Cover art for podcast Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet

Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet

269 EpisodesProduced by Forever DogWebsite

A comedy podcast featuring dramatic readings of one-star reviews written by real people with not-so-real problems. Hosted by Alex and Christine Schiefer. Produced by the Forever Dog Podcast Network.

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217: Reviews of Stores that No Longer Exist

January 25th, 2023


We've come to the conclusion that perhaps it is our listeners defecating (pun intended)

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216: Reviews of Gated Communities

January 18th, 2023


We're just hoping you don't rate your podcast based on physique and eating habits...

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215: Reviews of Buffet Restaurants

January 11th, 2023


We hope you enjoy this episode of Beach Too Sandy, Farts Too Wet!

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214: Reviews of Wedding DJs

January 4th, 2023


In this episode we go deep under cover and get lost in the sauce

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213: Reviews of Gingerbread Houses

December 28th, 2022


All hail Dong Man and the Satan Dog!

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211: Reviews of Elf on the Shelf

December 14th, 2022


Tag yourself! Xtine is Lucifer the Elf and Xandy is Bendy Naughty Boy...

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210: Reviews of Hallmark Christmas Movies

December 8th, 2022


Come ride the American Idol/Soap Opera/Hallmark Pipeline with us!

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207: Reviews of Ben & Jerry's

November 16th, 2022


Repeat after us: MORALS! OVER! FROZEN! MILK!

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206: Reviews of Our Dad's Mail

November 9th, 2022


Coming Soon: Beach Too Sandy X Stinky Boy

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205: Reviews of HOT TOPIC

November 2nd, 2022


Only having $9 billion is like shoving a ping pong ball up your nose.

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Between You And Us: Episode 41

October 31st, 2022


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204: Reviews of Chuck E. Cheese

October 26th, 2022


We would like to citizens arrest Charles Entertainment Cheese.

-Love, Xandy and Xtine

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203: Reviews of Spirit Halloween Stores

October 19th, 2022


More like (Demonic) Spirit Halloween Stores amirite?

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202: The Eek! Episode

October 12th, 2022


Your favorite eductinal podcast is back!

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201: Reviews of Children's Shows

October 5th, 2022


WARNING: Episode contains spoilers for Caillou.

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Between You And Us: Episode 40

September 30th, 2022


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200: Reviews of Our Embarrassing Moments

September 28th, 2022


If this episode doesn't get our podcast into the Library of Congress, we don't know what will.

Porch Pegging and dad hats are in!!! 

197: Reviews of Board Games

September 7th, 2022


Games and balls.

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196: Reviews of Useless Wish Products

August 31st, 2022


We're all thumbs if you know what we mean...

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Between You And Us: Episode 39

August 29th, 2022


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Between You And Us: Episode 38

August 26th, 2022


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195: Reviews of 55+ Communities

August 24th, 2022


I don't remember this, but in Christine's notes she wrote "Decatur, AL, Porno" and that probably sums up this episode somehow.

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194: Reviews of Summer Camps

August 17th, 2022


Warning: This episode might induce estranged relations with one's parents.

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193: Reviews of Cruises

August 10th, 2022


At the core, the true Xandy is a cool cruiser EEK!

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192: Reviews of Claire's

August 3rd, 2022


Listen to find out where the Teletubbies got their work done.

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191: Reviews of Recipes

July 27th, 2022


“…And if you gaze long into the food blog. The food blog gazes also into you.”  - Friedrich Nietzsche

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190: Reviews of Cemeteries

July 20th, 2022


What kind of loon wants to steal from a pet cemetery? Well, it might be someone closer to you than you think.

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188: Toddler Beds

July 6th, 2022


Anyone know a way to tell if something is bird poop without tasting it? Asking for a friend...

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Between You And Us: Episode 37

June 30th, 2022


This episode is highly unprofessional, distressing, confusing, and plain weird. Oh wait, that's all our episodes...

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187: Reviews of Camera Stores

June 29th, 2022


Please go the extra three inches and support us on Patreon at!

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186: Reviews of Trader Joe's

June 22nd, 2022


Only 1780s kids love Slipknot!!

Trader Joe's United: |

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185: Reviews of Ships

June 15th, 2022


Unfortunately for Xandy, this week we learn that there truly is an 'Eek!' for everything.

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184: Reviews of Reality TV Shows

June 8th, 2022


User TitObsessedWankophile gives this episode 5 stars!!

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183: Reviews of Michelin Star Restaurants

June 1st, 2022


How you going? I hope you get laser eye surgery. Sincerely, Gazza.

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Between You And Us: Episode 36

May 31st, 2022


We worship the almighty dollar, so buy tickets for our tour!

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182: Reviews of Cat Cafes

May 25th, 2022


Welcome to Toby's Toe Beans! Grab a catpurrccino and enjoy our homemade DNA ornaments.

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181: Reviews of Waffle Houses

May 18th, 2022


We revisit one of our favorite places and learn about a few new places, including the International House of Bologna!

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180: Reviews of Towing Companies

May 11th, 2022


Come see us live in Hawaii!! Or is it Ohio? Is there even a difference?

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179: Reviews of IKEA

May 4th, 2022


If you're a freedom loving American, good luck with your carpenting!

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New merch including a Pigoin pin!!!

178: Reviews of Children's Books

April 27th, 2022


We hope this episode doesn't haunt you the way we're haunted by the American Midwest between 1870 and 1894.

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New …

177: Reviews of As Seen On TV Products

April 20th, 2022


We read reviews of some of the weirdest items you can see on your TV. And come up with new nicknames for Xandy along the way.

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176: Reviews of American Girl Doll Locations

April 13th, 2022


Fingers crossed you don't judge our live shows based on how heavy the doors are...

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175: Reviews of Exterminators

April 6th, 2022


Your Bootylicious hosts are back!! TGBTG!! PTL!!

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174: Etsy Reviews

March 30th, 2022


Listen to the Psychic Psyblings and their ramblings. And don't forget to see them live in Ohio!

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173: Reviews of Rainforest Cafe

March 23rd, 2022


Or should we say, Reviews of Cracker Barrel Jungle Excursion?

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172: Reviews of Coffee Shops in Amsterdam

March 16th, 2022


In this chaotic episode, we discover that corpses do not be Gucci...

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171: Reviews of Hard Rock Cafe

March 9th, 2022


Rollin' down the street, smokin' indo, sippin' on Hennessy and sunscreen.

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170: Reviews of Benihana

March 2nd, 2022


We also talk about Hooters' best selling items! *checks notes* Uh milk and baked beans...

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Between You And Us: Episode 33

February 28th, 2022


Aunts and ants alike will LOVE this episode.

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169: Reviews of Halls of Fame

February 23rd, 2022


We hope this episode makes you giggle galore until you can't breathe.

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168: Reviews of Sushi Restaurants in Landlocked States

February 16th, 2022


The biggest paradox is that two people who don't know what they're talking about... talk for a living. Did we finally use that word right?

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167: Reviews of Shein Products

February 9th, 2022


See pics of some of these ridiculous products on our Instagram!

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166: Reviews of Phone Repair Shops

February 2nd, 2022


While you're out shopping for Bitch Too Sandy perfume, be sure to pick up Christine's latest book: Costumer Service 101!

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Between You And Us: Episode 32

January 31st, 2022


What's good for the goose is good for this podcast.

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165: Reviews of Perfumes

January 26th, 2022


BITCH TOO SANDY... coming soon to a department store near you!

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164: Revisiting Old Friends

January 19th, 2022


Come down to the Lizard Hole! Tonight's entertainment is Christine singing and Xandy playing game show host again...

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163: Reviews of Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville

January 12th, 2022


If you want a full version of 'Toes in the Sand,' let us know and we'll give you recommendations for therapists.

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162: Reviews of Helen, Georgia

January 5th, 2022


Throw on your airbrushed lederhosen, because we're going tubbing!

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Between You And Us: Episode 31

December 31st, 2021


You know what they say... Whatever can't kill you is a terrible product.

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161: Reviews of Lighthouses

December 29th, 2021


What is a lighthouse if not a house with a light on it?

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160: Reviews of Ornaments

December 22nd, 2021


You can tell we're handling the holidays well when we're wishing you a Happy New Year over a week early...

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159: Holiday Reviews

December 15th, 2021


Gather round as we try to figure out the true meaning behind Mensch on the Bench.

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158: QVC Holiday Special

December 8th, 2021


Want to join the sisterhood of the traveling poopy pants? Listen to the episode to find out how!

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157: Reviews of Christmas Tree Farms

December 1st, 2021


Ding dong!

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Between You And Us: Episode 30

November 30th, 2021


For more bonus content, check out our Patreon:!

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156: Subway or Subway?

November 24th, 2021


Enjoy this game show style episode that has all the brown fixins you can ask for!

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155: Reviews of Subway Sandwiches

November 17th, 2021


This week, Xandy talks about his biggest shame while Christine judges as if she's never catfished anyone before...

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154: Reviews of Subway Stations

November 10th, 2021


Go see pics of Xandy at The Transit Museum:

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153: Rate My Professors

November 3rd, 2021


Please give us some chili peppers, it'd make us so happie!

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152: Reviews of Halloween Attractions

October 27th, 2021


If you look up in the night sky, you just may see the siblings Schiefer flying by.

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Between You And Us: Episode 29

October 25th, 2021


Between talks of foreplay and vacuums, this episode really sucks.

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151: Reviews of Halloween Costumes

October 20th, 2021


Lovely Clown Xandy coming to a party near you!

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150: Reviews of Halloween Movies

October 13th, 2021


Christine is one step closer to her final form: White Mist.

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149: Pumpkin Reviews

October 6th, 2021


Christine finally admits she wouldn't fly to Maine to teach a child about the birds and the bees.

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148: The Ultimate Karen

September 29th, 2021


While Xandy was busy browsing our subreddit, Christine went down a rabbit hole of misery. Enjoy!

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Between You And Us: Episode 28

September 27th, 2021


Don't forget to wear goggles if you approach Xandy in public!

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147: Reviews of Whale Watching

September 22nd, 2021


Someone PLEASE erect a statue of Xandy...

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146: Reviews of Beanie Babies

September 15th, 2021


We apologize for the bummer parade we're about to take you on...

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145: Reviews of Airports

September 8th, 2021


This week we learn that Christine and Xandy should never be in a cockpit together.

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144: Reviews of Cracker Barrels

September 1st, 2021


You've been asking for it, and it's here! Get your Warning: Contains Sexy Stuff merch here:

Between You And Us: Episode 27

August 31st, 2021


The devil smiles as another bonus episode is released.

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142: Reviews of Public Art

August 18th, 2021


If enough people sign up for our Patreon, maybe we can afford to commission a new vein on Blucifer's penis.

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141: Reviews of Storage Facilities

August 11th, 2021


Fingers crossed no one finds out we, just like Barry on Storage Wars, get paid for what we do...

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140: Reviews of Candle Stores

August 4th, 2021


Please don't yank your candle while listening to this episode.

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139: Reviews of Truck Stops

July 28th, 2021


Christine found another forum to explore, which means Xandy is one step closer to quitting the podcast...

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138: Reviews of Ripley's Believe It or Not!

July 21st, 2021


Picture if you will a podcast, where, believe it or not, they discuss big honkers.

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137: Reviews of Car Rentals

July 14th, 2021


We're here for more bible analysis. With maybe a review or two sprinkled in...

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136: Reviews of Islands

July 7th, 2021


The footnote to Christine's life is her pending patent for a new form of animated candy dispenser.

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Between You And Us: Episode 24

June 28th, 2021


Listen to this episode to for tips on how to keep Joe Biden away from your hard case luggage!

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134: Reviews of Dick's Last Resorts

June 23rd, 2021


We finally find reviews where people are upset they didn't get verbally abused. What is this podcast coming to?

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133: Reviews of Gay Bars

June 16th, 2021


Isn't it strange how when you're in Anchorage, AK things aren't quite the same as they are in New York, NY? Ugh better write a one-star review about …

132: Reviews of Public Pools

June 9th, 2021


Just a couple of siblings who've been gathering filth since the 90s. If anyone asks, we came up with that.

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131: Reviews of the Gaylord Opryland

June 2nd, 2021


If you feel like a gay royal on a pride float, this episode is for you! If you like raisins, this episode is not for you!

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129: Reviews of Obscure Museums

May 19th, 2021


How will I tell my children that these podcasters were not cats?

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128: World's Largest Landmarks

May 12th, 2021


Wow, we finally did it y'all. We proved that evolution isn't real and Darwin is a false prophet. Time to praise the Oklahoma Peanut Princess instead!

Between You And Us: Episode 23

April 26th, 2021


In our humble but honorable opinions, it's about time ski resorts start serving nachos. PERIDOT.

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125: Pasty Shops in Michigan

April 21st, 2021


Interested in Jared Leto and Marky Mark's nipples? This is the episode for you! Oh wait, wrong type of pasties...

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124: Reviews of Escape Rooms

April 14th, 2021


Not sure if Christine's casket story is something I need to talk to the police about or not... Please advise.

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123: Lil Nas X

April 7th, 2021


This week we talk about the latest flash in the satanic panic. His name is Montero and he worships pentagons or pentagrams or something. Enjoy the …

122: Reviews of Churches

March 31st, 2021


Catch us in Spotify's new playlist: Podcasts brought down by Scientology. Hopefully we can still make it as minions at a megachurch!

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Between You And Us: Episode 22

March 29th, 2021


We're reading reviews sent in by you! To send your favorite reviews in, write to with the subject "Between You and Us"

Check …

121: Reviews of Fish Fries

March 24th, 2021


If you don't pray to the tabernacle of Betsy or Fish Fry Daddy, then what're you doing with your life? Probably poppin' pillies and listening to …

120: Bagel Shops in New York, New York

March 17th, 2021


To anyone who wants to buy the rights to Boris' Yelp account for their dissertation, please get in touch. Oh and FBI, you're welcome for finding the Zodiac Killer. Alex will accept his medal now.

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119: Reviews of Crystal Shops

March 10th, 2021


Christine is throwing stinging bites at reviewers while Alex wonders where you were all conceived.

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118: Reviews of Six Flags

March 3rd, 2021


The demonic Foghorn Leghorn rises from his coffin after 30 hours of eating cockroaches. Bert and Ernie quake in fear.

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117: Valentine's Day Reviews

February 24th, 2021


This episode will have you believing in love and God. We hope it makes you ripple ;)

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116: Poutineries in Canada

February 17th, 2021


A lot is resting on this wiener.

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115: Reviews of Girl Scout Cookies

February 10th, 2021


We almost titled this episode "The Girl Scouts Trip to the Slaughterhouse."

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Between You And Us: Episode 21

February 8th, 2021


We're reading reviews sent in by you! Including possibly our least favorite review of all time... #FrozenHaters #IHateFrozen To send your favorite reviews in, write to with the subject "Between …

114: Reviews of Renaissance Fairs

February 3rd, 2021


Warning: atheists and jugglers ahead. Don't say the town crier didn't warn you...

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113: Government Buildings in Hawaii

January 27th, 2021


I would not buy this for my cat. I would not buy this for my hat. I do not like it, Sam I am.

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112: Reviews of Music Venues

January 20th, 2021


Please consider contributing to the fundraiser for Milan Loncar:

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Between You And Us: Episode 20

January 18th, 2021


Hello plebs.. plubs? We're ready reviews you found on the internet and sent to us! To send yours in write to with the subject …

111: Reviews of Golden Corral

January 13th, 2021


Grab your pizgetlovy and stay close to the bathroom, because we've immune system compromising reviews to read ya!

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110: Ghost Towns in Texas

January 6th, 2021


Wait... what's that noise? Oh god Vicki's coming! Hurry, climb up the rocks. No, the colorful ones! But wait, don't forget to ask first. Oh no it's …

109: New Year Reviews

December 30th, 2020


*bomb* *cross* *airplane* if you know what we mean :grin:

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108: Holiday Reviews

December 23rd, 2020


Four days and seven scores ago, Tim Allen learned the secrets of Santa Claus from his father. And now we’re here to pass those secrets on to you. Enjoy!

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107: Reviews of Driving Schools

December 16th, 2020


We're just two podcasters trying to make an honest living. So what if we like looking at hotties with honkers?

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106: MLMs in Utah

December 9th, 2020


If you can get past our weird improv, you'll get to hear all about a great opportunity. Get in on the ground floor of our new oat milk multilevel …

Between You And Us: Episode 19

December 7th, 2020


We're back with Between You And Us and it's amazing, crazing, looking for the mazing! Sorry we haven't been releasing these, we've just been so busy …

105: Reviews of Target

December 2nd, 2020


This episode is brought to you by refrigeration and Gucci. Learn more at this year's Downton Abbey expo in Minot, ND.

Follow Alex's Twitch stream to …

104: Black Friday Reviews

November 25th, 2020


This episode is sponsored by corporations that would probably not approve of our content. Just kidding, it's sponsored by the holy trinity of luxury: …

103: Tourist Attractions in South Dakota

November 18th, 2020


While we set the bar merely a millimeter above the ground, you can't deny this is the absolute BEST podcast hosted by siblings with the last name …

102: Reviews of Private Investigators

November 11th, 2020


Or are they private dicks? Regardless, we're scared of them almost as much as we are of the idea that there won't be a Santa Clause 4 #TimAllenForSC4

101: Autumnal Reviews

November 4th, 2020


This week we explore our new favorite place to find reviews: QVC. It inspires Alex to start his campaign to become one of their next presenters, and it inspires Christine to start writing her new screenplay Alvin and …


October 28th, 2020


We did the unthinkable! We made it to 100 episodes. Take a horrifying stroll down memory lane with us as we revisit the funniest, most cringe-worthy …

99: Halloween Reviews

October 21st, 2020


WARNING: CONTAINS SEXY STUFF. Which basically just means we talk about Charlie Brown and Spooky Buddies. Please be safe this Halloween season and don't summon Satin and keep your wife away from lovely yellow minions. 

98: Cemeteries in Louisiana

October 14th, 2020


Hey ghostie, bring that thicc smoky body this way ;)

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97: Apple Orchards in New Hampshire

October 7th, 2020


Welcome to Asparagus: Fully Plucked, where we provide educational agriculture content to all members of Pat's Kingdom. So sit back, roll a rug in a …

96: Corn Mazes in Iowa

September 30th, 2020


Normally since it's his birthday, we'd say 'All hail Xandy!' but we're over here hailing the corn cob cannon king instead. Maybe next year, Xandy. Maybe.

Listen to Alex's newest podcast, Human Seeking Human:

95: Daycares in Indiana

September 23rd, 2020


Thanks for tuning in to episode 1 of Dilbert + Smash Mouth: A Haunting. We hope you enjoy the nonsensical ramblings of a former Indiana model and his M&M loving sister.

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94: Airports in North Carolina

September 16th, 2020


You give podcasters a listen, you feed them a meal. Teach podcasters to steal listens, they probably get kicked off their platform. This made slightly more sense with apple sauce... 

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93: Malls in New Jersey

September 9th, 2020


Well this was a weird one, so I'm not sure what to say here. Something something IKEA gnomes and bread bowls. Y'all know.

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92: Parking Violations Bureaus in Los Angeles, CA

September 2nd, 2020


Christine and Alex, the scum of the earth, are back to discuss communism, Kafka, and The Parking Enforcement Agenda (PEA). Christine also throws curses around like they're nothing, so we're sorry in advance if we ruin …

91: Beaches in Rhode Island

August 26th, 2020


Hey all you naughty gulls, thanks for tuning in to Christine's National Convention. She has only one platform: Eradicate All Ocean Worms. Please …

90: Small Towns in Ohio

August 19th, 2020


We're going through our lives as a couple of dunk clowns: We think too highly of ourselves and we laugh at our own jokes. 

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Between You And Us: Episode 18

August 17th, 2020


Need more of life's sweet substance? We got you covered. We're back with another episode where we read reviews that you found and sent in to us!

Email us at with the subject "Between You And Us" …

89: Lighthouses in Maine

August 12th, 2020


After years of perfecting our popsicle stick versions of episode 89, we've finally released the finished product. In this episode, we read reviews of lighthouses worthy of Steven King's editor. So sit down, heat up your …

88: Adult Video Stores in Missouri

August 5th, 2020


Welcome to rush week! There's only one option and it's They-ta They-ta They-ta. And everyone is invited to join! The only hazing will be us forcing you to watch Ants With No Pants on DVD. Welcome!

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87: Cowboy Boots in Texas

July 29th, 2020


If you're wondering what Jimmy Fingers is up to, he's using those fingers of his to go to to donate to the RAICES Texas Bond Fund! They are a nonprofit agency that …

86: Climbing Gyms in Colorado Springs, Colorado

July 22nd, 2020


We're back with possibly the most garrulous podcast in existence. Are we using that right? Anyway, help Christine reach her goal of terminal velocity …

Between You And Us: Episode 17

July 20th, 2020


This is a historic moment in Beach Too Sandy history. We read the first review where the reviewer changes their own mind while writing the review. Almost as breathtaking as seeing a grackle in the wild. Listen and …

85: Garbage Plates in Rochester, NY

July 15th, 2020


Think people can't possibly be snobs about something called a 'garbage plate?' Think again, then update your Rolodex. Also, fair warning to people …

84: Historical Sites in Italy

July 8th, 2020


After the success of our Disney Parks episode, we decided to do another one! Oh wait, never mind, these reviews are of Pompeii. But apparently some people can't tell the difference. In an attempt to redeem the …

83: Zoos in Norway

July 1st, 2020


Don't be too surprised if we rename our podcast to The Shanti Chronicles, because Alex loves his new adopted Gibbon daughter. The news about her might be the most important part of our episode, but it doesn't take away …

82: Scuba Diving in Guam

June 24th, 2020


Disclaimer: These Podcast Hosts Be Wildin'. Wait, what does that even mean? Anyway, we're reviews of scuba diving in Guam, then Alex reads reviews where the reviewer vows never to return to a state/country. It's just as …

81: Adventure Parks in Puerto Rico

June 17th, 2020


Who the hell gave us this platform? Oh yeah, you all did... Well thank you for having an IQ higher than a crab and being an outlet for our boring childhood stories. We'll post proof of our "extreme skill and …

80: KFC in Japan

June 10th, 2020


Welcome to the Church of Yelp, where we teach you everything it takes to get yourself into hell. We're reading reviews of the "benign personality …

Podcast Blackout

June 3rd, 2020


We will not be releasing a regular episode this week in an effort to listen to, learn from, and amplify Black voices. Tune in to this brief …

79: Reviews of Water Parks

May 27th, 2020


Between the indiscriminate pooping, tea bags, and bodily excreted waste... this might be our grossest episode yet. But if you can make it through, you can hear our mother's favorite joke. Well, maybe that's the worst …

Schiefer Madness: Few Things Considered

May 22nd, 2020


Welcome to our first weekly Winnie-sode! We discuss jellybean storage, dried up condoms, and we touch on what it's like to be an oxygen-dependent …

78: Craft Stores in Raleigh, NC

May 20th, 2020


The Schiefer Siblings are coming out to play! And they're on a mission... to normalize... constipation? God this episode is messy. If you want, you're welcome to dive headfirst into this mess of crazy craft store …

Schiefer Madness: Karma Will Prevail

May 15th, 2020


From bidets to porn sites, we talk about pretty much everything this episode. Thankfully it's a bonus episode, so we can do what we want! And so can …

77: Lakes in Minnesota

May 13th, 2020


Turn off your Jimmy Buffet and hop aboard the Silky Pig, because we're going yelping! Join us on this amazing natural journey where we discover all …

Between You And Us: Episode 16

May 11th, 2020


Before you listen to this episode, we've gotta lay down some ground rules. We expect you to either write us a poem or give us a dollar. And once you …

76: Bowling Alleys in Philadelphia, PA

May 6th, 2020


We've got new merch!! Head over to for a "Lunatic Leftwing Liberal Loser" pin, a "Baron of Cream" shirt or a Beach Too Sandy decal! If you've ever eaten calamari at a bowling alley, this …

Between You And Us: Episode 15

May 1st, 2020


Since this was released at 11 PM our time on April 30th, we're counting it as the April Between You And Us. Deal with it or face us and our spirited personalities.

Support us on Patreon at for …

75: Buffalo Wings in Buffalo, NY

April 29th, 2020


We hope after listening to this episode, you tell everyone how much we mind blew you with our talk of mutant chickens and souvlaki

Schiefer Madness: Animal Crossing

April 25th, 2020


Listen to this week's episode to find out how you can win a copy of Animal Crossing: New Horizons for the Nintendo Switch! If you already own a copy, …

74: Cigar Shops in Cuba

April 22nd, 2020


Years from now, we believe someone will wonder if Tim Allen was one of the hosts of Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet. And that person is Christine Schiefer. Find out what else she thinks Tim Allen was in on this episode …

Schiefer Madness: it's about GI troubles that we all have

April 18th, 2020


Calling all iron maiden fans! Whether that's of the band, the medieval torture device, or our mother. We've got an uplifting? bonus episode for you where we only read the positive reviews (mostly)!!!! So come join us …

73: Monuments in Washington, D.C.

April 15th, 2020


YEGADS! In this week's episode, Christine philosophizes and Alex waxes poetic. If that doesn't convince you to listen to this one, then we don't blame you. But we hope you give us the chance to warn you about big …

Schiefer Madness: Erotic Hand Sanitizer

April 10th, 2020


Is that title really not enough for you?

Support us on Patreon at for a monthly livestream Q&A!

Go subscribe to our …

72: Resorts in Mexico

April 8th, 2020


Let me tell you something, bro... *thumbs down emoji* *poop emoji *coffin emoji* *nails emoji* *baby bottle emoji* *pill emoji* *wrench emoji* KARMA BACK AT YOU!

Support us on Patreon at for a …

Schiefer Madness: Tiger King

April 3rd, 2020


Hey all you cool cats and kittens! If you haven't watched Tiger King, give in to all the pressure and watch it. Otherwise, this episode is gonna be …

71: Universities in England

April 1st, 2020


Love a good panto? That must mean you're British! So stop whatever yawn-fest you're participating in, and join us as we read reviews of universities in England. Christine also reads some of the worst reviews we've had …

Schiefer Madness: Quarantine Cuties

March 28th, 2020


You should really listen to this episode, but keep in mind that it won't save your life. Only Lysol can do that apparently. We hope you enjoy this …

70: Lord of the Rings in New Zealand

March 25th, 2020


Dear Webmaster, Please enjoy this episode of us speaking in runes about Lord of the Rings. After that, Alex gives us a much needed pick me up when he reads reviews mentioning bodega cats, who are as fuzzy as the ham …

Schiefer Madness: Social Distancing

March 20th, 2020


Things you can do during the COVID-19 epidemic:

Donate to help kids who depend on school lunches at

Avoid purchasing WIC …

69: Saint Patrick's Day Reviews Extravaganza

March 18th, 2020


If you've never listened to Beach Too Sandy, prepare yourself by imagining you're meeting a 6-foot tall teddy bear with titanium legs. We're reading all sorts of reviews that are related (very loosely) to Saint …

68: Beaches in Australia

March 11th, 2020


If you're considering writing a review of our show while hospitalized, be sure to wait until the morphine has kicked in. Because you might not be happy with us after this episode, especially if you live in Australia. …

Between You And Us: Episode 14

March 9th, 2020


If you normally listen to our show in the presence of family, we'd recommend switching that up for this episode. And if for some reason you let your children listen to this explicit podcast, DEFINITELY keep them far …

67: Reviews of Disney Parks

March 4th, 2020


Sure, we're probably the last people on the planet who should be hosting a podcast episode about Disney, but we still had a blast reading terrible …

66: Nightclubs in Berlin, Germany

February 26th, 2020


Welcome to Schiefer Family Therapy, where the very hot and extremely humble Alex and croissant-phobic Christine tackle their biggest issues. If you're a family member of ours, please know we are terribly sorry for what …

65: Tescos in Dublin, Ireland

February 19th, 2020


You're joining us live from the travelator in Tesco, where a follower of Christ and her alien intern brother are reading terrible reviews. These two …

64: Valentine's Day Reviews Extravaganza

February 12th, 2020


The Valentine's Lorax has a warning for you: If you were hoping for our Ireland episode, don't listen to this one because you'll have to wait another week. Surprise! It's a Valentine's Day episode! We read reviews of …

Between You And Us: Episode 13

February 10th, 2020


If you look in the mirror and say "RED RAW' three times while spinning, Bernie Schiefer will appear behind you or your money back.

Support us on Patreon at for a monthly livestream Q&A!

Go …

Live at Spotify HQ in New York, NY

February 7th, 2020


We made it through our first live show ever!! And now you have the chance to experience our discomfort from the comfort of your home. We had an …

63: Karaoke Bars in Halifax, NS

February 5th, 2020


We're going international! We visit our neighbors to the north, Canada, to find out how they feel about their karaoke bars. Then, Christine shares reviews of escape rooms written by people who had no business being in …

62: Dunkin' Donuts in Concord, NH

January 29th, 2020


Grab your plain sticks and your snotty coffee, because we're about to go on quite the journey. First, we read reviews of good old Dunkin' Donuts in …

61: Casinos in Biloxi, MS

January 22nd, 2020


Welcome to the Schiefer Casino! We've got Mark who has a gaming license from eBay and Braley is behind the bar serving up only top shelf drinks! We are also known for rewriting LGBT history and for hiding Steak 'n …

60: Pizza Places in Wichita, KS

January 15th, 2020


After forgetting it existed, we finally find ourselves in Kansas! We read reviews of pizza places and discuss the future of the Tootise film franchise. Then, Alex reads a variety of reviews of gay bars and they're just …

Between You And Us: Episode 12

January 13th, 2020


Greetings from the Schiefer Sisters! We're back for another episode where we read reviews sent in by you, our lovely listeners! So stop smelling …

59: Resorts in Charleston, SC

January 8th, 2020


We have some actual exciting news this episode, so listen up! Then listen to us read some ridiculous reviews written by both real and not so real …

58: Arcades in Nashville, TN

January 1st, 2020


Christine (cactus print) and Alex (stripper scent) bring you the first Beach Too Sandy episode of a new decade. We read reviews of arcades, arcade bars, and dueling piano bars (for some reason) in Nashville, TN. Then …

57: Holiday Reviews Extravaganza

December 25th, 2019


This week, CHRISTine and Alex reveal what is causing the death of all humans... at least according to a single reviewer. Believe it or not, it's not …

56: Ski Resorts in Burlington, VT

December 18th, 2019


This week, we rewrite The Grinch, repurpose Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol, and share other valuable pieces of media in the form of Yelp reviews. …

55: Car Dealerships in Fargo, ND

December 11th, 2019


Happy podversary!! We're celebrating one year of Beach Too Sandy nonsense! Thank you so much for your support this past year. As a special gift, we've finally revealed the identity of the man behind our intro. And no, …

Between You And Us: Episode 11

December 9th, 2019


All hail King Salmon! Just... don't order him on a cinnamon raisin bagel. In this month's episode, we read some of the worst reviews you've ever sent …

54: Menards in Eau Claire, WI

December 4th, 2019


Don't do us bogus and give this week's episode a listen. If you don't, Alex is going to take Christine's bathroom breaks away. So hear all about how the state of your local Menards means America is dead, and about how …

53: Thanksgiving Reviews Extravaganza

November 27th, 2019


*Insert Favorite Turkey Noise Here* Welcome to our Thanksgiving special! Now as a fireside chat! Your holiday is about to be ruined by the cornucopia …

52: Dry Cleaners in Columbia, MD

November 20th, 2019


Happy Wonderwall! Throw on your favorite Armani underwear, grab your hottest rock, and enjoy the premiere of Pretty Mayor - the opposite of …

51: Golf Courses in Des Moines, IA

November 13th, 2019


*golfer emoji* *golfer emoji* *golfer emoji* *hole-in-one emoji* *hole-in-one emoji* *hole-in-one emoji* *frisbee emoji* *frisbee emoji* *frisbee …

Between You And Us: Episode 10

November 11th, 2019


If you're reading this, you are officially banned from Feeling doo-doo trash about that? Then listen to us read reviews sent in by YOU, our lovely listeners. We hope you love this month's episode, but …

50: Apartment Complexes in Grand Rapids, MI

November 6th, 2019


This week's episode is dedicated to Fat Cat Cora. Remember that time when we exposed a hairy underbelly? Well, this week's underbelly is even hairier. If you're looking for an apartment in Grand Rapids, we hope you …

49: Spooky Spots in Salem, MA

October 30th, 2019


Welcome to the Beach Too Sandy Halloween Extravaganza!! We have such an exciting show featuring three very special guests! We bet you're reading this looking for a spoiler of who those guests are. Well guess what, we're …

48: Halloween Stores in Virginia Beach, VA

October 23rd, 2019


WHEN YOU YELL, I YELP! Looking for a nose to pick? You've come to the right place. Turn up the Ziggy Idol, put on your star costume, and join us as …

47: Wineries in Los Gatos, CA

October 16th, 2019


Hello lovely listeners. Enjoying the table wine? Well why don't we take this back to our garden. We've got plenty of steamed salami to go around ;) Just don't let Louis out, we're happy he left his post at the winery …

Between You And Us: Episode 9

October 14th, 2019


Locusts, cicadas, and hard hats oh my! We're reading the reviews you want to hear! This time we read everything from book reviews to communion wafers. Listen now, because THIS. IS. CRITICAL.

Support us on …

46: Fitness Centers in Cheyenne, WY

October 9th, 2019


Welcome to the start of our podcast recording marathon, AKA our descent into madness, AKA our descent into Christine's basement full of teens. Listen …

45: Tanning Salons in Huntington Beach, CA

October 2nd, 2019


It's Alex's birthday episode and we certainly made the most of it. We discuss killing penguins and the miracle of childbirth, all while Alex intimately sings the praises of Scrub Daddy. Listen to your Podcast Messiah …

44: Runzas in Lincoln, NE

September 25th, 2019


Don't know what a runza is? Don't listen to us, because we think it's a hot dog bun sewn shut and filled with questionable ingredients. We don't have personal experience because we don't even know where Nebraska is. …

43: Antique Stores in Portland, ME

September 18th, 2019


We're heading to Maine on the Gossip Train! We're stopping at the Charles Inn for a ghost made breakfast. Then we'll tour the basement where Stephen King lives, butchering the name of the town while we do it. Enjoy …

42: Ice Cream Parlors in Charleston, WV

September 11th, 2019


Adjust your husky pants and let us show you the world, shining glimmering... something. We're back and we're hungry for what West Virginia has to offer, hairy underbelly and all. So turn your ;( upside down and let …

Between You And Us: Episode 8

September 9th, 2019


If you’ve ever read the name of our podcast and thought to yourself, "No one would ever complain that their water is too wet..." then boy do we have …

41: Psychics in Albuquerque, NM

September 4th, 2019


This week, we explore the underbelly (and overbelly) of Albuquerque. No clue what that means? Let's just say one has high metaphysical prices while …

40: Gas Stations in Wilmington, DE

August 28th, 2019


We're forty, flirty, and friving! In this very special episodes, our jet lagged selves offer you a glimpse into what a Schiefer vacation is like. …

39: Bookstores in Portland, OR

August 21st, 2019


Witness if you will a subway tunnel, long abandoned below the bustling streets of Cincinnati. These tunnels have residents: Yelp reviewers. Let it be known that these reviewers have a disdain for soup and an affinity …

38: McDonald's Restaurants in Billings, MT

August 14th, 2019


This episode is dedicated to all the Tonys out there! Gather your escargatoire, put the salt away, and unfriend all Pauls, because it's time for …

Between You And Us: Episode 7

August 12th, 2019


Slip on some lulus, take a sip of yuppie crack, and dive into another week of crazy reviews sent in by you! Whether your name is Shinny or Sheenad, …

37: Dollar Stores in Birmingham, AL

August 7th, 2019


Hello sweet children of a friend of ours, we hope you're having the BDE. Unfortunately ours is the WDE, because our Hot Bunz aren't working and Christine won't let Alex sell his Ten Renaissance Paintings. While we …

36: Banks in Charlotte, NC

July 31st, 2019


Welcome to Christine's Unnamed Game Show featuring Skeeve Harvey! In this episode, we cover finance, art history, sports, and rats. And Christine gives us some fascinating insight into her life: she's been to a bank. So …

35: Souvenir Shops in Atlantic City, NJ

July 24th, 2019


Alex: *loudly and desperately* "I FOLLOWED NONE OF THAT, BUT I HATED ALL OF THAT" *breaks into a sweat* Christine: *pulls up barstool* "EEK!!" …

34: Walmarts in Sioux Falls, SD

July 17th, 2019


Calling all Walmartians! We came out of our basement to bring you an episode chock full of glory holes and racism. But don't worry, Christine left …

33: Bars in Columbus, OH

July 10th, 2019


In this week's episode we visit bars in Columbus to perfect our espionage techniques. It turns out, Christine is not a master criminal. Flip on your …

Between You And Us: Episode 6

July 8th, 2019


We've intercepted Bob Schieffer's emails to bring you this very important episode. He'd probably give this podcast 0 bombs if he could. But we hope …

32: Sporting Goods Stores in Anchorage, AK

July 3rd, 2019


We're bringing you another episode of Beach Too Sandy! We explore the sporting goods stores of Anchorage and get diplomatic about Alaskan weather. Then, Alex reads reviews written by the hardest criminals around: …

31: Breweries in Little Rock, AR

June 26th, 2019


Grab your tweens and make them listen to our wildest episode yet! Something is absolutely in the water supply and it's not making anyone more sane. …

30: Crab Houses in Baltimore, MD

June 19th, 2019


Hi! We’re new and we don’t know a lot. What we do know is that these reviews are ridiculous as always. We read reviews written by some very crabby …

Between You And Us: Episode 5

June 17th, 2019


A Beach Too Sandy love story: We love you very much and we will never hurt you.

Come join us as we dive into our email inbox and read the best of the best citizen reviews!

If you'd like to submit a funny review, email us …

29: Movie Theaters in Providence, RI

June 12th, 2019


We're back with another episode for your listening displeasure. We read the worst reviews of movie theaters in Providence, RI, and Christine reads …

28: Tattoo Shops in Tulsa, OK

June 5th, 2019


Between all the talk of pearls and jumper cables, this episode is particularly heinous. For that reason, we're officially putting a ban on 13-19 year …

27: Ghost Tours in New Orleans, LA

May 29th, 2019


Welcome to our morning morbid show with morning joe. In today's episode, we're taking you on a very bumpy ride through New Orleans. Please refrain from peeing or exposing yourself, no matter what we say in the show. …

26: Parks in Milwaukee, WI

May 22nd, 2019


Is it possible for people to give their local parks bad reviews? Yes. And it's as crazy as you'd think! Alex then reads conspiracy theory reviews that no one needs to hear. Whether you listen to this in your home, …

25: DMVs in Phoenix, AZ

May 15th, 2019


Get your sunglasses emoji ready, because we've got some "cool" reviews for you. We're reading the worst reviews of DMVs in Phoenix, AZ. Now imagine …

Between You And Us: Episode 4

May 13th, 2019


Ghosts, choking, vampires... wait, what podcast is this again? Oh yeah, the one where we take the mask off of humanity and reveal its truest form. And in this episode, we're back to reading reviews sent in by our …

24: Post Offices in Washington, DC

May 8th, 2019


In our most educational episode yet, we broaden your vocabulary as well as your understanding of the Geneva Convention. But don't worry, there's …

23: Toy Stores in Chicago, IL

May 1st, 2019


Welcome to Geppetto's Geriatric Sex Dungeon. Grab a doll, pick a booth, and enjoy our tastiest episode yet! We learn about all the toys Chicago has …

22: Beaches in Honolulu, HI

April 24th, 2019


In this week's episode, we reveal our titular story. We also discuss condoms, feces, and panty liners. So basically... we're discussing humanity this …

21: Elementary Schools in Pittsburgh, PA

April 17th, 2019


This podcast made me laugh so bad!!! I threw up. It's time to kick off your Skechers and enjoy a new episode of Beach Too Sandy. While exploring …

20: Nostalgia in Los Angeles, CA

April 11th, 2019


Episode 20 is the extravaganza you didn't know you needed! To mark the special occasion, we surprise each other with reviews of places that are close to our hearts. Hop in Guy Fieri's convertible and take this trip down …

Between You And Us: Episode 3

April 8th, 2019


Cover your trouser! We're back with some PHAT reviews, ranging from Starbucks to Mount Rushmore. This episode = was passable. Just don't laugh too loudly or we'll call security... and remember, fishing is NOT a crime.

If …

19: Coffee Shops in Seattle, WA

April 3rd, 2019


In our quest to find the worst reviews, we may have found the worst one yet. As difficult as that was, we make it through. Next in our journey, we …

18: Comedy Clubs in Hartford, CT

March 27th, 2019


This week, Lisa Lampanelli graces us with her voice... and a plea to our beautiful listeners. This is followed by plenty of tallywagging from Alex …

17: Hospitals in Boston, MA

March 20th, 2019


In this week's episode, we take on communism, mary-juana, and the feminist agenda. It's truly an episode for the ages. But don't worry, we bleep out …

16: Hardware Stores in Nashville, TN

March 13th, 2019


If you ever want to blackmail us with fake audio pulled from various sound bites, boy do we have the episode for you! We provide you with amazing …

Between You And Us: Episode 2

March 11th, 2019


The voices of a generation reading reviews sent in by fans of a generation. That's right, we're back and we're engaging in civil dialogue. We're reading what YOU want us to read. Instead of spending your hard earned …

15: Record Stores in Indianapolis, IN

March 6th, 2019


RudeJuggalo, WeedLMFAO, alxdude9, and imalwayzcrazy444. Which ones are our old AIM accounts and which are new? You have to listen to find out! This …

14: Libraries in Los Angeles, CA

February 27th, 2019


Hooded figures, dead bodies, and squirt machines. Or, your average Beach Too Sandy episode. If you think this episode stinks, watch out for our next …

13: Comic Book Shops in New York, NY

February 20th, 2019


Hear ye hear ye! Green grocers and proprietors alike! We have an episode that will surely challenge your views and give you a bad case of the sweats. Gather yourself below one of the Brooklyn Bridges, open up to page 1 …

12: Liquor Stores in Louisville, KY

February 13th, 2019


In this week's episode, the gang announces their next venture (unfortunately it's not a liquor store in Louisville, KY). Please wish us luck on our imminent future as born again Belgians, and please enjoy this episode …

Between You And Us: Episode 1

February 11th, 2019


In the first edition of our monthly Between You And Us episodes, we read reviews of your most suggested item. This episode is an exploration of the human body and its limits. You will learn so much from this episode, …

11: Strip Clubs in Las Vegas, NV

February 6th, 2019


WARNING! Do not let your ladies listen to this show. We will steal them from you. In episode 11 we go back to our roots: Vegas strip clubs. More specifically, the Chippendales show which helped launch the idea for this …

10: Museums in Boise, ID

January 30th, 2019


Welcome to episode 10 of the podcast where a couple of poorly dressed jobsworths read awful reviews. This very special episode is full of big …

9: Waffle Houses in Atlanta, GA

January 23rd, 2019


What's the difference between Waffle House and your friendly neighborhood orgy? According to this week's reviews, possibly nothing. Whichever one you're going to, be sure to watch out for pink eye!


8: Dentists in Denver, CO

January 16th, 2019


Psst... yeah you... ever heard of... Presbyterianism? Then do we have the episode for you. We explore Denver for the worst reviews of dentists. Then we spread the good word of Ouija board reviewers. Take a break from …

7: Bridal Shops in Houston, TX

January 9th, 2019


Buckle up, folks, because things are about to get "unsettling." Tune in to hear bridal store reviews from angry brides-to-be in Houston...and their …

6: Pet Stores in Salt Lake City, UT

January 2nd, 2019


Lost the instruction manual for your new pet bird? You’ve come to the right place! This week we read pet store reviews in Salt Lake City before trailBLAZing down an uncomfortable path of sci-fi erotic fiction…kindle …

5: Hair Salons in Ann Arbor, MI

December 26th, 2018


Join us this week as we head to Ann Arbor to hear what people think of their local hair salons. Please enjoy, but watch out for the dead body out …

4: Tech Stores in Jacksonville, FL

December 19th, 2018


Wuz up! In episode 4 we explore the world of tech stores in Jacksonville, FL. 

Buy our merch!

1: Grocery Stores in Cincinnati, OH

December 12th, 2018


Welcome to the first official episode of BTSWTW, featuring 1-star reviews of grocery stores in Cincinnati, OH. 

Buy our merch!

3: Car Washes in Minneapolis, MN

December 12th, 2018


It's episode three, y'all! Tune in for of car washes in Minneapolis, MN. 

Buy our merch!

2: Hotels in Kansas City, MO

December 12th, 2018


Episode two is here! We cover 1-star reviews of hotels in Kansas City, MO. 

Buy our merch!


December 7th, 2018


Is your beach too sandy? Water too wet? Ice too cold? More importantly, do you feel like yelling about it on the internet? We’re here to …

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