec Top a gallon with pink Country Time lemonade made to instructions.

We're in the endgame now...

We finish up last week's discussion about the Marvel Cinematic Universe by looking at Avengers: Endgame.

Again, maybe some spoilers.

*SPOILERS*

THIS EPISODE CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR MOVIES CURRENTLY IN THEATERS.

Lisa and Adam blow through the entire MCU up to Endgame in a single episode. Spoilers abound, but so does confusion.

Also, Adam is wrong, …

We have many questions about the Harry Potter universe. But since half the team is a drunk Hufflepuff, we may never know the answers.

Snake Pliskin does Santa Clause. Not the weirdest casting for the jolly old elf, but not a great movie, either.

Melonade:

1 oz. Raspberry …

A love letter to Canadian children's programming, and why you should be listening to their soundtracks.

The timeless tale of why your town probably shouldn't get a significant portion of its identity from that time you all freaked out because a four …

Here's an idea... let's make a kids movie based on Greek mythology. It's the only logical direction to go after the success that was Hunchback of …

It's a movie... about emoji. We've hit the bottom and kept digging.

What could possibly be creepier than the 1980's Winnie the Pooh show on the Disney Chanel? Oh. Yeah. Christopher Robin with PTSD.

The final installment of a 14-ish movie series based on that one video that won America's Funniest Home Videos in 1991. Really.

The most unsettling moving Robert Rodriguez's production company has ever made.

Adam's awkward answers about anthropomorphic automotive anatomy.

Can an infinite number of radioactive spiders biting an infinite number of moody teens create a good movie?

Looking into the happy side of child neglect and abandonment, it's this week's episode of Designated Parent.

Seriously, who is looking after these kids in Piqua, Ohio?

The exciting conclusion to the immortal Hotel Transylvania trilogy. Wait, who are we kidding? They're going to make more and more of theses until they lose all meaning and outnumber the Land Before Time movies.

Tonight we dissect the multi-generational trauma that is Fuller House, where nothing makes sense and everything seems like it was written by aliens …

A movie about a talking dog and its friends saving Christmas. Because that's original. Pass the Merlot.

Our first episode, recorded on a dare. One of us gets a little drinky while we try to remember what happened in the movie we literally just watched. This time it's the sequel to the sequel to the Squeakquel. Because no …