Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet

WARNING: CONTAINS SEXY STUFF. Which basically just means we talk about Charlie Brown and Spooky Buddies. Please be safe this Halloween season and don't summon Satin and keep your wife away from lovely yellow minions. 

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Hey ghostie, bring that thicc smoky body this way ;)

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Welcome to Asparagus: Fully Plucked, where we provide educational agriculture content to all members of Pat's Kingdom. So sit back, roll a rug in a …

Normally since it's his birthday, we'd say 'All hail Xandy!' but we're over here hailing the corn cob cannon king instead. Maybe next year, Xandy. Maybe.

Listen to Alex's newest podcast, Human Seeking Human: …

Thanks for tuning in to episode 1 of Dilbert + Smash Mouth: A Haunting. We hope you enjoy the nonsensical ramblings of a former Indiana model and his M&M loving sister.

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You give podcasters a listen, you feed them a meal. Teach podcasters to steal listens, they probably get kicked off their platform. This made slightly more sense with apple sauce... 

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Well this was a weird one, so I'm not sure what to say here. Something something IKEA gnomes and bread bowls. Y'all know.

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Christine and Alex, the scum of the earth, are back to discuss communism, Kafka, and The Parking Enforcement Agenda (PEA). Christine also throws curses around like they're nothing, so we're sorry in advance if we ruin …

Hey all you naughty gulls, thanks for tuning in to Christine's National Convention. She has only one platform: Eradicate All Ocean Worms. Please …

We're going through our lives as a couple of dunk clowns: We think too highly of ourselves and we laugh at our own jokes. 

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Need more of life's sweet substance? We got you covered. We're back with another episode where we read reviews that you found and sent in to us! Email us at beachtoosandy@gmail.com with the subject "Between You And Us" …

After years of perfecting our popsicle stick versions of episode 89, we've finally released the finished product. In this episode, we read reviews of lighthouses worthy of Steven King's editor. So sit down, heat up your …

Welcome to rush week! There's only one option and it's They-ta They-ta They-ta. And everyone is invited to join! The only hazing will be us forcing you to watch Ants With No Pants on DVD. Welcome!

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If you're wondering what Jimmy Fingers is up to, he's using those fingers of his to go to https://www.raicestexas.org/ways-to-give/bond-fund/ to donate to the RAICES Texas Bond Fund! They are a nonprofit agency that …

We're back with possibly the most garrulous podcast in existence. Are we using that right? Anyway, help Christine reach her goal of terminal velocity …

This is a historic moment in Beach Too Sandy history. We read the first review where the reviewer changes their own mind while writing the review. Almost as breathtaking as seeing a grackle in the wild. Listen and …

Think people can't possibly be snobs about something called a 'garbage plate?' Think again, then update your Rolodex. Also, fair warning to people …

After the success of our Disney Parks episode, we decided to do another one! Oh wait, never mind, these reviews are of Pompeii. But apparently some people can't tell the difference. In an attempt to redeem the …

Don't be too surprised if we rename our podcast to The Shanti Chronicles, because Alex loves his new adopted Gibbon daughter. The news about her might be the most important part of our episode, but it doesn't take away …

Disclaimer: These Podcast Hosts Be Wildin'. Wait, what does that even mean? Anyway, we're reviews of scuba diving in Guam, then Alex reads reviews where the reviewer vows never to return to a state/country. It's just as …

Who the hell gave us this platform? Oh yeah, you all did... Well thank you for having an IQ higher than a crab and being an outlet for our boring childhood stories. We'll post proof of our "extreme skill and …

Welcome to the Church of Yelp, where we teach you everything it takes to get yourself into hell. We're reading reviews of the "benign personality …

We will not be releasing a regular episode this week in an effort to listen to, learn from, and amplify Black voices. Tune in to this brief recording …

Between the indiscriminate pooping, tea bags, and bodily excreted waste... this might be our grossest episode yet. But if you can make it through, you can hear our mother's favorite joke. Well, maybe that's the worst …

Welcome to our first weekly Winnie-sode! We discuss jellybean storage, dried up condoms, and we touch on what it's like to be an oxygen-dependent …

The Schiefer Siblings are coming out to play! And they're on a mission... to normalize... constipation? God this episode is messy. If you want, you're welcome to dive headfirst into this mess of crazy craft store …

From bidets to porn sites, we talk about pretty much everything this episode. Thankfully it's a bonus episode, so we can do what we want! And so can …

Turn off your Jimmy Buffet and hop aboard the Silky Pig, because we're going yelping! Join us on this amazing natural journey where we discover all …

Before you listen to this episode, we've gotta lay down some ground rules. We expect you to either write us a poem or give us a dollar. And once you …

We've got new merch!! Head over to bit.ly/beachtoosandymerch for a "Lunatic Leftwing Liberal Loser" pin, a "Baron of Cream" shirt or a Beach Too Sandy decal! 

If you've ever eaten calamari at a bowling alley, this …

Since this was released at 11 PM our time on April 30th, we're counting it as the April Between You And Us. Deal with it or face us and our spirited personalities.

Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for …

We hope after listening to this episode, you tell everyone how much we mind blew you with our talk of mutant chickens and souvlaki …

Listen to this week's episode to find out how you can win a copy of Animal Crossing: New Horizons for the Nintendo Switch! If you already own a copy, …

Years from now, we believe someone will wonder if Tim Allen was one of the hosts of Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet. And that person is Christine Schiefer. Find out what else she thinks Tim Allen was in on this episode …

Calling all iron maiden fans! Whether that's of the band, the medieval torture device, or our mother. We've got an uplifting? bonus episode for you where we only read the positive reviews (mostly)!!!! So come join us …

YEGADS! In this week's episode, Christine philosophizes and Alex waxes poetic. If that doesn't convince you to listen to this one, then we don't blame you. But we hope you give us the chance to warn you about big …

Is that title really not enough for you?

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Let me tell you something, bro... *thumbs down emoji* *poop emoji *coffin emoji* *nails emoji* *baby bottle emoji* *pill emoji* *wrench emoji* KARMA BACK AT YOU!

Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a …

Hey all you cool cats and kittens! If you haven't watched Tiger King, give in to all the pressure and watch it. Otherwise, this episode is gonna be …

Love a good panto? That must mean you're British! So stop whatever yawn-fest you're participating in, and join us as we read reviews of universities in England. Christine also reads some of the worst reviews we've had …

You should really listen to this episode, but keep in mind that it won't save your life. Only Lysol can do that apparently. We hope you enjoy this …

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Please enjoy this episode of us speaking in runes about Lord of the Rings. After that, Alex gives us a much needed pick me up when he reads reviews mentioning bodega cats, who are as fuzzy as the ham …

Things you can do during the COVID-19 epidemic:

Donate to help kids who depend on school lunches at http://www.nokidhungry.org

Avoid purchasing WIC …

If you've never listened to Beach Too Sandy, prepare yourself by imagining you're meeting a 6-foot tall teddy bear with titanium legs. We're reading all sorts of reviews that are related (very loosely) to Saint …

If you're considering writing a review of our show while hospitalized, be sure to wait until the morphine has kicked in. Because you might not be happy with us after this episode, especially if you live in Australia. …

If you normally listen to our show in the presence of family, we'd recommend switching that up for this episode. And if for some reason you let your children listen to this explicit podcast, DEFINITELY keep them far …

Sure, we're probably the last people on the planet who should be hosting a podcast episode about Disney, but we still had a blast reading terrible …

Welcome to Schiefer Family Therapy, where the very hot and extremely humble Alex and croissant-phobic Christine tackle their biggest issues. If you're a family member of ours, please know we are terribly sorry for what …

You're joining us live from the travelator in Tesco, where a follower of Christ and her alien intern brother are reading terrible reviews. These two …

The Valentine's Lorax has a warning for you: If you were hoping for our Ireland episode, don't listen to this one because you'll have to wait another week. Surprise! It's a Valentine's Day episode! We read reviews of …

If you look in the mirror and say "RED RAW' three times while spinning, Bernie Schiefer will appear behind you or your money back.

Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A!
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We made it through our first live show ever!! And now you have the chance to experience our discomfort from the comfort of your home. We had an …

We're going international! We visit our neighbors to the north, Canada, to find out how they feel about their karaoke bars. Then, Christine shares reviews of escape rooms written by people who had no business being in …

Grab your plain sticks and your snotty coffee, because we're about to go on quite the journey. First, we read reviews of good old Dunkin' Donuts in …

Welcome to the Schiefer Casino! We've got Mark who has a gaming license from eBay and Braley is behind the bar serving up only top shelf drinks! We are also known for rewriting LGBT history and for hiding Steak 'n …

After forgetting it existed, we finally find ourselves in Kansas! We read reviews of pizza places and discuss the future of the Tootise film franchise. Then, Alex reads a variety of reviews of gay bars and they're just …

Greetings from the Schiefer Sisters! We're back for another episode where we read reviews sent in by you, our lovely listeners! So stop smelling …

We have some actual exciting news this episode, so listen up! Then listen to us read some ridiculous reviews written by both real and not so real …

Christine (cactus print) and Alex (stripper scent) bring you the first Beach Too Sandy episode of a new decade. We read reviews of arcades, arcade bars, and dueling piano bars (for some reason) in Nashville, TN. Then …

This week, CHRISTine and Alex reveal what is causing the death of all humans... at least according to a single reviewer. Believe it or not, it's not …

This week, we rewrite The Grinch, repurpose Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol, and share other valuable pieces of media in the form of Yelp reviews. …

Happy podversary!! We're celebrating one year of Beach Too Sandy nonsense! Thank you so much for your support this past year. As a special gift, we've finally revealed the identity of the man behind our intro. And no, …

All hail King Salmon! Just... don't order him on a cinnamon raisin bagel. In this month's episode, we read some of the worst reviews you've ever sent …

Don't do us bogus and give this week's episode a listen. If you don't, Alex is going to take Christine's bathroom breaks away. So hear all about how the state of your local Menards means America is dead, and about how …

*Insert Favorite Turkey Noise Here* Welcome to our Thanksgiving special! Now as a fireside chat! Your holiday is about to be ruined by the cornucopia …

Happy Wonderwall! Throw on your favorite Armani underwear, grab your hottest rock, and enjoy the premiere of Pretty Mayor - the opposite of …

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*frisbee emoji* *frisbee emoji* *frisbee …

If you're reading this, you are officially banned from LeanCuisine.com. Feeling doo-doo trash about that? Then listen to us read reviews sent in by YOU, our lovely listeners. We hope you love this month's episode, but …

This week's episode is dedicated to Fat Cat Cora.

Remember that time when we exposed a hairy underbelly? Well, this week's underbelly is even hairier. If you're looking for an apartment in Grand Rapids, we hope you …

Welcome to the Beach Too Sandy Halloween Extravaganza!! We have such an exciting show featuring three very special guests! We bet you're reading this looking for a spoiler of who those guests are. Well guess what, we're …

WHEN YOU YELL, I YELP! 

Looking for a nose to pick? You've come to the right place. Turn up the Ziggy Idol, put on your star costume, and join us as …

Hello lovely listeners. Enjoying the table wine? Well why don't we take this back to our garden. We've got plenty of steamed salami to go around ;) Just don't let Louis out, we're happy he left his post at the winery …

Locusts, cicadas, and hard hats oh my! We're reading the reviews you want to hear! This time we read everything from book reviews to communion wafers. Listen now, because THIS. IS. CRITICAL.

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Welcome to the start of our podcast recording marathon, AKA our descent into madness, AKA our descent into Christine's basement full of teens. Listen …

It's Alex's birthday episode and we certainly made the most of it. We discuss killing penguins and the miracle of childbirth, all while Alex intimately sings the praises of Scrub Daddy. Listen to your Podcast Messiah …

Don't know what a runza is? Don't listen to us, because we think it's a hot dog bun sewn shut and filled with questionable ingredients. We don't have personal experience because we don't even know where Nebraska is. …

We're heading to Maine on the Gossip Train! We're stopping at the Charles Inn for a ghost made breakfast. Then we'll tour the basement where Stephen King lives, butchering the name of the town while we do it. Enjoy …

Adjust your husky pants and let us show you the world, shining glimmering... something. We're back and we're hungry for what West Virginia has to offer, hairy underbelly and all. So turn your ;( upside down and let …

If you’ve ever read the name of our podcast and thought to yourself, "No one would ever complain that their water is too wet..." then boy do we have …

This week, we explore the underbelly (and overbelly) of Albuquerque. No clue what that means? Let's just say one has high metaphysical prices while …

We're forty, flirty, and friving! In this very special episodes, our jet lagged selves offer you a glimpse into what a Schiefer vacation is like. …

Witness if you will a subway tunnel, long abandoned below the bustling streets of Cincinnati. These tunnels have residents: Yelp reviewers. Let it be known that these reviewers have a disdain for soup and an affinity …

This episode is dedicated to all the Tonys out there! Gather your escargatoire, put the salt away, and unfriend all Pauls, because it's time for …

Slip on some lulus, take a sip of yuppie crack, and dive into another week of crazy reviews sent in by you! Whether your name is Shinny or Sheenad, …

Hello sweet children of a friend of ours, we hope you're having the BDE. Unfortunately ours is the WDE, because our Hot Bunz aren't working and Christine won't let Alex sell his Ten Renaissance Paintings. While we …

Welcome to Christine's Unnamed Game Show featuring Skeeve Harvey! In this episode, we cover finance, art history, sports, and rats. And Christine gives us some fascinating insight into her life: she's been to a bank. So …

Alex: *loudly and desperately* "I FOLLOWED NONE OF THAT, BUT I HATED ALL OF THAT" *breaks into a sweat* Christine: *pulls up barstool* "EEK!!" …

Calling all Walmartians! We came out of our basement to bring you an episode chock full of glory holes and racism. But don't worry, Christine left …

In this week's episode we visit bars in Columbus to perfect our espionage techniques. It turns out, Christine is not a master criminal. Flip on your …

We've intercepted Bob Schieffer's emails to bring you this very important episode. He'd probably give this podcast 0 bombs if he could.  But we hope …

We're bringing you another episode of Beach Too Sandy! We explore the sporting goods stores of Anchorage and get diplomatic about Alaskan weather. Then, Alex reads reviews written by the hardest criminals around: …

Grab your tweens and make them listen to our wildest episode yet! Something is absolutely in the water supply and it's not making anyone more sane. …

Hi! We’re new and we don’t know a lot. What we do know is that these reviews are ridiculous as always. We read reviews written by some very crabby …

A Beach Too Sandy love story: We love you very much and we will never hurt you.

Come join us as we dive into our email inbox and read the best of the best citizen reviews!

If you'd like to submit a funny review, email …

We're back with another episode for your listening displeasure. We read the worst reviews of movie theaters in Providence, RI, and Christine reads …

Between all the talk of pearls and jumper cables, this episode is particularly heinous. For that reason, we're officially putting a ban on 13-19 year …

Welcome to our morning morbid show with morning joe. In today's episode, we're taking you on a very bumpy ride through New Orleans. Please refrain from peeing or exposing yourself, no matter what we say in the show. …

Is it possible for people to give their local parks bad reviews? Yes. And it's as crazy as you'd think! Alex then reads conspiracy theory reviews that no one needs to hear. Whether you listen to this in your home, …

Get your sunglasses emoji ready, because we've got some "cool" reviews for you. We're reading the worst reviews of DMVs in Phoenix, AZ. Now imagine …

Ghosts, choking, vampires... wait, what podcast is this again? Oh yeah, the one where we take the mask off of humanity and reveal its truest form. And in this episode, we're back to reading reviews sent in by our …

In our most educational episode yet, we broaden your vocabulary as well as your understanding of the Geneva Convention. But don't worry, there's …

Welcome to Geppetto's Geriatric Sex Dungeon. Grab a doll, pick a booth, and enjoy our tastiest episode yet! We learn about all the toys Chicago has …

In this week's episode, we reveal our titular story. We also discuss condoms, feces, and panty liners. So basically... we're discussing humanity this …

This podcast made me laugh so bad!!! I threw up. It's time to kick off your Skechers and enjoy a new episode of Beach Too Sandy. While exploring …

Episode 20 is the extravaganza you didn't know you needed! To mark the special occasion, we surprise each other with reviews of places that are close to our hearts. Hop in Guy Fieri's convertible and take this trip down …

Cover your trouser! We're back with some PHAT reviews, ranging from Starbucks to Mount Rushmore. This episode = was passable. Just don't laugh too loudly or we'll call security... and remember, fishing is NOT a crime.

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In our quest to find the worst reviews, we may have found the worst one yet. As difficult as that was, we make it through. Next in our journey, we …

This week, Lisa Lampanelli graces us with her voice... and a plea to our beautiful listeners. This is followed by plenty of tallywagging from Alex …

In this week's episode, we take on communism, mary-juana, and the feminist agenda. It's truly an episode for the ages. But don't worry, we bleep out …

If you ever want to blackmail us with fake audio pulled from various sound bites, boy do we have the episode for you! We provide you with amazing …

The voices of a generation reading reviews sent in by fans of a generation. That's right, we're back and we're engaging in civil dialogue. We're reading what YOU want us to read. Instead of spending your hard earned …

RudeJuggalo, WeedLMFAO, alxdude9, and imalwayzcrazy444. Which ones are our old AIM accounts and which are new? You have to listen to find out! This …

Hooded figures, dead bodies, and squirt machines. Or, your average Beach Too Sandy episode. If you think this episode stinks, watch out for our next …

Hear ye hear ye! Green grocers and proprietors alike! We have an episode  that will surely challenge your views and give you a bad case of the sweats. Gather yourself below one of the Brooklyn Bridges, open up to page 1 …

In this week's episode, the gang announces their next venture (unfortunately it's not a liquor store in Louisville, KY). Please wish us luck on our imminent future as born again Belgians, and please enjoy this episode …

In the first edition of our monthly Between You And Us episodes, we read reviews of your most suggested item. This episode is an exploration of the human body and its limits. You will learn so much from this episode, …

WARNING! Do not let your ladies listen to this show. We will steal them from you. In episode 11 we go back to our roots: Vegas strip clubs. More specifically, the Chippendales show which helped launch the idea for this …

Welcome to episode 10 of the podcast where a couple of poorly dressed jobsworths read awful reviews. This very special episode is full of big …

What's the difference between Waffle House and your friendly neighborhood orgy? According to this week's reviews, possibly nothing. Whichever one you're going to, be sure to watch out for pink eye!

"SIGNED ALEX AND …

Psst... yeah you... ever heard of... Presbyterianism? Then do we have the episode for you. We explore Denver for the worst reviews of dentists. Then we spread the good word of Ouija board reviewers. Take a break from …

Buckle up, folks, because things are about to get "unsettling." Tune in to hear bridal store reviews from angry brides-to-be in Houston...and their …

Lost the instruction manual for your new pet bird? You’ve come to the right place! This week we read pet store reviews in Salt Lake City before trailBLAZing down an uncomfortable path of sci-fi erotic fiction…kindle …

Join us this week as we head to Ann Arbor to hear what people think of their local hair salons. Please enjoy, but watch out for the dead body out …

Wuz up! In episode 4 we explore the world of tech stores in Jacksonville, FL. 

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It's episode three, y'all! Tune in for some...interesting...reviews of car washes in Minneapolis, MN. 

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Episode two is here! We cover 1-star reviews of hotels in Kansas City, MO. 

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Welcome to the first official episode of BTSWTW, featuring 1-star reviews of grocery stores in Cincinnati, OH. 

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Is your beach too sandy? Water too wet? Ice too cold? More importantly, do you feel like yelling about it on the internet? We’re here to help. Beach …